it is firsts

Here is a list of some of the firsts that I have done this year.....

Sang karaoke.
Sang at an open mic night.
Ate sushi, real sushi not the fake stuff.
Rented a car.
Read a book, cover to cover on the beach.
Waxed my legs.
Bought and then subsequently wore a thong.
Grew tomatoes.
Ordered a martini at a bar.
Fell in love.
Had my heartbroken.
Made latkes.
Went on a date with a stranger.
Drank Dom Perignon
Saw a Harry Potter film in theaters.
Ate a beet and liked it.
Learned to play black jack.
Was offered a cigarette.
Ate an oyster and didn't like it.
Drank a gin and tonic.
Drank a whisky and soda, I felt just like Amelia Peabody :-)
Kissed a boy.
Fell in love with blue cheese.
Made fresh pasta.

Hope your year was full of great fun and I hope this next year is better than the last. :-)

it is looking for love, in all the wrong places

I've been listening to the radio a lot lately. Not sure why, the car I am presently driving has a CD player and I have stocked it chock full of Cold Play, Ingrid, Mumford, Imogen, Tim McGraw and the like yet for some reason I've been listening to the DJ's actually paying attention to Usher lyrics and singing along to Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros. These last few weeks I've been on a path of self-discovery. Actually this can be said of my entire year however this past month has felt different. I am struggling with selfishness, forgiveness and forgetting somethings and remembering others. One of the things I am learning about the world is how exactly it views love. During the whole mess with Adam and I, the most painfully obvious bit was that he didn't value, want or maybe appreciate is the right word, my love. As I've been listening to the songs climbing the charts I'm realizing that the world views love differently than I. They use the word to often, too quickly and not with the weight my love actually means. As Usher is pumping out DJ's got us falling in love, I'm thinking of what type of love that is. It most assuredly isn't deep passionate 'til death love. One of my favorite movies is Paris Je t'aime (don't bother with the sequel New York I Love you, it's not worth it). The film consists of several shorts each telling a story of a kind of love, in the city of love. They express love in tolerance, acceptance, trust, passion, family, loss, infatuation. There is a reason each of these words exist but as the DJ's play song after song about one night stands, summer flings, winter rendezvous and passionate affairs all the song lyricists use the same word, L-O-V-E. (Before you go off and say, this is just the age we live in, people just don't know what it is to love anymore, I remember the good old days, stop. These songs and these ideas of shallow love have existed since the beginning of time.) I know I am not alone in the world, viewing love the way I do. I know there are men and women out there who believe that love is more than a psychical attraction, more than a chemical reaction and lasts longer than a day, a month, or a year. I think that is one of the issues I am fighting with myself on right now. I don't want Adam anymore, mainly because he has made it painfully clear he doesn't want me. But how do you stop loving someone? And does that make me a fool either way? If I stop loving him what does that make my love? Fickle, fair weather? But he doesn't love or want me so doesn't that make me a bigger fool to still love him? It is coming on a new year. Last year this time I made a resolution to not live in regrets. To take risks, to take chances, to live. And I have. I have done a lot of that. It was good. It was hard. It has been worth it. Now this coming year I will resolve to learn to let go, and then most important of all how to forgive myself for doing so.

it is PASTA PASTA PASTA!!!

HAHA! Well I hope you all had a ver very merry Christmas. I sure did. It was full of family friends and food. Who can ask for more? Best present was most assuredly the pasta maker and cuisinart from my parents. Oh and the pasta was YUMMY! I cannot wait to try the million recipes I have back logged in my head involving fresh ravioli. YUMMMMY! :-) We cooked for about 4 hours and ate for about 10. We concluded the night sword-fighting on the Wii. It was so much fun and we were so tired when we finally collapsed into very happy slumbers.
Merry Merry Holidays everyone. May this next year bring more joy, more laughter, more happiness and much more peace than ever before. And of course more pasta :-)
Ciao,
Bex

it is a dreaming mind and a hurting heart

So to continue my dream saga of last week, I had a dream about Adam. I don't remember the dream contents much just that we hugged (big hugging theme last week, apparently I've been needing more hugs in my life). In the dream my skin itched with missing his touch. I heard it described really well in a film the other day - electric velvet. But my heart, my heart felt like it was trying to force itself into a puzzle piece that it didn't belong. It shoved and squished itself into his piece but it was so uncomfortable it popped back out and then I pushed him away. I felt like this dream pretty much summed up how I've been feeling lately. I am at war with myself. My physical misses him so much but my head and my heart says we don't fit. I know they are right. I know I'm on the path to healing. I know it will only get better with time. I know all these things but it doesn't mean I don't ache, that my arms don't want to hold him and my head doesn't want to rest on his shoulder.
He's been coming into my little shop quite frequently lately. I told him he could, and it was fine for a bit. But now, it just hurts. I don't know what to do about it. I feel rude when I don't talk to him. But talking to him seems to make it worse. I don't know what to do. Je ne sais pas.

it is an attempt

I've been trying to write this blog for days now. I am not sure I have it all situated in my head to say what I feel needs to be said but I am going to try.

It is almost Christmas. And so Christmas music is playing on half of the radio stations and the stores are over stuffed with plush toys, ribbons and fir trees. In fact as I am sitting here I am in my little shop, alone, I have turned off all the glaring fluorescents and left my 1100 twinkle lights shining with my Christmas play list blaring through my iPod. It is almost magical actually. I love it.

I have had a couple of interesting dreams the last few days. The first was maybe Monday, I had a dream that I hugged six people. There was no connectivity in this dream, just random snippets of scenes in where I would hug so and so and each person/hug was met with a wash of a different emotion. So I set out to hug these people, for two reasons 1) I knew all these people and all but 1 I have hugged before, so it wouldn't be so awkward and 2) because it is a dream that could come true and who doesn't want that. I have hugged 4 of the 6 and what I find interesting is that each emotion that I felt in the dream has touched me in each hug I have so far performed. I am interested to find out about the last two, their emotions in the dream were hard to decipher. The second dream I had this past week that has haunted me a bit was a that a friend of mine asked me why I loved so many things. The first thing that came out of my mouth in the dream was "because God does." This is not an answer I think I would have come up with on my own in my conscious mind so it has left me pondering why I really do love the random things I love and is it simply because God does. If I am going to use that logic I would have to love everything and since it is entirely impossible for me to love every single thing in the world (especially mosquitoes, hairy spiders, little sneaky spiders, serial killers and pedophiles) I've determined this is a faulty reason. So I am on a little path of self-discovery and dream fulfilling this week. I kindo like it. :-)

Tonight I was able to do one of my most favorite Christmas traditions, blasting Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas and dance like a mad woman while closing my little shop. What was most fun about tonight was that two girls joined me :-) Thank you AK and AM for boogie-ing down with me tonight. It was the first time I really felt in the Christmas spirit this year. I needed that overwhelming, crazy, out of control, santa clause is coming to town joy that Christmas is. You have no idea how happy my little heart was to share that moment, you made it a memory I won't forget until I am old and gray and have forgotten my own name :-)

This year has been a great year, a year of first, A LOT of firsts. Some bad, most good. Good or bad I wouldn't not have want to go through them. And tonight as I am sitting in my little shop and my twinkle lights are sparkling and the most wretched rendition of Oh Holy Night is playing over the iPod (I really must go through my Christmas music better next year) I am filled with anticipation of next year. Hopefully it will be full of new firsts and maybe a few repeats.

it is a wedding

Wedding Bells rang yesterday for a very dear friend of mine. Congratulations!!

Cheers to Jenna and Tyler! May the years together be many!

it is californos...again :-)

Check out more videos @ http://www.youtube.com/californos1988

And Check out their website @ http://www.californos.com

it is a holiday

An Ode to Holidays

Oh Holiday Oh Holiday

How We Love Thee

So Much Food

And Everyone is in a Good Mood

Oh Holiday Oh Holiday

How We Love Thee

So Much Laughter

And Lots of Gas After

We Spend Hours in the Kitchen

And There's a Lot of Spoon Lickin'

The Wine is Freely Flowing

While the Food Seems to be Growing

The Board Games, The Card Games,

The Family, The Friends

The Cleaning, The Cleaning, The Cleaning!

Oh Holiday oh Holiday

How We Love Thee!

it is a dinner party

OH what incredible fun we had last night! The food! And the WINE! It was a night of friends and fun and food and drink and laughter and more laughter. My friend Cher was in her element, I tell you what. She shows up complete with Chef coat and we were off and cooking. She is the master of the salad, I swear no one makes salads like this girl and she out did herself. And the cheesecake, smothered in pears and caramel sauce, Oh heaven take me now. I was in charge of the soup and main dish. A white bean recipe that has been a favorite of mine was used for the soup, insanely simple and stunningly delicious and filling. The main course I snagged from Proud Italian Cook, if you haven't checked her blog out you must, http://prouditaliancook.blogspot.com She has some of the best ideas out there and the recipes always turn out wonderfully. I mixed up a delicious batch of her Stuffed Acorn Squash. YUM! Savory rice and applewood chicken sausage combined with season spinach and cranberries all served up in the cute little bowl of a squash. I will definitely be making this again. Now the wine that was so expertly chosen by the palate of Mr Smith. Oh my mouth has never been so happy! Enjoy the photos from the evening. ;-) Chi mange bein, vive bein!

it is my hippity hoppity little heart

Oh my silly little heart. It jumped. I don't know why it decided to at the exact moment that it did, but it did. It was nice to be happy, genuinely happy for a couple of weeks. The stresses that filled my brain were that of a school girl. Enjoyable silly schoolgirl crushes. Oh but I've told my heart to come back, and it has, begrudgingly but it has. I know why my heart decided to jump, the boy was worth jumping for. But having known this boy for a while and knowing he wouldn't reciprocate the leap made it a very stupid idea for my heart. Hearts do not, sometimes unfortunately, talk to the brain before they go off running one direction or another. And sometimes it takes a little while for the brain to catch up to the heart and to tell it what's what. Oh but the fun the heart can have off on it's own. You see my little heart wants someone to catch it. That is really the best way I can describe. It wants someone to think it is worth taking a jump for, someone that my heart can jump for too. It want's to be caught, and it wants to catch. But right now my little heart has to realize that it needs to be quiet, it needs to take a nap. It is like when you break a bone, at some point on your road to recovery you will forget that you still hurt. You will use your broken limb without thinking only to discover how much bloody pain you are actually in. That is what my little heart did. It saw someone worth catching and it jumped. Poor silly little heart. But then it remembered how much it hurt. And now we are back inside our little glass cage watching the world warily, it won't stay in there forever, but for now it needs to sleep, to mend, to repair.

it is Californos!

Here are some videos of Californos Monday night, So much fun :-)

We are going again in a couple of weeks if anybody wishes to join. More videos @ http://www.youtube.com/user/Californos1988

it is late and I've had some wine

Today I had the chance to take a nap. I know, wonderful. As I was falling asleep I started to think about how amazing my life is. How things move and change. How I grow and evolve. Then tonight as I was driving home with sone friends one said to me well I don't know you well enough to answer said question and I thought what is there to know? I'm so boring. And I have thought this before people are often saying to me, I'm still just getting to know you. After I've known them for years. And I consider myself a very boring person with a very amazing life. Interesting huh? Maybe it's just the wine talking. ;-)


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

its been a wee bit

I've been trying to write a blog for a while now but the words just aren't flowing. But I would like you all to know that I am happy. Woke up this morning with a smile and it hasn't gone away all day. It's nice to feel a happy peace in my soul.

Ciao!

it is a date

Oh yes that's right Becca went on a date you heard it right. He's a nice guy, sweet cute funny has a great accent but if there is a date 2 I'm afraid there won't be a 3.
So let me start you all off with how we met. I went to the Jewish Arts Festival a couple of weeks ago. It's funny how you end up places it was the most random turn of events and the fact that I was free happened to see the ad the day before and was craving potato latkes found me and a couple of friends at a food and art fest at the Jewish Community Center. I was standing next to the music tent listening to some guy rip it up on piano and sing in Hebrew when this guy came up and started chatting. Just regular stuff 'hi I'm so and so, do you like the music, do you live here in KC' than came the 'does your boyfriend live here in KC' well considering I'm recently officially unattached I tell him so.
"I would love to have you," he says "but I am twice your age and so you do not want me I understand. But my nephew is a good boy and I pray to God that he meet good Jewish girl." He gave me the perfect out, I'm not Jewish! "This is OK," he answers "are you close to the judeo-Christian religion?" Well yes yes I am I'm catholic. "Oh this is good God has a way of bringing people together! He is a good boy, he has good job, he makes good money, he lives in good house. Please meet my nephew." At this point I am laughing so hard (on the inside) but decline. "Rebecca," he tells me "do you know what my name means in Hebrew? It means miracle, there is a reason we meet here today." What could I do? I mean he being a bringer of miracles and all and Lord knows my heart could use a little miraculous encounter. So I meet the guy, I say "Hello, my name is Rebecca. your uncle is trying to set us up." He gives me a once over and says "good uncle" Oh dear lord I don't know whether to be embarrassed, flattered or offended. I ended up just being flattered :-). So long story longer we exchanged numbers. I made a pact with a friend and invited him to Californos Monday night, and he came. Props to him for being brave and showing up to meet a girl who he didn't know with all her friends around her. Lots of brownie points for that. So he texts me the next day, we set a date for Saturday afternoon. OK so I didn't really feel a connection with him, at all. He's nice and cute and funny has a great accent grew up in Israel "he makes good money, he has good house, he is a good Jewish boy". And he apparently thought I was interesting enough to get to know better so what's the harm? So I didn't feel a huge connection with him at first impression, doesn't mean I won't later. First impressions can often be wrong. And just because Adam and I felt instantly connected and the spark was there from the beginning doesn't mean it happens that way all the time right? I mean there's a possibility we just have to chat it up for a bit and the spark will grow yeah? So I go out to lunch with him. He's nice, we meet at a nice little place eat some good food and attempt to chat. We don't have too terribly much in common. Not really any conversations going around. He says something then I do etc etc which is technically conversing yes but there wasn't any discussion or debate about any issues. And I know myself I keep my little walls up it takes me a bit to take them down and guys have to work at taking them down it's not easy (so sorry Adam). So we get through lunch and I'm thinking this is taking more effort from me than I desire it to, maybe of course this is a good thing I mean I have to keep him talking which means I keep having to stretch out of my comfort zone. I guess the best way I can describe it is I felt like I was talking to one of my customers, asking about their day, work etc. But instead of it lasting 5 minutes it was a couple of hours. He did say some interesting and funny things, I giggled occasionally there were moments where I thought 'oh see Bec this is better, you just work yourself up you need to let it flow' and then the flow would end. One thing he did say still makes me smile. He said the way Jewish people tend to look at men ans women is as follows; God created Adam and said this is good but I can do better so he made Eve. "Second model is always better and we are OK with that we know women are better than us." Hysterical. Other positives? He's OK with the fact that I am Italian and a crazy one at that. He says " this is OK God made the Mediterranean people that way, warm blood easy to boil" he asked what ticks me off, what will set the crazy Italian side off, cute, endearing. But then the topic came up about movies etc. and I quote "you must see Borat it is poetry." OK so we'll give him the shadow the doubt since English is his second language and say that he didn't mean poetry. But then he starts talking about Jack Ass and the spin off on TV Wild Boys or Bad Guys or whatever the heck it was called and what great fun it is. Oh dear heavens he's 'that guy'. I like manly guys, I like boys who are boys, I'm not looking for a girlfriend in male form BUT not that kind of boy. I want a guy who is into sports, and maybe a little nerdy who likes to watch war movies and plays poker and smokes cigars. Not a guy who thinks people causing themselves unnecessary pain or insulting others as 'good quality' entertainment. Sigh. Well better luck next time eh? I'm holding nothing against him, he will probably make someone an awesome husband and a good father but not me.

I am sure there will be more to come since my friends seeing my heartbreak want me to find that kind of happy I felt when I was allowed to love Adam. I am happy though now for the most part. I still feel released from the hold he had on my heart. I was driving the other day and was dancing to whatever was playing on the radio and I had a little image of myself in a glass cage inside my heart and I could see little me busting out and living life. Breaking through my barriers and embracing the fun of the world around me. I could feel the love that God has for the world and how powerful and pure it was. I am holding onto that strength, trying to anyhow. Holding onto the fact that God's love is so powerful it keeps everything in place, keeps this world operating, and functioning properly. And he loves me with that powerful love. And the fact that I have now learned how passionately I can love someone means I deserve someone who loves me that passionately. I deserve someone who can't stop thinking about me. Who wants to tell me things he doesn't want to tell others. Who wants to take care of me and make me feel safe. That is what I deserve, I know because that is how I love.

it is release

I just had the most wonderful massive beautiful moment of release. I wish you all could have shared in my joy as in a single moment God touched me and said be free. And I was. Laughing and crying and laughing and crying and customers were coming in and asking if I was ok and yes of course I was I was the happiest I had ever been! So much so my body couldn't decide what to do. My laughing and crying lasted about 10 minutes and has left me with a sense of calm, a very very joyous calm. It is lovely I don't know what else to say but I am free!




-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

20

Our whole business in this life is to restore to health the eye of the heart whereby God may be seen.
- St. Augustine.


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

Video moments from MB

This little guy was SO cute!!! His owners however were a big disappointment. They walk out to the shore take this pup off his leash and he proceeds to run jovially all over the place. I was hoping they would go for a lovely romantic walk along the water and with any luck I would get a chance to meet the little bulldog dog. But no. The female half of this duo began complaining about chill and wind and yada yada to help persuade the male half she got all lovey-dovey on him kissing and hugging and blah blah blah after a moment of this the dog's leash was reattached and they went back to the car where I am sure the kernoodling continued. Oh well what are you gonna do?

This video is of my aunt, and the worlds largest margarita. We went out to Margaritaville on our last day to eat delicious fish sandwiches. Yum.

-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

It is arriving

I figured I should write a more cheerful post following the outburst of sad last time.

Upon arriving in KC my allergies came back like a vengeance no sooner did the plane door open I could feel all those lovely spores attacking my poor little sinuses. Welcome back to Missouri (please pronounce misery in this context) I thought. I was greeted by fantastically big hugs from my mother and father (seriously you would have thought that I had been gone months not days :-)). When I got back to the house I was greeted by a dog who couldn't be close enough to me (she used to do this as a puppy she would sit on a lap and press herself into you it was like she had so much wonderful adoration for you that the only way she could express it was to attempt to morph into you). It seemed everyone missed me whilst I was away. It is nice to feel wanted bad sinuses and all. ;-)
This morning I came into my little shop the fireplace was flickering and it smelled like coffee. Really good coffee. My aunt made fun of me my last day in MB. You see there is an apparently horrifying lack of coffee in MB. I mean THER IS NONE. You have two choices, Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks. So after attempting to find a little privately owned coffee shop (fail) we walked into Starbucks (blegh, I've had to drink their weak americanos for 4 days) at 1130 in the morning! Those of you who know me know it is exceptionally hard for me to function properly before my cup (and yes I usually only have one don't think I'm a super crazy caffeine pumping maniac please) of life giving java. So here we are we walk in the door my aunt looks at me and says 'do you feel better now? You just have to smell it?' Oh and it was so true, I walked into that "daddy warbucks" establishment and I could instantly feel relief come over me. My headache started easing, my body relaxed and I took one deep very satisfying breath. Oh to be an addict.
Back to this morning.
I smelled the sweet sweet java and thought oh yes this is the best little shop in the world and it's mine, well it belongs to me and the several 100 people who come here on a daily basis but you get the idea.




-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is leaving

I'm sitting here in the very (very very very very) tiny Florence (not Italy but SC) airport. My flight leaves in 45 minutes. I'm listening to Sara Baerellis's new album (thanks Jenna) and thoughts are running through my head. I'm trying to focus on my book (Eat Pray Love) and all I can think of is not going back. I want to run. Can I face the life I left behind 5 short days ago? Am I ready to fight my unfinished battles? Am I ready to dig back into work? Do I have the strength?
While my Aunt and I were driving home from lunch this afternoon we drove along Ocean Ave and I watched the surf from the distance. I almost jumped out of the car and ran to the water to beg it to let me stay. Maybe the god of the sea would have pity on my plight and grant me my wish.
I know I won't be alone when I get home. I know I'll have my wonderful friends and family. I know I'll be OK, my life isn't really that bad anyways.
It's been a wonderful 4 days. Thank you everyone for all that you do for me on a daily basis. You are what is giving me the strength to get on this plane.

La docle vita can be wherever I am.


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

Photos from MB

It is the waves

Today is my second to last day with the waves. I will miss them.
Today I spent the last hour wet to my knees in salt water. The little Myrtle Beach waves crashing at my side as I wander along the shore.
Today I am writing an email I do not know how to write.
Today I am reading a book to help me understand the world.
Today I am sitting watching the water for the 16th hour this weekend (I achieved my goal of not doing much else ;-)).
Today I'm eating lunch with my aunt. It has been so great getting to know her. I feel so lucky to have such a great family.
Today I might fall asleep in the sun (don't worry Ma I put sunscreen on).
Today I am watching the 100th surfer ride the waves (please note I said ride not surf. Apparently it is quite the thing to do here in MB. Go out on your board and sit on it and let the waves come and go. You get a great little roller-coaster ride. Up and down up and down. If this qualifies as surfing out here sign mr up!)
Today I am enjoying my last 24 hours of vacation. Thank you to everyone who helped me get here.




-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is the sand

Yesterday I walked along the shore for hours (I'm thinking 3 or 4) and I now know why beach people have such tight feet. My toes are still sore this morning. I walked and walked and very little deep thought encroached on my solitude. When I did stop to ponder my spot in this world, seemingly small standing next to such an immense body of water, I thought about what in my life had brought me to this point then I turned around and saw not a single footprint. It was like the past didn't matter. I am here, that is all that mattered, in front of me was a clean slate of untouched sand. I was on a fresh path. No one was leading me, nor was I following anyone. It was like every step was a new beginning and every time I moved forward it washed away. Let the past be your past and let your future be your own.








-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

It is a drunk

Last night I went to my Aunt's restaurant to hang out and watch karaoke. The end of the evening was spent with the resident Friday night drunk. Big drunk ex-lawyers are hilarious let me tell you. Besides asking me and my aunt every few minutes if we would go home with him he gave me a brief rundown on who he thought I was. He asked if I had children, when I told him no he said well you will and you will be a great mother, I can tell these things. He also said that one day I would meet a boy and make him a man and we would be very happy. You'll be very happy and you'll make him very happy, I can see these things. Now for the record I believe he had 8 or nine jack & cokes but I do hope his drunk predictions come true :-)


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is the water

-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is the beach

Oh yes my first beach blog, there will hopefully be several ;-). My Aunt J graciously took me to the shore last night upon learning that I had not seen the water for 10 years, we stopped for 5
minutes before dinner. I walked down the little path to the sand. I have to admit I had a moment of fear. You know when you build something up in your head and you have all these wonderful expectations and when you finally get to that moment it falls terribly short and you are left with a sinking disappointment? But I am happy to say it lived up to all my memories. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, kept giggling and then almost cried (how embarrassing!). I am so dramatic ;-). More to come I am sure.