it is the end hence it is the beginning

Today is the 4th to last day for me before I embark on my little adventure and leave my little shop, for a bit anyways. I realized as I told a customer to report back on their upcoming trip to Disney World that I would never get to know that story. Who here would know that she went, I wouldn't get to hear stories, see photos enjoy in her trip to the happiest place on earth. 'I should tell one of the Baristas to make sure they ask,' I thought. Then my next thought was as follows, 'This is why I have to leave I feel responsible for these people. I need to make sure that they feel remembered, respected, wanted, this is why I have to leave, I have to remember that my happiness is important as well, that I count, I matter, I am wanted by if no one else myself.

When I got into this little shop I told myself 5 years, we celebrated our 5th Anniversary the beginning of this month. And what a 5 years they have been! I think back on who I was when. I was a shy shy shy little 22 year old who knew very little of the world. I knew nothing about coffee, and had not a single idea on how to run a business. I was often flustered, I was often confused. My mother and I working side by side was so hard for both of us, trying to find a balance between mother & daughter / employee & boss. The first actual employees outside of the family, the training, the payroll, the taxes, the insurance, the ordering, the inventory, the firing, all of these things feeling my way through blindly.

This little shop has been so wonderfully good on so many levels. I learned who I was, I feel like I might have a slightly better grip on the world, as least I am not afraid of it anymore. The people that have come through this, my little corner of the world, have changed and shaped me. I have been graced with friends, true honest to goodness friends who love me and who I have no doubt will continue to do so until I die. I have learned (am still learning) what it is to love, I have learned (am still learning) what it is to lose, I have found a voice, my voice, and I am not afraid of it. I have found how much I can take, and I found what it is to break. I found happiness and sadness, well I could continue but I'm thinking you get the general idea. I am both stronger and meeker since the doors opened on that auspicious March day in 2006.

On one hand I am very excited, I get to go discover myself in a different way, here is a newer version of me advancing into the great unknown. Before I was so naive but now I have knowledge to back up my leaps (I leap quickly and with quite some length). On the other hand I have this sense of failure. I feel like I am being weak, a pansy, a loser. I feel like I am just running away taking the easy way out. I know what I am doing is the right thing to do. Why is it that so often the right thing is the hard thing? I know that I need a break, I know that I need to care for myself, I know that it is actually better for the shop for me to be gone. But there is still that little voice, see, you knew you would fail why would you succeed? who are you anyways? Donald Trump? that rings in my head as I go to bed. I would like to say to that evil little voice DONALD TRUMP HAD TO START SOMEWHERE DIDN'T HE!?!?!? Not that I have any desire to be Mr Trump but I hope you catch my drift. :-)

At the end of the movie Eat Pray Love (I know you must all think I am obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert at this point but I promise out of all the things in the world I am obsessed with she is not one. However I do greatly admire her work) there is a line that says something like "if you view each person in your life as a teacher" I love that idea. Looking back on all my choices good and bad and all the people I have met along the way, those who have helped me those who have hurt me many of them are in (or not in my life anymore) because of this shop.

For all that these past 5 years have brought me I am grateful, yes in the end I am very grateful. I am scared and excited about the next phase. I will miss many people terribly during my absence. I will not miss others :-). I will find joy and happiness in my day again, I will remember how to breath, I will be stronger and better for this new chapter. I am sure there will be tears (I'm Italian I can't help but be emotional :-)), I am sure there will be laughter, I am sure I will both win and lose battles. But through it all I will have friends, love, and strength around me.

Wish me luck!