it is sambuca

Having a night off is a rare and beautiful thing in my life. Tonight's was one of those unplanned gems due to an alignment of the planets, a cold, a chilly night and a closed patio sent me home at 4 this afternoon.
So I spent it in good Italian fashion; a slice of pizza smothered in fresh mozzarella followed up with a shot of sambuca and a glass of wine. Yum! Me being a light weight this promptly passed me out cold by 730.
Now its 130 in the morning and I'm wide awake. So whats a girl to do before dawn? Watch tv and eat some haggen daaz. TV of choice tonight? White Collar.
I love this first season of White Collar. Neal searching for Kate the sparring between Peter and Neal. And Mozzie, I love Mozzie.
Anyways this is a pointless blog. I'm lonely, bored, awake at an ungodly hour, the only person I want to talk to I can't and I have a cold. Thank the gods for haggen daaz.


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it is a changing person

I've been doing deep thinking lately about change and I thought I'd revisit my blog about the subject.
The other day I was talking to a friend about his girlfriend and the problems they are having. I asked him if he really wanted things to work out between them and he said "well if she would change abc and xyz then maybe" My response was of course people don't change. Then I started thinking about how much life does change. And how much I've changed. And how much people I know have changed. But why is it whenever we speak of relationships we say 'you better love that person as they are they won't change' or 'if you have that issue with them now it's will only get worse because they won't stop that habit'? Because truth of the matter is people do change. We can't change people but people change themselves. So this of course got me thinking about my personal change and growth and learning. I really like who I am now. But I also liked who I was in the past. Truth is I think there was only a short period in my teenhood that I didn't like myself. Yet I've changed so much in the past 5 years. So here's the theory I came up with after hours of pondering..... I am the same me just a deeper older wiser version of me. I still have my sense of adventure, my kindness, my silliness, my deep pure heart, my sense of humor, my same character flaws and strengths exist.
So here is my theory. We do change, we grow, we learn hopefully we get wiser but most importantly we become more of who we already were. Our outsides might change our attitudes, our perceptions but our hearts our core our souls they don't that is who we are 'til the day we die. I believe we can unearth good or bad parts of us as time goes by but it of course can only be our choosing not being forced by someone else's mind.


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it is a love song

This week has been full of love songs running through my head. Possibly because I am singing a few dozen tomorrow at my dear friends wedding :-). From Elvis to Bob Dylan, Etta James to John Legend we searched across genres and generations to find some of the best romantic love songs written, that I am capable of singing anyways.

When asked how do you know if you are in love the answer usually follows - all the love songs make sense. In fact in one song "La Vie En Rose" the author so plainly put it 'I thought that love was just a word, they sang about in songs I've heard, it took your kisses to reveal, that I was wrong and love is real'. (Oh this thought process is bringing up old blog post memories, unfortunately I cannot find the blog which I will now refer to. I'll attach it later if I find it) So here in this song it is sung that we don't understand love until we live through it, nor (would I dare to venture to say?) that we don't know love until we lose it. So here I am on a love song binge preparing for two of my best friends to get married contemplating all the different types of love I am singing about. See you have the La Vie En Rose love, the crazy passionate druggie love 'When you kiss me angels sing and even though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose (translated; life through rose colored glasses)'. And then you have the melodramatic love of Dylan 'I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue, there is nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love'. How crazy drunk in love do you have to be to feel that? And isn't there a part of each and everyone of us that wants someone to love us that over the top? Even the strong macho men (which I realize there are probably very few of you who read this blog) would want a woman to say 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me all my wildest dreams come true'? I mean who among us can say we don't want that passionate love in our lives? And don't we all deserve it?

There is also the still love (best word I could come up with to describe that). The aspect of love that makes the world seem to stop for a moment, Melody Gardot expresses it in her song 'ticks may never hear a tock, but it don't matter, because when I'm with you, the whole world stands still, you're my one and only thrill.' Or in Hoagie Carmichael's song "The Nearness of You" the connection we feel when we are in love 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me, all my wildest dreams come true.'

I think one of my favorite songs we are singing would have to be "the Story." In it's simplicity the author says the love stories have all been told, they all begin differently and some end poorly 'But if you don't try, the light won't hit your eye, and the moon won't rise'. Still being a hopeless romantic I always believe love deserves a chance at fruition.

So tomorrow afternoon I will take guests on a tour of many of the different facets of the love that lead to a life together. Most important aspect of that love which I have come to crave is the steady love. It was Dylan who also wrote 'you turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see, just being next to you is a natural thing for me, and I could never let you go no matter what goes on, I love you more than ever now that the past is gone.' I was texting with a friend the other day and I described this love as a meat and potatoes kind of love. A love that you can survive on not one that only exists on a druggy high but has stability of friendship and trust and respect. That is the kind of love I want, that natural easy stable love. Sure with a bit of the drug high a rush of adrenaline at the thought of seeing them, a stomach flip when they surprise you, a flood of passion when you kiss. But still that love that could make it through hell and back again, that (for lack of a better analogy) eat every day and survive on. (I would like to put in a side note here and state that even though you can survive entirely on meat and potatoes there should be veggies and desserts and garnishes and drink in your life as well - I know I'm weird but bear with me - I believe you need a solid love to build of of and have friends and family surrounding you so that if the potato famine hits and the cows all get hoof and mouth you have others to rely on to get you through :-))