it is house

I have watched 6 seasons of House MD in the past three weeks. Yes that's right, I have spent over 140 hours with Dr. House and his crew since Aug 15th. I picked up a season instead of chocolate ice cream, a coping mechanism I picked up years ago (which is why those of you who have been to my house surely have noticed the massive pile of DVDs). I discovered that when I am stressed and cannot deal with a situation movies and TV tend to help me process a whole heck of a lot better than sweets. And another plus is they don't tend to add pounds to my waist :-).
As I was saying, I picked up a season of House MD to help me process my broken heart. And one season led to two and then three by the time I finished the third season I decided that when I finished the 6th I would have clarity and be able to start functioning in the real world and not be lost in my head anymore. So here is a blog to tell you, if you care to read it, what I learned while watching 6 seasons of House MD.

*Friends are wonderful. Ari and Jen were trading shifts watching the saga unfold and as things would come up and prompt me to talk they were there for me. Thank you.

*It is never sarcoidosis no matter how much the symptoms point to it, or no matter how much you want it to be it never is sarcoidosis.

*Forgiveness is often hard to come by.

* Love is really what matters at the end of the day. Without it we will be incredibly lost and alone. And no matter how hard it is for us to show love we must.

*Contrary to House's belief God is very important to us wee mortals.

*This life we lead is not a test.

*I am more like House than I originally thought, I may not be a great puzzler or a genius however if there is a question I must find the answer a little obsessively actually.

When the season finale for season 6 played across my TV at 1230 last night I laid in bed and cried and prayed for about an hour. Following the emotional outbusrt I fell into a fitful night's sleep full of dreams and wishes of things that would never be. I woke in tears wondering if it was worth getting out of bed, wondering if people really would care if there was no coffee for them this morning. And then my dog stood on my stomach and wagged her tail to be let outside, so I got up. I got to work and I realized I was actually happy not joyous down to my core, not the same happy I had felt the past 5 months but I was able to enjoy the customers coming in, the old men with there same terrible jokes the cyclists on their pit-stop, I was actually enjoying the busyness that was around me. I was actually smiling a real smile for the first time in weeks, I actually felt OK. I am not expecting this to be the cure to my heartache, I am quite sure tonight will be very hard to fall asleep in the silence that engulfs me. I am quite sure I will dream and possibly awake in tears again. But I am quite confident I will get better, eventually. Three days ago I wasn't quite sure, I went outside and watched a storm blow past from my patio, a friend drove past and saw me outside and stopped to say hello she was in the neighborhood for a random reason and when she saw me she felt it pressed on her heart to come talk, she let me cry and she talked me through some pain. When she left I felt not quite as alone, I know its silly I've had friends around me constantly supporting me and helping me as I try to wrap my head around the rejection I've been feeling and this massive sense of loss. But I've felt alone, I felt that God has actually quit trying to reach me that all that He had said the past few months I had misinterpreted, that I was being a typical silly human and read into signs what I wanted to. I was rethinking my faith, maybe thats the wrong way to put it, I was rethinking how I believed. I here I was on my sofa a friend just happened to come by in one of my darkest hours, maybe God still does care.