it is the old revisited

Today while I was mowing the lawn my mind wandered, which it often does while performing just about any task, but as I was mowing under the apple tree I remembered a conversation Adam and I had. He had decided, in a moment, that he wanted to help me with my yard work and so as I was dressed for an afternoon party in my skirt and heels I followed him along picking up the branches he trimmed. When we got to the apple tree he asked which branches I wanted off. I told him none, even the low hanging ones had to stay. You see when you stand underneath the tree it creates a canopy of green and red and in my mind is one of the most enchanting places on earth. He said to me "You know you should put a bench under here, it is very intimate." We discussed where the best spot for said bench would be. He said "I kinda like it right here its quiet and secluded you feel all alone here. What do you think?" I responded with something to the effect "it will be you sitting on the bench with me so if you like it I like it." He used to get this look, you know the look when you are thinking about something happy that hasn't happened yet, you're imagining something good, pleasant etc. Anyways then he just said "Huh" If you don't know Adam you wouldn't understand the huh, but he packed a lot of info into a huh. Anyways I was then thinking about Adam and how we never would get to sit on that bench, which of course made me sad. To remind myself of why he and I shouldn't have ever worked out I thought about all the things that he did that pissed me off, namely not reading this blog. In his defense he read it once, he read the post about Freddy, he said it hit too close to home and didn't want to read anymore. In truth that particular post had nothing to do with Adam. It was actually something I had been thinking about for some time and had just found the words to express my thought and so I wrote it out. (If you want to read that post click here) Anyways I found myself thinking about said post and about Freddy. You see in the movie My Fair Lady he ends up alone, but in the play he ends up with Eliza. It seems that even the writers couldn't decide whether it is better to love or to be loved.

Now I was thinking about this dilemma, to be loved or to love and comparing it to myself. I'm still admittedly in love with Adam, I know we probably shouldn't be together, that we just keep hurting each other and that neither one of us are apparently willing or able to be what the other needs or wants, I get that. But I am still in love with him. Then we have Jimmy, sweet guy from CA. He texted me today asked if we could be friends even if we couldn't be together. Said a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't wondered how I've been. He is crazy about me, he doesn't really know me at all, but he's crazy about me. If this was My Fair Lady we have all the characters. Henry would of course be Adam, I would be Eliza and of course Jimmy would be Freddy. Could I be Eliza of the film and be with Henry who doesn't love me but wants me in his life? No. I can't really. I would be miserable. Nor could I be Eliza of the play and go and be with Freddy, it's not fair to him... and I would end up miserable.

I guess I should be glad life isn't the movies, or a play :-)

it is a SPIDER

So, here I am almost midnight and I can't sleep. I was actually getting tired and then I saw a spider. I didn't have anything to kill it with and it was on the bed so I jumped off to get a shoe and when I got back - gone. I undressed and redressed the bed and no luck. 30 minutes later same deal, shoulda kept the shoe closer. Which I am now but now I can't sleep. I have a bit of arachnophobia especially while I am sleeping, when I was a child my recurring nightmare was that a GIANT spider would straddle my bed and pee on me. I know, I know you are all stifling giggles, but its true and well then when I was maybe around 9 or 10 a little girl friend of mine told me a story about how her friend's friend fell asleep on the beach and a spider left eggs in her eyeball. GROSS!! And I know as an adult that it might not have been true, emphasis on the MIGHT. Anyways I really won't be able to sleep until it is dead. Sigh, guess it's Netflix and Ally McBeal for me tonight.

it is a learning process

So, needless to say this week has been well interesting. Thanks to Adam's phone call a lot of the emotions, that I had very gratefully moved passed, resurfaced. I remembered everything I missed, the funny, caring, smart, interested in vampires, addicted to football, kind, handsome Adam that I fell in love with. Of course I remembered the pansy, afraid to make a decision, have your cake and eat it too Adam that broke my heart. As I've been thinking this week, turning over things in my head over and over, what did I do wrong, what didn't I have that wasn't worth a risk, could I have held out longer, yaddayaddayadda. I have poured over these questions over and over again. And I have not come up with an answer that is flashing at me "BEX THIS IS WHAT YOU DID WRONG!" I'm not saying I was the best half-girlfriend ever but I was a pretty darn good one. One of the things that made me laugh a bit from that phone call yesterday was that Adam was upset that I had begun to date other people, purely ironic since he is still dating that same girl. Double standard yeah? Anyways during my thinking and self interrogation the guys I have talked to/gone out with over the past few months actually helped my crazy emotional Sicilian self think a little differently. And so, much to your joy I am certain, I'm going to talk a little bit about the recent men in life.

First, hopefully you all remember the cute Camaro driving Jewish boy last fall? You know the one who loves Borat? What did this guy teach me? That I am not the girl that will fall in love with a guy just because he pays attention to her. This is actually a terrible fear of mine, you see those girls who fall in and out of love so quickly and eventually marry a guy for no reason than the fact that he made her feel beautiful. I never want to be that girl.

Next lets talk about Lance from Alaska. He taught me that not only could I be viewed as desirable but that a man (a man attracted to me no less)could actually be strong and honest (if you haven't figured it out he was the other guy in the blog about men). I still miss Lance a bit, he is a really good guy, I really hope he's happy.

And the latest Jimmy in California (I know you are all asking yourselves why I can't seem to find someone somewhat closer but I promise I am trying just a little short on luck I guess). Jimmy is quite the sweetheart but he taught me that I could do the right thing even if not doing anything is easier, you see Jimmy was falling for me and well I wasn't falling for him, nice and kind as he was not a single bit of me desired him. So a few days ago I told him so. When I told him I hoped he found someone closer to him and better than me he said "but you were just right". Sweetheart, I know.

So I'm still on a search for my "great", but I'm learning with some help along the way.

it is a funny thing that happened on the way to the forum

So I came back from the retreat (if one can call a 24 hours stint a retreat :-)) and I felt great, really did. Accepting that a failed relationship does not make me a failure was one of the greatest things I have ever grasped. So as curious fate would have who called me two days after this moment of closure, this moment of acceptance, this precipice of moving on? Adam. Figures right? In all honesty I almost had a heart attack, I started to cry, then hyperventilate, my heart rate jumped to 180, as I was sitting on my sofa watch "Tangled" I realized two things A) I apparently still have very strong emotions connected to this man and B)I needed to calm down and not die of a stroke at the age of 27 over a boy no less. After deliberation and a few margaritas I called him back the next afternoon. A good friend of mine was there with me, mainly to keep my heart rate down to a more normal pace after the conversation. Adam was wanting to reconnect with me somehow. He thought everything was fine (it can be obviously stated that he refused to read my blog while we were "together" and so he most assuredly doesn't read it now). He didn't understand why I don't want him in my life. He told me I was his best friend and he still cared about me, but here's the kicker - he's still dating that same someone. When I told him that he made me feel cheap and my emotions were worthless he scoffed and said it was over dramatic of me to feel that way. I don't think he ever did, or ever will understand the depth of my emotion. Talking to my friend after this conversation I explained I believed I don't think he believes that kind of love exists. (I have a feeling if you dig through my blogs you will find something regarding this issue it feels vaguely familiar to me.) I would like to state something here. My heart breaks for all those in the world who do not believe true, deep, hard love doesn't exist. I know we humans are excellent at hurting each other. I know I have hurt people, in fact I know I have hurt Adam. I know other people have hurt me. All you have to do is turn on a current TV show and see how people hurt other people. Again it breaks my heart. I wish I could cover the world in deep true passionate enduring love, but God himself attempted the same thing and well, we all know how that went right? Let us say for sake itself that Jesus never existed, that it was just a story made up by a sect of Jews who were ready for the world to be different, even if that is the case and you want to be agnostic, atheist or whathaveyou, you still have to admit that the basis of that tale was that love is the most important thing in the world, and I would like to add, love is the absolute hardest thing to accomplish. I loved Adam, and I am not ashamed to say that part of me still does, but because we live in imperfection love is often not enough. My Dad told me one day while I was crying for possibly the 100th hour after I stopped pretending Adam and I were something we were not that I would find happiness again and that some day when I was married and had children I would look back at this love as a sad moment in my life but life is full of sad moments we just have to move past. And so I am, slowly eternally slowly but I am.

it is a spiritual something or other

I'm sitting here at the most adorable little retreat center. It is quiet and tucked away into the trees. I've been here for 24 hours. Most of those hours were spent with me being bored out of my mind writing aimless thoughts in a journal and wondering why I am here and how long do I have to stay until I feel like a more balanced spiritual person. I turned my phone on in exasperation to text my best and dearest friend and to ask her if I came home now would that make me a failure. I realized that the only reason I was staying here past last night was to somehow prove to myself,or God maybe, that I could sit enraptured in this silence and marvel at His glories and hopefully in that remarkable task be given enlightenment as to why I feel that my life is well life. So then I thought to myself how does going home early equal failure? And why do I care? Will God think less of me for going home? Will the little retired priest think it was a failure? Will he care? Why do I care if he cares? And that is when enlightenment hit. I am in fear of becoming a failure and I often consider myself a failure and so I find myself living life the way I feel a failure should. I allow things in my life to spiral out thinking see you are a failure at budgeting that's why you paid that bill late etc etc. But I would like you all to know that even though I failed miserably at my first attempt at love, and that I had a nervous breakdown, and that I allowed the failing at love ruin my happiness for far too long, and the fact that I pay my bills late, and that I forget a lot of things, and that I write really stupid blogs ( I would like to take this moment to thank all of you for allowing me to say stupid things and not judging me <3), and that I change my mind about issues, and that I've never chosen a brilliant career path I AM NOT A FAILURE! :-)


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Location:County Road 311,,United States

it is a snail

Very funny things can happen when you least expect them :-). For instance the addition of my snail, Ganga, into my little tank. People laughed at me when I told them I got a snail. When I asked advice on naming said snail they proceeded to joke with silly names, Speedy, Zippy etc. OK OK I know it's a snail. However this snail was created by the same creator who made us. So... a couple of friends and I (Thank you Janelle and Tyler) googled good Indian names for my Golden India Snail. Ganga is the Hindu goddess attributed to the healing waters of the river Ganges. I know I have already told you all this before but in case you hadn't read the previous post I wanted you to be up to date. NOW to the point of this post :-).

Ganga is an INCREDIBLE snail! I mean totally remarkable. She goes everywhere! Firstly she is the prettiest snail I have honestly ever seen. Secondly she is a very active snail. She went into the geode and got stuck - I had to fish her out with a pair of chopsticks. She slinks along through the mini flower garden. She has climbed up the side of the geode, made it from the front of the tank to the back. Every time I look in the tank she is off in some other corner cleaning up the mess that Hrothgar and Beowulf have created. This is my point....sometimes joy and amusement come in very interesting packages. In all honesty I half agreed with my friends who laughed at my snail. When I dropped her in the tank I thought to myself - so if she never moves will I know if she is alive? How wrong I was! Maybe this is just proving to you all how simplistic I actually am. But I am finding fascination in this little life form, maybe the point I am attempting to say is give things a chance before you write them off. ;-) Anyways here are some photos to amuse you, really the amusement is most likely to come from the fact that A) I took them and B)texted them to some friends and finally C) posted them on here :-)

it is a Sunday

Today was a PERFECT Sunday. I slept til 1030 went to the local coffee shop (yes mine) and watched the latest episode of Fairly Legal (thanks for getting me hooked on that one Kel :-)). This coffee break was followed up by a trip to the pet store where I bought a new pal- a Golden India snail so after some deliberation and googling we decided to name her (we just guessed I sure hope she is a girl otherwise she might have and identity crisis and that would not be good...) Ganga after the healing goddess of the Ganges river in India.



I'm hoping Ganga brings a little balance to the tank because the man at the pet store said the only other real option to make Beowulf happy would be to get him a little bigger and then get him a pond. Which I sadly do not have at the moment....
After the trip to the pet store I went to Lowe's to get some plants to start my second annual garden ;-) I planted a million red onions, a handful of tomato plants a couple of basil plants and some pansies. I figure that's a pretty good start...









All day the sun beat down on my tank top clad back and happily pinked my skin. I washed my sheets and watched them billow in the wind.



The dog and cat enjoyed the lazy afternoon outside. All in all what a wonderful day it was.






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