it is the old revisited

Today while I was mowing the lawn my mind wandered, which it often does while performing just about any task, but as I was mowing under the apple tree I remembered a conversation Adam and I had. He had decided, in a moment, that he wanted to help me with my yard work and so as I was dressed for an afternoon party in my skirt and heels I followed him along picking up the branches he trimmed. When we got to the apple tree he asked which branches I wanted off. I told him none, even the low hanging ones had to stay. You see when you stand underneath the tree it creates a canopy of green and red and in my mind is one of the most enchanting places on earth. He said to me "You know you should put a bench under here, it is very intimate." We discussed where the best spot for said bench would be. He said "I kinda like it right here its quiet and secluded you feel all alone here. What do you think?" I responded with something to the effect "it will be you sitting on the bench with me so if you like it I like it." He used to get this look, you know the look when you are thinking about something happy that hasn't happened yet, you're imagining something good, pleasant etc. Anyways then he just said "Huh" If you don't know Adam you wouldn't understand the huh, but he packed a lot of info into a huh. Anyways I was then thinking about Adam and how we never would get to sit on that bench, which of course made me sad. To remind myself of why he and I shouldn't have ever worked out I thought about all the things that he did that pissed me off, namely not reading this blog. In his defense he read it once, he read the post about Freddy, he said it hit too close to home and didn't want to read anymore. In truth that particular post had nothing to do with Adam. It was actually something I had been thinking about for some time and had just found the words to express my thought and so I wrote it out. (If you want to read that post click here) Anyways I found myself thinking about said post and about Freddy. You see in the movie My Fair Lady he ends up alone, but in the play he ends up with Eliza. It seems that even the writers couldn't decide whether it is better to love or to be loved.

Now I was thinking about this dilemma, to be loved or to love and comparing it to myself. I'm still admittedly in love with Adam, I know we probably shouldn't be together, that we just keep hurting each other and that neither one of us are apparently willing or able to be what the other needs or wants, I get that. But I am still in love with him. Then we have Jimmy, sweet guy from CA. He texted me today asked if we could be friends even if we couldn't be together. Said a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't wondered how I've been. He is crazy about me, he doesn't really know me at all, but he's crazy about me. If this was My Fair Lady we have all the characters. Henry would of course be Adam, I would be Eliza and of course Jimmy would be Freddy. Could I be Eliza of the film and be with Henry who doesn't love me but wants me in his life? No. I can't really. I would be miserable. Nor could I be Eliza of the play and go and be with Freddy, it's not fair to him... and I would end up miserable.

I guess I should be glad life isn't the movies, or a play :-)