- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:County Road 311,,United States
Saturday, April 9, 2011
it is a spiritual something or other
I'm sitting here at the most adorable little retreat center. It is quiet and tucked away into the trees. I've been here for 24 hours. Most of those hours were spent with me being bored out of my mind writing aimless thoughts in a journal and wondering why I am here and how long do I have to stay until I feel like a more balanced spiritual person. I turned my phone on in exasperation to text my best and dearest friend and to ask her if I came home now would that make me a failure. I realized that the only reason I was staying here past last night was to somehow prove to myself,or God maybe, that I could sit enraptured in this silence and marvel at His glories and hopefully in that remarkable task be given enlightenment as to why I feel that my life is well life. So then I thought to myself how does going home early equal failure? And why do I care? Will God think less of me for going home? Will the little retired priest think it was a failure? Will he care? Why do I care if he cares? And that is when enlightenment hit. I am in fear of becoming a failure and I often consider myself a failure and so I find myself living life the way I feel a failure should. I allow things in my life to spiral out thinking see you are a failure at budgeting that's why you paid that bill late etc etc. But I would like you all to know that even though I failed miserably at my first attempt at love, and that I had a nervous breakdown, and that I allowed the failing at love ruin my happiness for far too long, and the fact that I pay my bills late, and that I forget a lot of things, and that I write really stupid blogs ( I would like to take this moment to thank all of you for allowing me to say stupid things and not judging me <3), and that I change my mind about issues, and that I've never chosen a brilliant career path I AM NOT A FAILURE! :-)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
That was surely worth the trip. So glad u discovered what i know. Love you
Amazing stuff coming from a confessed "failure", eh? :)
Jack Kornfield (again, my most fave mortal teacher) says of silent meditation, "You find out the mind has no pride"
So true.
I know of a retreat center south of here....and guess what? I recommended it over the years to some of my closest spiritual friends. You know how many went? None. You know the most common answer as to why they didnt? "I'm afraid I'd go nuts being in my own mind that long"
Mom's right (I promise...I'll never say it again )...going, in many ways, -was- the victory...showed the strength...the courage...the wonderment.
You are 28 and you have already done three things I know of that few 50 year olds have done...
1) Risked and sacrificed to own your own
2) Admitted to needing a break (ie: listened to your body/heart/mind...even if in desparation..and dismissed ego to save your life)
3) Went on a silent retreat.
All this said, psychology 101 tells me never to intrude on another's sense of "fill in the negative self-tape".
If I'm ever to be a failure though, Bec...I want to fail just like you.
Trees do not grow at the tops of mountains...they grow most in the valleys however deep or slight they be.
Keep growing. Some of us grow with you...just over the hill in our own unique, and yeah, sometimes painful...valley.
Keep growing...and I promise, so will I ;)
well,Bri, your comment was absolutely profound and has moved my heart to ponder the values and truths. I agree with every statement. And i will keep them in mind always. Thank you, again, for being our friend.
Thanks, Cheryl. And thanks for extending yourself and your family to so many of us. I've always treasured each encounter with you, Bec and Ed.
Thank you both. I am so eternally grateful for such wonderful people to be in my life.
one more thought: if you love at all you cannot be a failure at love. only those who never love have failed.
Post a Comment