it is letting go

Today I am learning how to let go. It is one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. I wonder how long it will take before I can let it go, let it all go.

it is the nicest things

As I mentioned in the last post I went on a little road trip with my dog yesterday. I am now safely and merrily back at home and the dog no longer has to guard her bone from passersby. Driving home this morning I popped in Kate Nash's Made of Bricks album. My dearest friend KG gave this to me and said to listen to the Nicest Things track it reminds me of you and Adam. For those of you who don't know I had such a huge crush on him about 2 years ago. Every time he would come into the shop I would get all flustered and awkward and I couldn't talk to him. Which he took as rejection thinking I didn't like him. Not that I blame him mind you, I did shut him down on frequent occasion, never intentionally mind you just

stupidly. Anyways all that being said I was driving home, listening to Kate Nash realizing that this song was as true now as it was then. Earlier on the trip I was listening to the You've Got Mail soundtrack and the Puppy Song has a line that goes something like this Dreams are wishes when we are asleep and wishes are dreams we want to come true. So here are the lyrics to share with you, cyber world, muse over them and my lost wish.

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.

I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something

it's a dog's life

My dog Nakima and I went on a little road trip. We are tucked into a hotel off the highway and as people walk past our room she was letting out a low growl. She has now fallen asleep facing the door and protecting her bone. Oh to be a dog.




-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is a new friend

Today was a rather dopey day. Don't really know how else to explain it. I was busy busy busy all day running here and running here and there. Way too much to do. Over taxing my brain and having a mini meltdown. But a friend stopped by at the end of the night and let me vent. And then I gained a new little friend ;-)





The day may have started out a little off, but life's OK :-)

-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

It is Meg Ryan

My life has gone from being plain and ordinary to a Meg Ryan movie. On this little adventure I took in love I have experienced several of Meg's characters in my life. It started out as You've Got Mail. I often feel like Kathleen Kelly but I had never felt that anticipation that excitement she felt waiting for the email. Until now. Every time his name was in my inbox my heart would stop and I couldn't wait to read what he had to say. The phone calls the text messages I would jump every time the bell would go off telling me I had a text hoping it would be from him. Oh and if it was, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face no matter how hard I tried. One of the girls who works for me said to me one day "did you talk to him this morning?" "yes, why?" "because whenever you see him or talk to him before you cone into work you are just so much happier, lighter"
Then my life turned into "When Harry Met Sally" the friendship the conversations the camaraderie then followed by the awkwardness of the fact that I had fallen in love with him and he did not feel the same way about me. Then the conversations got really interesting.
Now my life has turned into "The Women" where Mary argues with her husband and says all the wrong things. Unfortunately I don't think he will ever think I'm worth coming back to.
All of this is to say; what in the world would we do without Meg Ryan?

P.S. A brief shout out to Sandra Bullock, her role in While You Were Sleeping, when her boss asks her "What happened to the other guy?" "He didn't want me." Yeah had that moment too.

-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is blueberry pie

If you haven't yet it you all must watch "my blueberry nights". It's a movie about crossing the street. Yes it sounds odd and possibly boring but it's worth a watch I promise (Annie you know I'm right).
Love is a funny thing. It makes us do funny things, can't wipe the smile off your face, butterflies in your stomach, dancing in stores, laughing for no reason, dreams, daydreams, lots of thinking, lots of talking and so much happiness. Having your heart broken makes us lash out in ways that you never thought you could lash. Well for me anyways that's how it was. In a moment of excruciating pain I went into survival mode, I didn't know I could be hurt that way, it was like someone was threatening my very existence and what could I do but protect and fight for myself?
Sometimes it takes a long time to cross the street but we have to otherwise we will never get to the other side.

19

Je ne sais pas.

it is frank sinatra

As I was listening to good ol' blue eyes yesterday I began to think about life and love (HUGE surprise I know). Night and Day was the song that particularly made me ponder. I want someone to love me like that almost obsessively can't get me out of their mind wanting to make me happy wanting to love me entirely(please note that I don't want this in a creepy stalkerish way). Doesn't everyone deserve a love so passionate? Love mr through my flaws through my imperfections through my crazy Italian emotions through my insecurities and into my old age and wrinkles. And I promise to love whomever it may be the same. No perfect man for me I want a lovely mess who will counteract my mess so that we can be one complete mess of happiness and love.
As Frank would say;
"I've got you under my skin.
Ive got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me."



-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

18

It is life ergo it's messy.

it is a gorilla

So here I am walking around the Omaha Zoo. It's fantastic. Oh course as I pass the Silver Back Gorilla I start thinking of him and start to cry. Why was it that I was so sure he cared about me that he liked me was it all a lie? And then I start thinking I need to talk to him. But what am I going to say? What can I say. What do I want out of the conversation? I want him but A) he doesn't want me and B) why do I want somebody who doesn't want me. This then goes back to the whole Freddy complex as discussed in a previous blog. Of course she ends up deciding that it is better to be with someone who loves you than to be with someone you love but doesn't love you. But is that right? Shouldn't it go both ways? Does it?


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is house

I have watched 6 seasons of House MD in the past three weeks. Yes that's right, I have spent over 140 hours with Dr. House and his crew since Aug 15th. I picked up a season instead of chocolate ice cream, a coping mechanism I picked up years ago (which is why those of you who have been to my house surely have noticed the massive pile of DVDs). I discovered that when I am stressed and cannot deal with a situation movies and TV tend to help me process a whole heck of a lot better than sweets. And another plus is they don't tend to add pounds to my waist :-).
As I was saying, I picked up a season of House MD to help me process my broken heart. And one season led to two and then three by the time I finished the third season I decided that when I finished the 6th I would have clarity and be able to start functioning in the real world and not be lost in my head anymore. So here is a blog to tell you, if you care to read it, what I learned while watching 6 seasons of House MD.

*Friends are wonderful. Ari and Jen were trading shifts watching the saga unfold and as things would come up and prompt me to talk they were there for me. Thank you.

*It is never sarcoidosis no matter how much the symptoms point to it, or no matter how much you want it to be it never is sarcoidosis.

*Forgiveness is often hard to come by.

* Love is really what matters at the end of the day. Without it we will be incredibly lost and alone. And no matter how hard it is for us to show love we must.

*Contrary to House's belief God is very important to us wee mortals.

*This life we lead is not a test.

*I am more like House than I originally thought, I may not be a great puzzler or a genius however if there is a question I must find the answer a little obsessively actually.

When the season finale for season 6 played across my TV at 1230 last night I laid in bed and cried and prayed for about an hour. Following the emotional outbusrt I fell into a fitful night's sleep full of dreams and wishes of things that would never be. I woke in tears wondering if it was worth getting out of bed, wondering if people really would care if there was no coffee for them this morning. And then my dog stood on my stomach and wagged her tail to be let outside, so I got up. I got to work and I realized I was actually happy not joyous down to my core, not the same happy I had felt the past 5 months but I was able to enjoy the customers coming in, the old men with there same terrible jokes the cyclists on their pit-stop, I was actually enjoying the busyness that was around me. I was actually smiling a real smile for the first time in weeks, I actually felt OK. I am not expecting this to be the cure to my heartache, I am quite sure tonight will be very hard to fall asleep in the silence that engulfs me. I am quite sure I will dream and possibly awake in tears again. But I am quite confident I will get better, eventually. Three days ago I wasn't quite sure, I went outside and watched a storm blow past from my patio, a friend drove past and saw me outside and stopped to say hello she was in the neighborhood for a random reason and when she saw me she felt it pressed on her heart to come talk, she let me cry and she talked me through some pain. When she left I felt not quite as alone, I know its silly I've had friends around me constantly supporting me and helping me as I try to wrap my head around the rejection I've been feeling and this massive sense of loss. But I've felt alone, I felt that God has actually quit trying to reach me that all that He had said the past few months I had misinterpreted, that I was being a typical silly human and read into signs what I wanted to. I was rethinking my faith, maybe thats the wrong way to put it, I was rethinking how I believed. I here I was on my sofa a friend just happened to come by in one of my darkest hours, maybe God still does care.

17

'The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. "

-A. Einstein