As I was sitting on the patio drinking wine with parents, aunt and uncle and some coworkers I was filled with lots of advice on how to deter future heartbreak. Be mysterious, don't be so soft, you're too open, too trusting etc. I'm always too something. Too intimidating, too bold, too adventurous, too open, I love and accept too easily. If you look back over the list of things I am in fact too much of I don't think any of those things are bad. I don't know why this short lived romance ended. I probably never will. On paper it looked perfect, we wanted the same thing. Shared the same beliefs. Had both been hurt so (or rather he said because he didn't follow through) we didn't want to play dating games and be wishy washy. We both wanted the same future, house farm kids horse cows etc. I felt safe around him. When I looked in his eyes I trusted them. When he held my hand my heart beat slowed. No I wasn't in love with him but he was one I could see myself loving. Why he stopped talking to me and has successfully left mylife I don't know. I don't know which "too" I was to turn him away. All I know is that my heart hurts, that my mind aches and today my pillow is wet with tears cried during my sleep. Maybe I am too soft, too trusting and too open. But the other side of that coin is to be too hard, too jaded and too hateful. And that for sure I don't ever want to be.
I don't wish this man harm or ill will or pain in his future I wish him good things and that he finds his answer to whatever it is that he truly desires. It's just that today I am sad. And will probably be sad tomorrow. And I wish he hadn't lied or asked me to trust him so that I wouldn't feel too stupid today.
2 comments:
Total fluke I stumbled upon this in the wee hours of the morning, my favorite time to read, ponder, write, research. Or maybe just one of those "God things" dropped me here. Perhaps if I were tipping my hat in the direction of those who teach Buddhist practices it was just "Karma".
Whatever it was Bec, and because of your continued courageous journey of introspection and willingness to disrobe it all on the front porch without flinch nor blush, I feel like my resignation that none of my specie were still alive on this planet was premature. BTW, have you heard when they are scheduled to beam us up and return us to our home planet, and, do we get any kind of compensation for being dropped on the wrong planet ??
Was -he- *in*love with you? Did he say? Or was he on your "could love him/her forever" page too (the verb version rather than the butterfly stomach *in*love version)
Do you recall how many (if any) *traditionally* male tasks you asked him to do, just for you? Fix a tire? Dig a trench? Change the oil? Kill a scorpian? Distract your mom on the patio so you could finish her wine? etc etc
There seems to be absolutely no thirst for self-exploration and introspection out there...let alone the confident self-acceptance to share it openly.
That makes you my new hero!! (((YOU)))
@beginnersmind I miss you! I just saw this comment. I miss our talks and your soul! It was so nice to read this tonight. Warmed my heart. :-)
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