it is sight

I've been going through a rough patch, well that's an understatement I've been ping through the hardest time I've ever had in my short simple existence. I'm not sure why it's been so hard actually. Pain seems to be just under the surface of my being at every moment. Partly it is due to heartache. The rest of my bleak outlook is due to regular life stress, money, work, bills etc. Somehow regular life stress is so much harder when you are suffering through loneliness. Anyways onto the point of this blog....
I'll sum up really quickly what happened over the summer. I started working at a local restaurant in May in July I started falling in love with one o the bartenders and in September he or was it really I broke my heart. The first time he kissed me he told me he had wanted to kiss me from the first moment he saw me. He told me for the first few months he kept trying to get me to look at him and I never saw him. And he was right. Of course I literally saw him but I didn't SEE him. I remember the moment I did actually see him he quoted a line from a song and I said the next line he looked up at me and I saw him. I saw straight into his eyes past the surface and into his depth. Which of course scared me because the last time I saw someone like that was of course Adam and we know how that turned out. So for the next month I talked to the bartender and really grew to like the bartender but I kept my walls up quite high. Until one night a server told me the bartender was crazy about me and then we went out for waffles at one AM. This however was not the kiss moment that came a month later on my birthday weekend which by the way was the best present I ever could have dreamed for.
Of course the end of this story is all too common it ended in my heart getting broken followed by several not so proud moments. Anyways moving on with this blog.
I would like to reference my favorite fantasy novelist Ursula LeGuinn in her series the wizard of earth sea she talks about how a persons true name is where they hold their true self and in knowing a persons true name gave you control over that person. Now let's take a line from Shakespeare "journey's end in lovers meeting" Now (as I am proving myself as human as the rest of us I am interpreting something to fit my needs) knowing a persons true self does in fact give you power over that person buy here's the catch when you get to know someone truly it is impossible to not let your own walls down and let them know you too. And when shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting" how else do you know besides seeing that person. My point to LeGuinn is this once you see someone, once you know someone, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is impossible not to SEE them even when you wish you didn't and there is still a part of them that sees you. Isn't that part of the deal when you let someone get close to you, they have the ability to hurt you more than anyone else in the world just like you can in turn hurt them. I guess that's the risk. And the point that LeGuinn makes that we should guard our hearts and only let select few into them so that our soft caring organ gets as few bumps bruises and breaks along the way.
Well for the moment this heart has lost the point of the blog and is going to tuck her tired little self into fluffy chocolate colored blankets and rest for as long as she possibly can.


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it is shakespeare

To quote Irving Berlin "The theatre, the theatre, what has happened to the theatre?" Tonight I am visiting my sister and brother in Atlanta, GA and to begin my whirl-wind trip we went to see some Shakespeare. As I was sitting there enjoying the whit of The Merchant of Venice I was struck by several things. Firstly I'm grateful my parents raised me reading Geoffrey of Mounmoth, Homer, the King James Bible and the like so that Elizabethan tongue is not so hard for me to adapt to. Secondly I remembered why I did not pursue theater. And thirdly we really haven't changed much over the centuries. The play was riddled with issues that we still see today, racism, fidelity, loneliness, business investments, high interest rate loans, religion, horrible bosses, rebellion, love, alcoholism, catty women and the like. Shakespeare being the genius that he was tapped into the classic problems that have plagued man since the beginning of time. I witnessed last night; a conversation held by Hitler stating that Christian blood is holier than Jewish blood, a court case sentencing a man for attempted murder, the unwanted attentions of suitors that the woman feigned to protest but secretly loved the adoration, the wasted attempt to tell people that love is a right that is earned not a reward that is given, and a scene from the "Real Housewives" series as the women attempted to trick their men into infidelity.
Yes, yes Shakespeare was quite the genius. And it's good to know the world doesn't really ever change, just the language does.

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it is a new year

(quick note - I do have a Christmas blog that will be posted at a later date)
Well Happy New Year everyone!!! I spent the evening carting my very drunk boss around KC. Needless to say it was an interesting evening but all has turned out well and she is now safely tucked in her own bed. This morning I stopped at one of the millions of local Panera's to grab a quick lunch before I head off to work at the gym. I am in the "upper" class region of the suburbs and am surrounded by a bunch of stuffed shirts. There is a table of 4 socialite want-to-be retired people. They seem to be getting their kicks out of talking about when it is proper to use salted butter versus non-salted butter. Talking about all the things that "common" people do that they are incapable of doing because it is either unsanitary or improper. One such "commoner" activity is public transport. This woman couldn't go 1 block before her husband, dashing to her rescue, figures out a way to remove the window pane to allow fresh air to aid his poor wife. He seemed quite proud of himself for destroying public property. They also are getting quite a rise out of talking about people who are dumber than they. My favorite comment however has to be "Oh she is dumb, but I quite enjoy her company" Which was followed by a chorus of "me too".
Oh well it might be a new year but it's good to know that the world hasn't changed. It is still full of arrogant imbeciles who think they know all the answers to life's questions.

Happy New Year! May it be better than the last and may you stick to all your resolutions! Mine this year is to stop procrastinating. As a friend of mine pointed out..."So you waited until new years to begin?" yes yes I know I am an arrogant imbecile as well, at least I'm not alone in the world. :-)


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it is three shots of whisky

Tonight I am watching an incredibly enjoyable film "Midnight in Paris" and I had a few shots of whisky. I then saw my new shoes. Which prompted me to put on a party dress. And I had a little midnight walk in Paris myself.



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it is a puppy!

Meet Daisy! She is the newest friend in the house. She was neglected or abused but she's coming around. Today is the first day she played with the toy on her own. And she even hung out with all the people at the party the other day. She loves the dog park and loves her new friends Nakima and Rajah. And she is quite the cuddle bug. :-)






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it is a magical shop

There is a saying that all good things must come to an end. And this story is no exception.
Once upon a time in a land very much like this in a time not too long ago there was a little shop. And this shop was magical. In this shop was a girl. A girl who was afraid of the world because she knew very little of it. This girl ran the shop. She did not know that the shop contained magic. She had no idea how powerful a thing was bestowed on her. So she went to the shop every day and served the customers. She made them smile. She met many kind people in the shop. Many people who had good hearts and shared lots of love, but she was still afraid of the world. One day a boy walked in. When the little shop girl saw the boy her heart stopped and she almost fell over. She had never met someone who had done that to her before, she didn’t know what to do, she was afraid. The boy started coming into the shop quite regularly. He would try to talk to the little shop girl but she was so shy she could barely speak. So he stopped coming. The girl hated herself for not taking a chance but she was still too afraid of the world to change anything about it. Over the years the girl became braver and braver. New friends taught her about life and about the world. As she became brave in the little shop she was able to become brave outside the shop and venture out into the world. Then one day she did the bravest thing imaginable, she invited the boy to come back to the shop. And he came. The girl fell in love with the boy. A whole new world opened up to her. She danced, she sang, she was happy and free and brave. Her bravery and happiness brought more people into the shop. And more and more people found bravery, and love, and happiness in the little shop. So many people loved the magical shop that the shop oozed out love onto all those who entered. People found answers, comfort, joy, friendship. So much good came from a very little shop it seemed impossible. But then one day the boy broke the girl’s heart. And all that was good about the magical little shop seemed dark and lonely. The girl tried, she tried so hard to be brave. She tried so hard to be happy but silence brought tears, music brought tears, night brought tears and so did the mornings. The girl’s friends rallied around her to help her with the little shop. The shop had worked magic on them as well and they didn’t want to lose it. Nor did they want to lose her. Sadly in the end the darkness overwhelmed her and she had to leave the shop, and the magic left with her. But the girl who was once afraid of the world was afraid no more. She may have had her heart broken but she had found love, she may have had to leave the shop but she had the courage to do so, and she may have to face many more scary and dark things ahead but the magic had worked and she knew she could get through. You see, good things do come to an end. And it is sad when they do. However it does not mean more good things won’t follow. And when those good things end, more good will follow.
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I was driving home last night and Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You came on the radio, I promptly broke out in tears. For the past 5 years I spent Christmas in my little shop. And every year I put that song on our Christmas playlist. And at night when the shop was empty (or almost so) I would turn the song up as loud as I could and dance like a mad woman until I ended in giggles on the sofa. I remember one night in particular I did this with a few customers. One of whom had never danced like a madwoman before in her life but had always wanted to. You see there is something quite freeing about dancing like no one is watching. After the song was over she was glowing and giggling and thanked me over and over for making her let loose and be crazy for that moment in time. Truth is there were 1,000’s of those moments that took place in the store. 100’s of them were for me myself. There are countless memories I have of mini breakthroughs, cherished moments, laughing on the floor funny moments, friendships and so much more. While the shop was open and running yes I knew it was special. But I was so bogged down with the daily muck I often didn’t get to see it that way. After my heart was broken I saw the shop solely as a burden. I couldn’t see the magic happening around me no matter how hard I looked. I hated the fact that I was so affected by one man. But a year plus after everything happened I can look back and see just how wonderful even the heartache was. Because without the shop I wouldn’t have stretched myself the way I did, I wouldn’t have met Adam, I wouldn’t have fallen in love, I wouldn’t have had my heart broken, and I wouldn’t know I could survive that sort of impossible pain. I still would have been afraid of men, of people, of friendships, of the world. I wouldn’t have built this confidence I have in myself, I wouldn’t have pushed myself to those extremes. There is not a single bit of me that ever wants to do it again but there is also not a single bit of me that regrets any of it.

it is a dream(nightmare?)

Continuing my non-sleep pattern I had a terrible time falling asleep last night. When I finally did I slept for a whopping 2 hours. During those 2 hours I had a wretched dream. And here on this lovely medium of the internet I will share said dream and I would like to open it for interpretation.

In this dream I returned home. To our little house on Hillside Rd on top of the little mountain in North NJ. I returned with a man I was apparently dating, a tall light haired, green eyed man. I planned to show him everything; the house, the Tepee made out of fallen trees, the big white house with the dog that scared our dog, my neighbor's little house that my sisters and I spent so many afternoons, the tree house, the swamp, the pet cemetery, the top of the trail where you could see the city's skyline, everything. When we got there though everything had changed. My neighborhood of 10 houses had turned into a neighborhood of 100. Cement everywhere. The blueberry trail had turned into a park full of cement and graffiti. The tree tepee had fallen over, the tree house torn down. The old barn that my sister and I used to play at was abandoned, all the horses gone, fences fallen. So as I was walking him around my old home I was explaining to him all that used to be. The whole time I was though I kept thinking 'this is not the guy I thought I would be showing this to', 'this isn't the guy I'm supposed to be sharing this with', 'I wanted to share my whole life, past and all with someone else'. As we went on walking and hiking I could feel my heart sinking deeper and deeper. Then as we were hiking towards to old mining area he grabbed me and kissed me and promptly proposed. And I promptly said yes. I instantly woke in turmoil. The fact that my old home town changed really was nothing more than my subconscious telling me that we really can never go back, you never step in the same river twice etc, etc. It was the man that bothered me.

it is lost love

I was listening to Katie Perry's "the one who got away" on the radio the other day. So sad actually. It reminded me of a sermon I heard. The priest said that the most common regret he was told when people were on death's door was that they didn't love enough. Colbie Callait's song "before I let you go" is another song about lost love. Adele's "someone like you" and "rolling in the deep" for that matter most of her album 21 is about lost love. I was watching "crazy stupid love" and they kept saying; if you've found the one then you have to fight for it. My question is; HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHO IS THE ONE? Which is now reminding me of the movie "Timer" yes it would be nice if technology would tell us who our soul mate is. Of course when did technology ever do anything perfectly?

it is a broken heart

I think I might already have a blog post entitled this, but who said history doesn't repeat itself? So here I go again.

Things I've learned:

I don't eat.

I definitely can't sleep and when I do its full of nightmares.

I cry....a lot.

So I'm learning my heartbreak pattern. Whoop-dee-do.

I will say one thing I am happy that I learned, after the last heart-wrenching heartache I apparently am stupid enough to attempt to put myself through another heart-destroying heartache.

I have decided to pick up a little faster than the last time. I'm refusing to let myself wallow for as long as I did with Adam. Figure I should just let Frank go and jump right back in. Chances are if I do I might meet a great person. ... Right? Well at least people anyways. So I'm jumping into online dating and going out with any available, nice enough, cute enough, non serial killing men as I can stand hopefully knocking me out of my not sleeping, not eating stupor. In all reality I know this is possibly not the best thing for me to do. But I let Adam rule my emotions and many of my actions for months afterward. And I will not be that weak again to let Frank do the same. So I'm trying this out, I'll keep you posted.