Today as I went off on my run I was in quite a foul mood. So many dragons battling it out in my mind. Too much. Family and personal struggles with money, work, careers, school, goals, dreams, love. And so my run was less than stellar to say the least. I would run for 30seconds and thoughts of why couldn't he love me, why do I have to have a career, why is life so bloody expensive, why am I fat (probs because I am not running lol), why isn't life what I think it should be?!?! I got back to my car and decided I should meditate. I recently flipped through a book by some monk (cannot think of his name right now) he said to begin meditating focusing on nothing but your breath (I am breathing in, I am breathing out is your entire mantra) once that is successful and you are quite from the worlds noise you can breath in good things and breath out specific hurts. And so I did. I exhaled, worthlessness, anger, pain, insecurities. I even exhaled my fat lol. I pushed all the reasons that I hold onto things right out of my cells. I pushed out my fear of being unlovable and I pushed out my emptiness. I blew out toxins and money. These things do not deserve to be part of my cell composition. I inhaled so much love I ended up laughing with tears streaming down my face as I became overwhelmed with good good things. The sun beating down on my face the wind brushing my cheek poured love, joy, hope and beauty into me. When I came out of the meditation I realized just because life is hard, and it always will be does not mean life isn't good. I focus so much time and effort onto the hardship I forget to look at sweetness. Yes work is long, but you can pay your bills, yes the bills are plentiful, but you have a job. Yes you are single, but you have family, yes your family can drive you crazy, but you have friends. Yes your heart was hurt, but your heart can now learn to be whole. I know I have a very long way to go before I see life the way I would like to. But I feel like it can happen. I want to smile with my liver.
Today's intention: to see beauty.
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2 comments:
I can only smile. I think it's my liver smiling. Thanks for sharing
This almost made me cry (of course, it didn't, but it almost did, which is still pretty big for me). I should try this some time. I've been holding way too much bad inside myself lately. I need to let it all go.
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