It is dying alone

Late night TV for a single girl mainly consists of Sex and the City. This particular episode playing this evening (morning) Miranda buys an apartment and the fear of dying alone strikes home. The particular plot combined with a couple drinks of Sambuca has me thinking seriously about my life as a single woman. I remember one night I was quite ill and my roommate at the time, KM (now KZ :-)) took the time to worry about me and make sure I made it home ok. Waking in the morning and knowing that someone had been there to care about me and if I hadn't gotten home someone would've known. I remember one night I was talking to Adam on the phone outside my house I was pacing the street and told him jokingly to call the cops if someone stole me. He told me he'd be at my house faster than the cops to catch anyone who dared touch me. Again the knowledge that someone knew where I was and what I was doing and who would care for me, protect me brought comfort to my heart. I know my mother is reading this and thinking like any good mama bear would "tell me what you ate doing and where you are and if anyone dares harm you or if you have anything wrong your father and I will be there to help protect and serve". Truth is I am lucky enough to have parents who do think and operate like that.
Even though it is wonderful to have parents like mine typically parents die before their children or if we didn't live close by to each other.
~~~~~~ fell asleep~~~~~~~
I'm still unsure whether or not I will ever meet anyone who can put up with me long enough to decide they can put up with me forever. (I'm beginning to think that my ideas of love are a consistent deterrent to others and I can't decide if I'm the one who is wrong or if they are.) All that aside I don't want to die alone. Why? There is a song "you are nobody til somebody loves you" this I believe goes back to the human desire to be known. We long to be remembered maybe it has to do with our mortality and how we are always striving to be immortal. If someone loves you forever you become immortal to them etc etc. But I have people who will love me forever and I will love them forever. So why don't I want to be old and alone? Is it possibly just loneliness? You could say that however again unless all my friends and family die before I do (god forbid) I won't be lonely. Third possibility; economic sense. At the rate I am living my life now and at the rate of inflation as a single woman I will never be able to retire. Ok yes this would make life more convenient, two incomes and hopefully he will be better with finances than me. That's not a reason for me to search or long for someone. I could make life choices and changes and work hard and retire I'm sure. So what is my deal? Why do I want someone? I should state at this point that this issue was not an issue a few years ago. I honestly didn't care or maybe I just figured it would inevitably happen so why worry about it. Now? I don't know why maybe it's the fact I'm pushing 30 and realize it's time to be an adult. I don't know. There is still not anything in me who craves a family of my own. I already have a house and I get my female nesting desire out of the way. Hanging out in the day care at work fills my baby need well really over-fills my baby time desire. I really don't want kids of my own, however I should say that when I was madly in love with Adam I wanted kids because he wanted kids so I wanted to give him everything he wanted because I loved him. Honestly I think I'd. Be happy wither way kids or no kids. I lost my train of thought....oh right. But there is a desire in me to share life with someone. I was reading E Gilbert's book committed and she asked all her unmarried friends by they wanted to be married. One of there friends stated she had a strong desire to be chosen. Yes the is definitely that. And I feel like I have a lot of love to give and I long to give that love to someone who in turn can give me love.

Maybe that is it! Maybe I want to complete my love circle. Since my life has turned into a pursuit of love and happiness the ultimate statement of that love would be to love someone who loves me, unforgettably, uninhibitedly, unendingly.

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