it is an unconventional existence

My life has never been conventional. My childhood was far from what people consider normal. My religious background has also been unique. My teen years and high school were spent with superstar actors and get down and dirty horse people. College was a joke. I wasn't ready. So I opened a store, who honestly does that at 22? Especially a shy afraid of the world home-schooled horse girl? Of course I left the store as unconventionally as I started it. And now I'm a bartender. Yes my life does not follow any sort of typical path. There is no consistent ladder climbing in any sort of social or economical way. And so get ready for me to do something else unconventional different or weird. It's gonna happen. Just you wait and see.


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it is late and I've had a hot buttered rum

(Please be forewarned as the title suggests I am under the influence of a most delicious spiced wintery beverage (which this is the first time I have ever drunk such a drink and it must go on my list of firsts for the year, don't let me forget) hence this blog will most assuredly ramble)


I've been thinking for days on how to write my return blog. I feel like it has been a year since I have poured my messy mind out onto cyberspace and the coming back seems a bit awkward and unfamiliar. The first thing I thought of while compiling this tome was the very interesting if not ironic way I share this blog. The majority of you lovely readers are my family and close friends. However I rarely tell people about it. In fact when I told my love, the bartender, about it somewhere in the middle of our short lived romance I actually thought he would stop wanting to see me. Which of course he laughed at but to my knowledge never once did he read this mess of my mind. None of my new co-workers know where to find this blog. In fact very few know it exists. And I especially never tell any of the men I have dated of late, even the ones that stuck around for a longer that usual time(which for me is like over three weeks lol). I seem to be totally willing to post crazy emotions for the world to have access to but heaven forbid people I know would dare read this. (Besides of course the afore mentioned friends and family :-)).

The other day I received an email from a customer/friend of mine. I cried (thanks Bry S. :-)). I haven't figured out how to reply (hence the delay but it will come). So much of what is eating at my soul now has to do with the incredible level of failure that I feel regarding the entire deterioration of that year. As I have said in a previous blog I am grateful for the learning experience but it still is painful on different levels. The email reminded me that it might not have all been a failure which of course is why I cried because the failing I can deal with the letting people down (which I know you didn't say, no one has, but it's how I feel) that I can't come to grips with.

Another issueI've been wrestling in my head is Christmas. Firstly I miss my store most at Christmas. I miss the delicious warm special drinks and the people and the little tree and the lights and the music. I miss shoveling snow off the patio at 5am. I miss closing and turning off all the lights except the twinkle lights and listening to carols when the shop was empty and sparkling. But the other thing about Christmas is, is it is the most lonely time of the year. I was driving home tonight and one of my favorite Christmas songs, All I Want For Christmas Is You, came on the radio. I love that song. I know I have mentioned it in at least one blog if not more. But here's a secret...Adam. (And I know all of you let out a collective, please can we talk about someone else?) It's just that song for years has been me wishing and hoping that he would be mine, that's all. Yes obviously I was listening to that song long before he came around, but once he did, he was all I wanted. Christmas time can be very lonely for a lot of people. No family, no friends, no special someone. Yes on the grand scheme of it I'm OK being alone. But gosh at Christmas don't you just want to snuggle up with someone? Watch old Christmas movies? Drink hot chocolate on the first snow? Get drunk on eggnog while you are putting up the Christmas tree? I dated a guy for a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving last year. He turned out to be quite the arrogant SOB (he told me I had too much neck hair. Didn't realize I had a beard...anyone else? lol. He did later apologize but I declined his offer to get back together) so that ended but he had the same plight. Towards the beginning of the relationship he hoped that we would stay together through Christmas so he could have someone to share those things with. Maybe it's the cinema hype that makes us want to be a couple not a single around the holidays. Maybe it's the start of a new year that makes that desire strong. But whatever it is I sure am lonely and I want someone to want me this Christmas. Realizing of course it's three days til the big red man drops off his gifts and that is not going to happen but it would be nice if someone I wanted, wanted me.
Which brings me to my last topic of the rambling night....Casablanca. Sometimes I sure do feel like Humphrey Bogart.

I love you all! And if you made it all the way to the end of this rabbit trail you are an amazing person! :-) I hope Christmas brings each and every one of you what your heart truly desires and I hope you know what it is so that you can realize the gift you have been given.

I of course would like a Hippopotamus for Christmas! :-)



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5K #2!

Gobbler Grind KC
38.56 finishing time.











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it is the path

There is a girl I know. Who is beautiful and kind and sweet. She gave her heart away and found it tossed aside. This sweet sweet girl picked up her soiled heart and cleaned it with her tears.

I am sure everyone has either been that girl or has known that girl. Or boy for that matter. Just give them a hug every once and a while. My friend moved far away so I don't get to hug her as often as I'd like while she is hurting. So I'd just like to say this; I love you. You're strong and you will find a more glorious you at the end. <3



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it is fish

Here is a tour of my fish tank....

Hercules



Tao



Icarus


Midas


Hrothgar


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TI

Today's intention: la dolce vita. Remember you deserve good and sweet things in life. Examples; love, kindness, respect, truth, peace, quiet, joy, and of course chocolate and wine ;-)




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it is choices

We all make choices in life. To eat a salad or fried chicken. To buy the blue shirt or the yellow. To drive or to take the bus. To work or not to work. To go to a bar or stay home.
Many of our choices are made for us due to circumstance. I may chose to eat the salad because I have a heart condition not allowing me to eat fried chicken. I look horrible in blue so I'll buy the yellow. I will drive because there is no bus route to my destination. I'll stay home because I am an alcoholic.

But what about the choices to live, to enjoy, to love? Those choices are a conscious effort. The answers we have to those choices define our character and our future.

Choose wisely. I pray I will.




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MoKan Walks #2

Kill Creek Park, De Soto,KS. I only barely got into this park and it was b-e-a-utiful! I can't wait to go back. It has paved trails and dirt trails for horses hikers and bicyclers. Fun!
























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MoKan Walks #1

My family members are big Colorado fans. And I gotta give it to 'em it definitely has amazing hikes and probably a lot more than we do out here. But I'm putting on my optimistic hat and seeking out great trails around this KC area. Trail 1 Tall Grass Prairie National Preserve just north of Strong City, KS(about a two hour drive from KC). Beautiful! Had a picnic while watching bison graze. It has a fun farmstead and cool old barn with a very friendly barn kitty. Great views and worth the drive. If you want to see the whole park you can take a tour bus.
































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it is the past's perception of the future

Sometimes I feel like who my past self thought I should be runs into the present me. If I think about who and where I thought I would be at this point in my life when I was say 21 I am no where near it. But does it mean I am a failure or not on track or not living at good life? NO IT DOSEN'T!!!! That's all I've got to say.


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24

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it is tough

Just because life is hard does not mean life is not good.
Today as I went off on my run I was in quite a foul mood. So many dragons battling it out in my mind. Too much. Family and personal struggles with money, work, careers, school, goals, dreams, love. And so my run was less than stellar to say the least. I would run for 30seconds and thoughts of why couldn't he love me, why do I have to have a career, why is life so bloody expensive, why am I fat (probs because I am not running lol), why isn't life what I think it should be?!?! I got back to my car and decided I should meditate. I recently flipped through a book by some monk (cannot think of his name right now) he said to begin meditating focusing on nothing but your breath (I am breathing in, I am breathing out is your entire mantra) once that is successful and you are quite from the worlds noise you can breath in good things and breath out specific hurts. And so I did. I exhaled, worthlessness, anger, pain, insecurities. I even exhaled my fat lol. I pushed all the reasons that I hold onto things right out of my cells. I pushed out my fear of being unlovable and I pushed out my emptiness. I blew out toxins and money. These things do not deserve to be part of my cell composition. I inhaled so much love I ended up laughing with tears streaming down my face as I became overwhelmed with good good things. The sun beating down on my face the wind brushing my cheek poured love, joy, hope and beauty into me. When I came out of the meditation I realized just because life is hard, and it always will be does not mean life isn't good. I focus so much time and effort onto the hardship I forget to look at sweetness. Yes work is long, but you can pay your bills, yes the bills are plentiful, but you have a job. Yes you are single, but you have family, yes your family can drive you crazy, but you have friends. Yes your heart was hurt, but your heart can now learn to be whole. I know I have a very long way to go before I see life the way I would like to. But I feel like it can happen. I want to smile with my liver.
Today's intention: to see beauty.




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it is strength

My mom would be very happy to know I pulled out eat pray love to watch the other night. She absolutely loves that film. And I'd have to agree. I know some of you think it's bologna and that's fine but I do find that movie a quiet inspiration for my soul.
Today I woke up and decided to rule this day. What a beautiful idea, taking control of your own happiness and joyful thoughts. So after yelling at myself the night before and setting a rather blunt alarm to remind me to run I did just that. I then swung a little on the park swings. Enjoyment flooding my heart. I then sat on the park walk and assumed a meditative pose and allowed my mind to be quiet focusing on nothing but my breath as it flooded in goodness to my cells and exhaled pain and brokenness until all I felt was joy, love and peace. Upon getting up I remembered that age is creeping up upon my joints so I took 5 minutes to stretch out all the tightness. (here comes the point of this story btw). Once I got to work the hustle and bustle of a busy lunch went so much easier! I was talking to a friend who her boyfriend had recently broken up with her and she has decided to not give love another chance (not that I blame her being in her spot multiple times. She however has a man who has been in love with her for a while and since she is now single is attempting to show his affections. She however wants to run full tilt the opposite direction fearing the same outcome as before. (and here is where I actually get to my point) I am so glad that I accepted my pain. I am so glad that I forced myself through it the long hard ugly way. I am glad that I gave as many chances I could to each man in my life. I am glad that all of those chances ended up with me crying myself to sleep. I am glad that the bartender has found a girl to marry that is not me. I am glad that Adam never fell in love with me completely. I am glad that Nick lived in Alaska. I am glad that I had too much neck hair for the motocross rider. I am glad that I am "too good" for Bear. And the reason is this. If at night I didn't feel completely alone. And if when I wake in the morning I did not feel hopeless I would not have searched for hope, strength, love of self, courage and compassion. Because I probably went about my heart breaks in the worst possible ways I still believe in love, trust and companionship. I might not ever find it for myself....but I know I can be strong, I know I can love, I know I will be just fine when all is said and done.
I love each and every person who stood by my side as I completely unraveled my own life because without you I wouldn't have become a smarter, stronger and more loving version of me.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
































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Drinks Vol5

This is super yummy!
1.25oz Pinnacle Whipped Vodka
.75oz Skyy Citrus Vodka
1oz Orange Juice
1oz Half & Half
Shake and serve with an orange slice. Yummy!!!




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23

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
- Marilyn Monroe




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it is belief

Today I would like to say a bit about my parents.
My mom sells Shaklee products and has since I was little. My dad was a pastor of a church and still is a pastor in many ways even though he doesn't have a building for people to enter into they still come.

What do these two things about my parents have in common? The main emphasis in both of their careers (you could say they chose but I believe the careers chose them) is that they support people.
Today my mom is helping a woman with her two little boys who needs to make $1,000 by the end of the week in order to keep her electricity, water, and her roof. Now if my parents had that $1,000 I could guarantee they would give it to her but they don't so they sat down came up with a seriously intensive plan for her to sell the number of protein shakes, and vitamins to reach her financial goal by this week. Now it's hard and close to unfeasible but with my parents supporting her I feel like she can do it.

The thing is maybe my parents don't always make the best choices (who does?) and maybe they make mistakes throughout their lives (who doesnt?) but my parents have successfully mastered one thing and that is loving people. They are both imperfect (aren't we all?) but they never give up. I have never once hear my parents talk despairingly of the human race, as war, genocide, hate, laziness, unintelligence run rampant through the world they both believe there are still redeeming qualities. I don't know if i have ever even heard them talk despairingly about a situation they just support care and look for solutions.
And so my parents who each have a birthday this week I am so grateful that you have instilled in me a spirit of optimism, hope, perseverance and most importantly forgiveness.



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it is age

So here I am at the end of a very enlightening day and the beginning of a sleep filled day :-). I have decided that I am going to enjoy being old. I am one that enjoys a bar and a few drinks followed by and few awkward dance moves. But I am realizing that I actually am old and I like it. As I want dancing around west port this evening I kept thinking all I want to be doing is sitting on a couch somewhere with someone reading, watching a movie, playing a game whatever just home relaxing. That being said since I have no one to do said activities with I guess I shall continue my pub crawls until I find that someone.
Good night world...


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Drinks vol 4

Today was a perfect fall day. Sprinkles of chilly rain fell for most of the afternoon. Chilly breeze filled the air. After a long day at the restaurant I decided a chick flick and hot toddy would be the prefect end. Here's what you need to know....

2oz Jameson
1oz honey
2 drops lemon juice
Half a pinch of ground cloves
Hot water

Don't forget your favorite mug!

Relax :-)

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-1$

After the fourth person has commented on this idea of mine I decided I should share. And if I find any more money saving creative ideas I'll be sure to share!
I'm sure your all seen the info-mercial advertising the bubble waterers?


Try this one and save a buck - after your girls night in grab one of those empty wine bottles rinse it fill it with water and stick it upside-down in the soul of your potted friend. Same laws of physics apply as the $20 item but you got to drink a bottle of wine :-)



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Drinks Vol3

Being the baby bartender that I am I find it entertaining to create silly martini's this one actually turned out spectacular - probs because I used some of the best coffee known to the Midwest (Lakota Roasters Italian Blend freaking delicious and well worth the drive :-))

Bex Espresso Martini

2oz Bailey's Original
1oz Vodka
2oz Espresso (Please note - do not assume that if you buy an espresso blend from the store and put it in your drip coffee pot you are drinking espresso, this is not the case. If you do not have a good quality espresso machine on your kitchen counter, get one. Until that day use either a French Press or an Italian Press.)

Add all ingredients to a shaker filled with ice, then shake until you feel the calorie burn and pour into your favorite martini glass.

ENJOY!

22

I feel that if we all thought we were the most amazing most beautiful most kind most good person on the planet we would never find love. It is in our insecurities and our inadequacies that we find the humility to seek out others to make us better stronger and more beautiful versions of ourself which then allows love to grow and blossom into the most beautiful and fragile flower that it is.




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it is movement

It is time to move. I sit here stagnant. I am holding onto dreams that never will come true. Loves that never will be fulfilled and hopes that are better off dead. The last couple of years my world has turned upside down inside out and I have found myself swimming in a dark sea. I have a life-preserver, my family and friends keeping me afloat. But it is time to swim. It is time to find ground to stand on. It is time to let go of people that are holding me back. It is time to stop waiting on others so that I can live my life.
But my problem is...I don't know what life I am supposed to be living.


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it is my birthday

While my mother was heading out the door she said "she might be gray but she still has her brains" lol thanks mom :-).
Today is my 29th birthday. One year from thirty. So what am I doing today to celebrate? Well I drove with my windows down on a beautiful cool morning. Went to my favorite Italian market and got some fresh sausage and tomatoes to make lasagna for my close friends and family tonight. Baked cookies. Drank some beer. Painted my toes. Watched some old RomCom's. But today above all the birthday wishes given to me from my friends and family has kept me smiling all day. It is good to feel loved. I'm happy I was born. I am happy that my life is the crazy mess that it is. I am happy I know love and know that I can love.


Other things going on today......

Dictionary.com's work of the day is compeer which means close friend or comrade.

The US Olympic Team has 27 gold medals at the London 2012 games.

Neal Armstrong was born.

Marilyn Monroe died.

The cornerstone for the statue of liberty was laid.

Not a bad day :-)


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Drinks Vol 2

For this summer refreshment I modified a recipe I found in Yoga Journal.
Put all ingredients in your blender in the following order;
1 cup ice
1/2 of a cantaloupe
6 fresh mint leaves
1 cup coconut water
4 drops rose oil
2 pinches of nutmeg
1 dash of sea salt

Blend on low until smooth and enjoy!



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it is simple

if we must reap what we sow let us sow seeds of a sweet and tasty fruit.

it is a bit of pink happy

After a fun holiday going back to work a double just really didn't seem like my idea of a cheerful day. While I was running errands between jobs I changed out of my dress shoes into a favorite pair of flip flops. When I looked down I smiled, there were my flashy pink toes shining back at me in the summer sun :-) And that my friends silly and tiny as it was made the second half of my day seem a lot less dreary.



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Drinks Vol 1

My recipe to shake off the rainy blues:

Sunshine
Family
Fruity beverage
Smoky grilled food
Colby Calait

Sit back relax and enjoy.




Sangria Recipe

1Bottle of Sauv Blanc
1 liter of Blood Orange Soda (found mine at World Market)
1/2 liter of Club Soda
Muddle fresh blueberries and raspberries

Combine all ingredients in pitcher and stir
Garnish glasses with your favorite fruit and enjoy!

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my bodyguard

Thursday, April 12 at 215pm my bodyguard left this earth. There is an old saying that great horses are knights reincarnated and if there ever was a great horse he was one. For those of you who haven't experienced a relationship with a horse you will have no idea what I am talking about so the best way I can describe it to you is this, he challenged me, loved me, fought with me, played with me, bled for me, worked for me, gave his entire heart for me, and I did the same. We were in all definitions partners. 8 years ago he was diagnosed with COPD and with monitoring it was under control, two weeks ago the disease started taking its toll and steriods, antibiotics and antihystamines did no good. On our walk in from the pasture to get his daily med dose he had a seizure and died with his head in my hand he took his last breath. He had been my horse for 14 years, a member of my family and my friend.

I wrote the following poem years ago while grooming him late one night after a summer workout. It was and is the sum of all that he means to me.

Oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Who in a daisied meadow,

Was born of strength and grace.

Oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Whose eyes are full of wonder,

Whose beating steps shake earth

Resembling the sound of thunder,.

And oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Whose eyes are full of wisdom,

~Whose face is full of grace.

Amazing it is to me,

That a beast so strong and true,

Would choose to be my confidante,

My guardian pure and true.

And oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

When the lightning leaves your footsteps,

And the wind won't kiss your face,

Know this my ancient steed,

When you must leave this place;

My heart will be your home,

Where I carry memories of your face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was an amazing beast and he will be missed by many. I love you Bodyguard.