TGiF?

I find it amazing how programmed we as humans are. On occasion throughout my life I have had what I like to refer as "matrix moments". I am sure a good chunk of you reading this blog have seen the movie, and I venture a guess that all have at least heard of it. Now before I continue I must digress to say that I am not a lover of the trilogy but I did find some of the points interesting food for thought, this being one of them. Now back to my narration...
The first time I had a "matrix moment" I was working at a before school daycare with the YMCA. It was a brilliant program, and I truly enjoyed my job. One day as I was leaving as the kids were coming into the school I had this terrible sense of monotony and depression as I watched these children all rush into the school to be boxed up for several hours, let to play for a set period, then shipped off to sport or music or some other practice of sorts. I could just see the massive computer calculating developing cells or whatever it needed to harvest from these poor young things. So sitting here today, a Friday in the great year of 2007 (well I guess every year should be considered great if we are living to see it) it struck me that at such an early age as 3 we are programmed to love Fridays. Being homeschooled I have to confess that I assumed that TGIF was for adults mostly and children were immune to the love of the weekend because everyday after school work was finished there was something to look forward to. As I am now somewhat of an adult living an adult life I find it completely appalling that the children who come into my shop at 5 years of age who are looking forward to the weekend! From that early age we are completely programmed to follow some sort of rule that society has pressed upon us, including the general love of Fridays. If you think about it when Friday morning rolls around and you are laying underneath all your warm blankets soaking up the last minutes or sleep the one thing that makes that day any better than the day before is the fact that this day is Friday. You suddenly know that you can get out of bed today because it is the last day of the work week and that if you make it through that day you will be able to enjoy Saturday and Sunday. Now, is Friday any easier a day than say Wednesday? Is it more fun? Is your work load lighter? Even I succumb to the joy of Friday, which makes no sense in seeing that I work every Saturday and Fridays actually tend to be longer and harder than the rest of the week. Again it goes back to the programibilty of the human psyche. So I pose this question, why not Monday? Can we not be as excited on Monday as we are on Friday? If you think about it one day is no different than the next and if the fact that we view Friday as a better day then the lot of them why can we not choose a different day? Can we not re-program ourselves? Defy the "master controller" of society and take a firm grip on our own psyche? Or is it that we as a human race have settled? Have we simply settled on, the best paying job we could find, or the only job we could find, without applying ourselves to gain what really would be the best for our lives in the long run, not just at the time? Or is it circumstances that have forced us into jobs that we dislike so much that when the weekend comes that is the only time we can really be ourselves? Can we not change our circumstances? Or is someone pulling the strings? Do we fall into self-sabotaging states that keep us in those circumstances? I firmly believe that each and every person has a purpose here on this earth, but I also believe that the majority of people are honestly too blind or caught up to see it. I think that we are all so programmed to do what society wants us to do we forget about our own self worth. I think it is time that the human race made a stand for itself. I think that we should search our souls our innermost places and find what truly brings us joy, and focus on that each and every day, not just Fridays. And once you find this joy make sure you spend a little bit of time as often as you can soaking in this activity. A psychology professor of mine once told me that to keep a healthy psyche that we must for every one thing that we are obligated to do we must do seven things that we want to do to keep the balance. This of course does not mean that we will all be able to quit our hated jobs and leave the ugly cubicles behind, but maybe we can bring a little joy into our lives every day not just the weekends. So I challenge you all to make the effort to wakr up every morning and say TGiM or TGiT! And attack the day with vigor are break the program of society and take a hold of your own life, your own day!

Your Life, You Decide

How do you decide what exactly it is you want to do with your life? Where does the answer come from? Does it come from somewhere deep inside or is it a flashing neon sign that tells you where your future lies. Why is it that what you want to do inevitably NEVER makes money but takes money, why is it that our passions turn into hobbies so that we can support ourselves and our families? Why is this world set in such a pattern that requires self sacrifice for ungrateful corporations and grouchy bosses? Who decides our path? Is it the people and circumstances around us, or our soul?

Solo

On occasion I feel lonely. I am generally an independent woman, I run my own business, I live in my house, mow my own lawn, drive my own car. But there are sometimes when I would really like to be in some sort of committed relationship with some fabulous man who is not intimidated by my independence and bullheadedness. Who would be there when I feel like a little girl and need someone's shoulder to cry on, when I awake in the middle of the night terrified that something retched has just happened to be there to look me in the eye and tell me its alright. When those feelings of desperation grip me, when I feel terribly and utterly alone what am I to do?
I instantly start thinking of all the men in my life. The ones I said no to, should I have said yes? The ones who wanted to control me like a shrew, the ones who turned out to be mere boys, not men. Then I think of my friends and their "other halves" would I have the patience to make something work? Are they really happy sacrificing part of themselves for the other? Then like a breath of spring air, just after it rains, you know the clean earth and cool breeze, a man sweeps in and states an interest in me, little ol' me, and suddenly I wouldn't care that I might have to give up some of my dreams, maybe a few small ones to be with this person, a person who I cared for a long time, without knowing it was reciprocated. The emotions that had flooded me were so marvelous and joyful. Then to have it stolen away again, without an explanation, without a word, without a single utterance.
Again I must prepare myself for being alone for the rest of my life, just when I had tossed the rag aside. Just when I thought there might be some slight hope of togetherness in my future. So I bear myself up, I say "that's ok, it wouldn't have worked anyhow." So now I go on, I scoop up the dead bird, I talk myself out of being afraid, I buckle down and work extra long hours and eat cereal for dinner. I move on into the future, saying I'll be fine to live alone, to Christmas alone, to have a future alone, to die alone. On the outside showing a face that doesn't scar, on the inside crying out in fear, that I will be alone, that I won't know the joy of companionship, that there will be no togetherness, that there will be no marvelous arguments about what color to paint the bathroom, that I will never know why it feels good to sacrifice for the other, to never watch the sunset in another's arms, to never be gifted a rose of deep scarlet, to never wear a silly ring, to never comfort another's pain, to never have someone to cook for, to never have to clean another's socks.
I tell myself that I can make it through this world with a few close friends and I'll be fine. But deep deep down there is not a cell in me that wants the solo life. I want to be in an eternal duet, so that way whatever may happen, good or bad there will be someone to lean on and someone for me to support, that fabulous give and take is what I want. Where tomorrow arises with shared joy, where his sadness, love, passion, hope would be mine as well.
For now though, I am alone. And I must accept this. For now I have to be the big independent woman not desperate for a man. For desperation leads to rash, fear-driven decisions that only end in pain. For now I must be strong, stronger than most men that I know. But I have to hope that one day, maybe someday I will meet the man I love, who is big and strong, and who I will do my best to keep him for all eternity, so that in this life and the next I will never be alone.

Reflections on Nothing

Have you ever felt like you really had something to say but nothing seems to come out? Like your thoughts cannot align themselves to figure out which words to say first if any at all. How do you know what to say when something sad happens, to you, to a friend, to someone on the other side of the bar? Do you ever feel like you are lost in a waste land and nothing seems alive around you? Like everything has given up waiting for the rain? Then do you think that you would really rather be in that dessert because the world you are in seems so cold, that if you were in the desert you might come across some beduins and you could make a new life with them? And that even though it would be a terribly hard life it would at least be warmer. Have you ever felt interminably lonely that you are just going to have to buck it up and keep your chin high for the rest of your life and no matter how badly you want to you won't be able to let yourself fall apart because if you do there will be no one there to catch you. But you have to keep hoping I guess that someday that someone will come along.

Birds and the Bees, Flowers and Trees

After a great intellectual, somewhat insulting (towards me) discussion with a guy friend of mine i was left to ponder the differences of men and women and why we are different and should be treated as such. There are obvious physical differences that I am sure we would all agree upon. But there are also many emotional and hormonal differences that i believe, at least in my circle of friends, that normally fall into the category of PMS (at the moment I am writing this I would like everyone to know that no, it is not that time of month). When I think of people getting married, which is actually how this subject came up, I find it very interesting to see who people choose to become their life partner, their other half. Most of my friends are married, getting married or in a committed relationship that will most probably end in marriage. Fortunately or unfortunately this is not the case for me. I have been told that I am too passionate a person, expect too much from a man, and that fiery people have more to work on to become a good Christian (and no he was not dating me). Now I know that I am a passionate person and I am a bit headstrong but it fits my life. I cannot express enough at how one day I would hope to find my equal that I would be able to spend the rest of my life with. I am searching for someone who is equally passionate, is strong in places I am weak and fit together so that we would be as one.

Now to hopefully clear the air for my good friend I will attempt to explain the way I view the differences in men and women in hopefully clear terms. I do believe deep in my heart that every woman should be respected like a princess. Now before you get up in arms boys, I also believe that every man should be respected like a prince. I feel that the lack of respect that the general population holds for one another is entirely appalling and should be addressed. Now I would hope that we all agree that princes and princesses have entirely different roles. The prince is to be groomed for leadership, taught in the art of war, prepared to defend his people. While the princess is to be the giver, the lover of charity and have the compassion to help the less fortunate. When you look at history you can see the great royalties that have made an impact on the world around them. Such as, King Wenseslas of Bohemia, Queen Elanor of Aquitaine, Elizabeth 1 of England, King Arthur, Saint George. All who stood for a greater purpose and were respectful of everyman and wholly devoted to the women that they loved.

A woman is like a flower. For the all the different kinds of flowers there are equally types of women. Flowers need different attention then say a tree. Some women are like orchids or african violets who need extra special attention and care. Others could be compared to mums, daisies or zinias, who need minimal attention but you still need to nip and feed and water them, while still others are of the wild variety thriving on their own, making do with what they can. And the same goes for trees, as I would liken to men, the majority of trees grow very well where they are planted, many grown strong without added assistance. Though there are varieties of trees that are more sensitive that require more care (respect) than others. In the plant kingdom we also find that there can be perfect harmony among these two species (marriage). Take for example the fruit bearing tree where the tree, after it has grown and come into itself supplies the support needed for the blossom (the woman) providing it the nutrients and water (care and respect) that is needed for her to bear fruit (not to be taken in the literal sense that all women must bear children because "fruit" can be love, care and admiration, or anything else that is needed by the man). Or you could see pansies thriving under the shade of a big strong oak.

All of this is to say that we all need and deserve respect. Each and every human, passionate or dull, black or purple, weak or strong. And we also need to know who we are so that we can find the correct match. Because you see a zinia will not do well under the shade of a weeping willow. No we are all perfect because we are all imperfect and we should learn to love our imperfects selves and love the other perfect (imperfect) people around us.

Farewell to Bill

As you may or may not know Bill the Pony has found a new home in Erie CO. So we must say goodbye to the wonderful pony Bill in true lovers fashion.

Here's a photo of Bill in his new home in CO!

Happy Grandparents Day!

I love all my wonderful Grandparents!

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

My Boys!

Bodyguard and my little sis. I think this is the only time the two of them have gotten along. :-)

Me and Bodyguard.

My loony horse Stitch, he likes to make faces at people :-p

Annie and I share the 3 legged Stitch :-) He likes her more than me :-(

This is my ever-so-wonderful pony by the name of Bill. Bill the Pony! He has a new home in CO :-) Where he will be loved and cherished I am sure! :-)