I have been trying to write this post for weeks, maybe now it's actually been months, the words struggle to present themselves. Too many thoughts, not enough articulation and at the bottom of it all I truly dont know know the answer.
I recently moved to the middle or nowhere western America. It's supposed to be hot and dry, which I am sure it eventually will be, however it's been chilly and overcast most of my first weeks in the desert. I came here for adventure. To free my heart from the prison I have been keeping it in. Like all good adventures it is not what it is expected to be.
I have done this once before in my life and I put so many expectations and demands on it I failed to live. I learned and grew a lot in my time at the beach. But I failed at peace, enchantment and magic. I moved to the ocean to break out of a mental rut. I had thought by moving I would find everything I had ever wanted, a husband, a farm, an amazing beach tan body, inner peace, and a light that would glow from my insides and bring everyone around me happiness like a freaking Saint. Instead I found a couple heart aches, a condo (which I loved), I was tan but not swimsuit model pretty, some stress, and I was no saint. Three years have passed since I up and moved to SC and looking back I can see that it was my expectations that stunted my trip. I did however, learn to be assertive, learn more about people and places. However the best gift it gave me was a summer with my grandparents. I would not change that for millions and I am so happy I had that time with them. Seeing love in a 60+ year marriage through cancer and heartache is a beautiful testament to my family and the human race.
So here I am again, moving across the country to heal a broken heart. I am trying desperately to learn from my past mistakes. I am putting as few expectations on this adventure as possible. I have things I would like to accomplish while I am here. But I am accepting the fact they might not happen. The only thing I am requiring of myslef is that I will say yes to each adventure presented to me.
The big question though is why? Why did I sell or toss most of my belongings? Why did I quit my job pack my car and move without a safety net? Without a plan? Without a job? Without a house to come to? The simplest answer I have is, because I had too.
As I have said before I am attempting to heal from a heat break this summer. And it's not just one. Last year I was dumped three times. The first was sad because I enjoyed his company so much, it was nice not to be lonely, to have someone enjoyable around at any given moment. The second was sad because I had great hopes for our future. We wanted the same dream and I thought we would work together to get it. The third however was devestating. Not only did we have the same dreams, I enjoyed him and I loved his heart.
When I was sitting a week later at my usual spot with my usual people one of my friends in finding out I was again single said, "you just get bored with these guys don't you?" This actually was a huge breakthrough for me, so thank you Heather. This whole time each of these guys dumped me I felt like I was due for the dumping. Like I had failed somehow or another, I wasn't something, not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, I was somehow lacking in my person so that it was impossible to for me to be loved. And no matter how many times my family or friends would comfort me and tell me it just wasn't the right guy, time or what have you I still felt like I was lacking and at the end of the day it was my fault they left me. And Heather, beautifully and simply told me unknowingly that I was. In that question she said that for sure these guys wouldn't be choosing to leave me, her friend whom she loves. That surely I was the independent strong woman she saw me as and I was moving on because these men where not enough for me. They weren't enough for me? I not once in all the times friends and family would comfort me, not once did I consider they were not enough for me. That I was too great for them. And it's not because they are not great people. They just might not be my great.
The trick is that even though she said it, and it struck my heart, resonated in my mind, I don't feel like that woman my family and friends see me as. And suddenly sitting in that place the words of friends and exes for years hit me in a different way. And I went back through loves and losses and kept going back to the first love I had. The first love that sent me on a path or searching and self discovery I realized in learning and growing and searching I had in fact lost my fun.
There is a song on country radio, "That don't sound like you" by Lee Brice. I was listening to this song driving to or from work and I started to cry. Because that happy, bold, brave, adventurous girl had been replaced by a shadow of herself. Years of letting people into my heart had created so many scars and dark spots that I didn't recognize myself. And if my first love had seen me that day he wouldn't have seen the spark in my eye that he had been so attracted to. And my heart cried out for saving for healing but most of all for freedom.
I watched a Ted Talk by Shonda Rhimes where she talks about losing her "hum" and in losing it she discovered what her true hum is. As I was absorbing her words I thought about how I used to feel. I used to feel like a tornado, at any time I could muster up the strength inside me to be such a powerful wind nothing could knock me down or blow me over. I wasn't a bad or destructive tornado mind you it was just that inside I felt like such a strong force I felt as powerful as a tornado. And when I was busy as work or life I felt like I was a sun and all my projects, tables, people, jobs where orbiting around my head in perfect harmony so that I could accomplish so much more that the person next to me. I haven't felt that in years. In fact the last time I felt so powerful was when I was dating the bartender. That was 5 years ago. And the last time I felt like a sun was in SC. That was 3 years ago.
So when I say in my simplest answer that I needed to come to UT it is just that. I don't know if I will find my strength. I don't know if I will find my fun. I don't know if I will find my happy. But I am giving myself permission to look for it. I am giving my heart permission to be free from heart break, free from worry. I am givjng myslef permission to be at peace with myslef. And most of all I am telling myself that I am enough. That I may not be perfect but that I am enough. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of peace.