it is a broken heart

I think I might already have a blog post entitled this, but who said history doesn't repeat itself? So here I go again.

Things I've learned:

I don't eat.

I definitely can't sleep and when I do its full of nightmares.

I cry....a lot.

So I'm learning my heartbreak pattern. Whoop-dee-do.

I will say one thing I am happy that I learned, after the last heart-wrenching heartache I apparently am stupid enough to attempt to put myself through another heart-destroying heartache.

I have decided to pick up a little faster than the last time. I'm refusing to let myself wallow for as long as I did with Adam. Figure I should just let Frank go and jump right back in. Chances are if I do I might meet a great person. ... Right? Well at least people anyways. So I'm jumping into online dating and going out with any available, nice enough, cute enough, non serial killing men as I can stand hopefully knocking me out of my not sleeping, not eating stupor. In all reality I know this is possibly not the best thing for me to do. But I let Adam rule my emotions and many of my actions for months afterward. And I will not be that weak again to let Frank do the same. So I'm trying this out, I'll keep you posted.

it is an adventure

When you branch outside of your comfort zone on an adventure to experience yourself you are bound to get a few bumps and bruises along the way. Me, being who I am these minor injuries are normally inflicted on my heart. Please be sure to note I said MINOR.
The last few weeks people have been challenging my belief in love. Part of me is starting to believe them. Maybe I am living in a fairy tale? I am just really having a hard time letting go of the idea that someone will love me. My argument to this when talking to a bartender friend of mine was if I could feel that love for someone wouldn't it make sense that someone would eventually be capable of feeling that love for me. My hope is fading though. Not just through my own personal small experiences but through watching others.
My latest bruises have been distributed by three men, Adam, my latest crush, and some random guy I had a beer with. The crush and I just are in the wrong time. Which is sad because we both feel like we could have some sort of meat and potatoes connection. So it stung a little when the realization of nothing would happen (at least for now). Adam came back into my world for a lunch. Old feelings, old hurts all there front and center. As I guzzled my beer I felt like there was a flashing neon sign above my head "I used to love this man! And here I am sitting here. Can you tell I'm scared out of my mind?" All in all the lunch went well. I only cried a little bit. It was good to see someone who knows me better than most other people in the world. Sometimes I feel like he understands me better than my family, better than my best friend he just knows me he can read between every line every bit of coyness. No matter how scary that can be it was also refreshing when you are not able to hide anything then you don't have to try hide anything. But that is where the sting comes in, someone that knows me so well, someone that I loved so deeply didn't love me. It honestly makes me feel unlovable.
The third guy told me that love was not our ultimate answer to life and somehow that set me off on an emotional breakdown. Of course love is the answer right? Shouldn't we always choose love?
Anyways I feel like it's time to change something. What I'm not quite sure but time it definitely is.


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It is dying alone

Late night TV for a single girl mainly consists of Sex and the City. This particular episode playing this evening (morning) Miranda buys an apartment and the fear of dying alone strikes home. The particular plot combined with a couple drinks of Sambuca has me thinking seriously about my life as a single woman. I remember one night I was quite ill and my roommate at the time, KM (now KZ :-)) took the time to worry about me and make sure I made it home ok. Waking in the morning and knowing that someone had been there to care about me and if I hadn't gotten home someone would've known. I remember one night I was talking to Adam on the phone outside my house I was pacing the street and told him jokingly to call the cops if someone stole me. He told me he'd be at my house faster than the cops to catch anyone who dared touch me. Again the knowledge that someone knew where I was and what I was doing and who would care for me, protect me brought comfort to my heart. I know my mother is reading this and thinking like any good mama bear would "tell me what you ate doing and where you are and if anyone dares harm you or if you have anything wrong your father and I will be there to help protect and serve". Truth is I am lucky enough to have parents who do think and operate like that.
Even though it is wonderful to have parents like mine typically parents die before their children or if we didn't live close by to each other.
~~~~~~ fell asleep~~~~~~~
I'm still unsure whether or not I will ever meet anyone who can put up with me long enough to decide they can put up with me forever. (I'm beginning to think that my ideas of love are a consistent deterrent to others and I can't decide if I'm the one who is wrong or if they are.) All that aside I don't want to die alone. Why? There is a song "you are nobody til somebody loves you" this I believe goes back to the human desire to be known. We long to be remembered maybe it has to do with our mortality and how we are always striving to be immortal. If someone loves you forever you become immortal to them etc etc. But I have people who will love me forever and I will love them forever. So why don't I want to be old and alone? Is it possibly just loneliness? You could say that however again unless all my friends and family die before I do (god forbid) I won't be lonely. Third possibility; economic sense. At the rate I am living my life now and at the rate of inflation as a single woman I will never be able to retire. Ok yes this would make life more convenient, two incomes and hopefully he will be better with finances than me. That's not a reason for me to search or long for someone. I could make life choices and changes and work hard and retire I'm sure. So what is my deal? Why do I want someone? I should state at this point that this issue was not an issue a few years ago. I honestly didn't care or maybe I just figured it would inevitably happen so why worry about it. Now? I don't know why maybe it's the fact I'm pushing 30 and realize it's time to be an adult. I don't know. There is still not anything in me who craves a family of my own. I already have a house and I get my female nesting desire out of the way. Hanging out in the day care at work fills my baby need well really over-fills my baby time desire. I really don't want kids of my own, however I should say that when I was madly in love with Adam I wanted kids because he wanted kids so I wanted to give him everything he wanted because I loved him. Honestly I think I'd. Be happy wither way kids or no kids. I lost my train of thought....oh right. But there is a desire in me to share life with someone. I was reading E Gilbert's book committed and she asked all her unmarried friends by they wanted to be married. One of there friends stated she had a strong desire to be chosen. Yes the is definitely that. And I feel like I have a lot of love to give and I long to give that love to someone who in turn can give me love.

Maybe that is it! Maybe I want to complete my love circle. Since my life has turned into a pursuit of love and happiness the ultimate statement of that love would be to love someone who loves me, unforgettably, uninhibitedly, unendingly.

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