Today was the first day I was alone since I've moved to Utah. So I decided on my adventure a few days ago did proper research and set out to accomplish a childhood dream, to see wild horses and burros actually in the wild :-). The closest herd to me is a burro herd in the San Rafael Swell. I drove rocky roads for three hours and had just about given up when I saw them. Three, out of a herd of 50. A momma her baby and a friend grazing against a stormy sky. When I saw them I surprised myself with tears. I was so happy! When I was a child I had read all the Marguerite Henry books. One of my favorite being "Brighty of the Grabd Canyon" about a little burro who lived in the canyon. I was over the moon to see these little burros today! I walked carefully out into the field getting as close as they'd let me which was about 500 feet and snapped photos to my hearts delight. I thanked the burros and left the park with the biggest smile in my heart.
The second time I cried I was hiking up Goblin valley to a cave called "The Goblin's Lair". I am not afraid of much, but I do have an irrational fear of dying in a cave. So as I climbed what looked like a rockslide to climb back down the rockslide into the cave to turn around and do the whole thing again, I cried. This time in fear of my life. My brain kept telling my feet not to move towards my certain doom. But I pushed and pushed and made it up and down and in and out. I will need to go back a few times this summer to truly overcome this fear but I made a good start. As I was climbing by myself I realized how alone I was in that moment. No other hikers, no friends or family around it was me and my fear. But I did it, all by myself like a big girl :-).
The third time I cried was because I had forgotten my heart was broken. I explored the first valley after my cave climb and was in awe of these sculptures. The most remarkable thing was the fact that though they were hard as rock you could peel layers of sand away from them. It was the most fascinating thing I had seen or felt. And at the end of my day when I reached for my phone to tell that someone about this magical place I had found myself in I remembered that I couldn't and that brought the heartache. But I stopped and smiled and remembered something a fellow instagrammer had shared about seeing the creativity in nature. And so I did and then I laughed at the childlike cartoon characters that surrounded me. And the tears dried up and the joy took hold and I took a deep breath of the present happiness.
I am far from perfect, far from whole, far from breaking through the chains that have been holding me back. But today I found my brave each and every step of the way. With a little luck and a lot of hard work I may just find myself again. :-)
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