It is too

Whenever I get dumped, which is sadly often and most recently last night, everyone has their idea of what went wrong. Always the good friends and family say it is never my fault(which of course sometimes it is). And most simply the answer is it wasn't meant to be(which is always a horrid pill to swallow). However this last guy that traipsed through my heart will definitely leave his mark in my future. 

As I was sitting on the patio drinking wine with parents, aunt and uncle and some coworkers I was filled with lots of advice on how to deter future heartbreak. Be mysterious, don't be so soft, you're too open, too trusting etc. I'm always too something. Too intimidating, too bold, too adventurous, too open, I love and accept too easily. If you look back over the list of things I am in fact too much of I don't think any of those things are bad. I don't know why this short lived romance ended. I probably never will. On paper it looked perfect, we wanted the same thing. Shared the same beliefs. Had both been hurt so (or rather he said because he didn't follow through) we didn't want to play dating games and be wishy washy. We both wanted the same future, house farm kids horse cows etc. I felt safe around him. When I looked in his eyes I trusted them. When he held my hand my heart beat slowed. No I wasn't in love with him but he was one I could see myself loving. Why he stopped talking to me and has successfully left mylife I don't know. I don't know which "too" I was to turn him away. All I know is that my heart hurts, that my mind aches and today my pillow is wet with tears cried during my sleep. Maybe I am too soft, too trusting and too open. But the other side of that coin is to be too hard, too jaded and too hateful. And that for sure I don't ever want to be. 

I don't wish this man harm or ill will or pain in his future I wish him good things and that he finds his answer to whatever it is that he truly desires. It's just that today I am sad. And will probably be sad tomorrow. And I wish he hadn't lied or asked me to trust him so that I wouldn't feel too stupid today. 

it is parenthood

My parents celebrated their 35th anniversary last week. They have stuck through their marriage when a lot of people would have called it quits. They have evolved, grown and fought to stay together and they are stronger for it. They love deeper and have become better people because of each other. I know I have not always been the best daughter. I have said and done things that I should not have. But they have always stuck by me and always lived me, I'm eternally grateful for that. My parents have taught me many things but two things have been brought to the for front this week. 1) always have grace for others 2) if you have and another has not, share. 

At work one of our new guys made a pizza for one of the managers to take home to her family. It came out looking like a flying saucer, oblong oversized and super thin. I said it's ok it's for an employee. She then rolled her eyes and said "my dad is going to hate that" now the pizza is going to taste pretty much the same so what's the big deal. We have to suffer through paying customers complaints all day can't you have a little grace for the new guy and your free pizza? A few days ago my parents and aunt and uncle came to visit me at my other job and I was sat 5 minutes before they walked in with a party of 35. My manger who happens to be one of my best friends helped my parents more than I was able to and they were gracious through the whole meal. Since my section was full they had to be sat at someone else's table so they made sure to leave him a tip for stealing his table. Kindness and grace. Beautiful. 

Today a friend of mine has fallen in to a horrible spot and is homeless for a couple weeks. So my parents only having met this girl for 5 minutes when she helped me move are opening their home to her and her two babies for as long as she needs to get on her feet. Giving and compassion. Beautiful. 

I know my parents are not perfect and I know they will continue to not be perfect. But they have the most incredible hearts and beautiful souls. I hope I am at least half the human they are. 

Love you Mom and Dad!