It is too

Whenever I get dumped, which is sadly often and most recently last night, everyone has their idea of what went wrong. Always the good friends and family say it is never my fault(which of course sometimes it is). And most simply the answer is it wasn't meant to be(which is always a horrid pill to swallow). However this last guy that traipsed through my heart will definitely leave his mark in my future. 

As I was sitting on the patio drinking wine with parents, aunt and uncle and some coworkers I was filled with lots of advice on how to deter future heartbreak. Be mysterious, don't be so soft, you're too open, too trusting etc. I'm always too something. Too intimidating, too bold, too adventurous, too open, I love and accept too easily. If you look back over the list of things I am in fact too much of I don't think any of those things are bad. I don't know why this short lived romance ended. I probably never will. On paper it looked perfect, we wanted the same thing. Shared the same beliefs. Had both been hurt so (or rather he said because he didn't follow through) we didn't want to play dating games and be wishy washy. We both wanted the same future, house farm kids horse cows etc. I felt safe around him. When I looked in his eyes I trusted them. When he held my hand my heart beat slowed. No I wasn't in love with him but he was one I could see myself loving. Why he stopped talking to me and has successfully left mylife I don't know. I don't know which "too" I was to turn him away. All I know is that my heart hurts, that my mind aches and today my pillow is wet with tears cried during my sleep. Maybe I am too soft, too trusting and too open. But the other side of that coin is to be too hard, too jaded and too hateful. And that for sure I don't ever want to be. 

I don't wish this man harm or ill will or pain in his future I wish him good things and that he finds his answer to whatever it is that he truly desires. It's just that today I am sad. And will probably be sad tomorrow. And I wish he hadn't lied or asked me to trust him so that I wouldn't feel too stupid today. 

it is parenthood

My parents celebrated their 35th anniversary last week. They have stuck through their marriage when a lot of people would have called it quits. They have evolved, grown and fought to stay together and they are stronger for it. They love deeper and have become better people because of each other. I know I have not always been the best daughter. I have said and done things that I should not have. But they have always stuck by me and always lived me, I'm eternally grateful for that. My parents have taught me many things but two things have been brought to the for front this week. 1) always have grace for others 2) if you have and another has not, share. 

At work one of our new guys made a pizza for one of the managers to take home to her family. It came out looking like a flying saucer, oblong oversized and super thin. I said it's ok it's for an employee. She then rolled her eyes and said "my dad is going to hate that" now the pizza is going to taste pretty much the same so what's the big deal. We have to suffer through paying customers complaints all day can't you have a little grace for the new guy and your free pizza? A few days ago my parents and aunt and uncle came to visit me at my other job and I was sat 5 minutes before they walked in with a party of 35. My manger who happens to be one of my best friends helped my parents more than I was able to and they were gracious through the whole meal. Since my section was full they had to be sat at someone else's table so they made sure to leave him a tip for stealing his table. Kindness and grace. Beautiful. 

Today a friend of mine has fallen in to a horrible spot and is homeless for a couple weeks. So my parents only having met this girl for 5 minutes when she helped me move are opening their home to her and her two babies for as long as she needs to get on her feet. Giving and compassion. Beautiful. 

I know my parents are not perfect and I know they will continue to not be perfect. But they have the most incredible hearts and beautiful souls. I hope I am at least half the human they are. 

Love you Mom and Dad!

5k #14

HILLS! Oh my goodness so many hills downtown KC! 41:01 

Nakima

Today my puppy left me. 

When I was little I wanted a dog. Yes we had the family pets, little Scruffy the Shitzhu and Prince the oversized white German Shepherd, but I wanted my own dog. My homeward bound chance, the dog that would love me unconditionally and would be just mine. I wanted the dog that was fully devoted to me and went everywhere with me.

Late June/ early July 2000 I found Nakima. A floppy haired small blonde puppy chasing the horses in the pasture, I believe to this day she thought she was going to catch and eat the big draft horse for dinner quite a feat for a 20lb 5month old mutt. She was the sweetest and quietest dog I had ever met. Sat next to and leaned into me for affection and stayed by my side the rest of the day. We brought her home and Mom, Annie and I convinced Dad to let us keep the sweetest dog ever. A few good meals later, she was climbing fences, eating frogs, and causing general havoc. But every time she ran away she came home. And for all her hyperactivity she was equally sweet. Curling up next to me every night. Protecting my room from unwelcomed anything after I fell asleep and being a pillow for many a nap. She was never the dog I could take to the stable, she always got into fights with Stitch, or tried to kill the chickens or just run off into the fields. She was often over protective of me towards unknown dogs, so trips to petsmart where limited and dog parks were out of the question. But she had other loveable qualities, she could climb trees, kill anything she set her mind to (squirrels, birds, frogs, mice and once a muscrat), loved to snuggle, and tolerated all my crazy with a patient love that wouldn't quit. 

When we moved to te beach it was like giving an old dog new youth. She loved taking walks and sniffing interesting shells as dead jellyfish. She also was a firm believer that every toddler who came to the shore actually came to pet her and would make it her job to get in the middle of any activity to be sure she was the center of the child's affection.  

The one thing that never changed was that she was happy to see me. If I had been gone a day, a few hours, a week she would see me and she knew me. She might not know where she was anymore, or what was going on around her, but she always knew me. She was the best dog I could've asked for and I loved having her in my life. I know that her body doesn't hurt anymore and that she is resting eternally but it's still sad. I will miss her for a long time. She was a good dog and beautiful to the end. 

it is the smallest good in the greatest bad

Even the people who turn uo to be an awful fit in your life can leave a positive note. 

Lord, help me to always remember to look for the good in all my memories and all the people who come into my life. 

it is goodness

It is very important that we make a conscious effort to fill ourselves up with goodness. So whether it be, new trail hiking, horseback riding, deep sea fishing, good friend sharing, red wine pouring, new adventure seeking, rock wall climbing, under water exploring, car seat dancing, new baby laughing, child playing, loud voice singing, good book reading, relax and sunbathing, whiskey glass toasting, sandy beach sitting, pool time swimming, dog walking or deep breath meditating we have our goodness tank filled. Because that way when things go bad, and they most probably will, we will have our reserves of happy moments and good feelings and that will help us get through the mess we may find ourselves in.

 

                       My Goodness

it is color and light

If anyone takes 5 minutes and runs through some of my posts you'll notice my blogs are about searching for oneself. I envy the people who know who they are. They get comfortable easily, find their career quickly, select a mate who fits nicely into their life. That, in a nutshell, is not me. I am the ever searching. I do hope to find at least a couple answers as I move through life. Hopefully enough to satisfy my spirit so I can set root. Anyhow...

Tonight I was watching TV and a few commercials stuck out to me.

 Ad 1) Attempts to remind us how we are all one and we are all connected and somehow the same.

 Ad 2) Asks the question what does color feel like, begging us to be immersed in the pictures displayed on our screens.

 Ad 3) Challenging us to take a firm hand on our steering wheel and really drive the car, implying our lives.

I want to feel connected to the world around me. I want to be imersed in the colors of the world, drink in the light of the sun and the stars, plunge into humanity and build connections and grow love. 

As we live in this age of technology often we find more connection, color, light and, although it be superficial, love on a screen. If the commercials from this evening tell me anything it is that we have lost tangibility. We see the buzz feed videos begging us to unplug and the medical review articles about brain waves and techno multi-tasking. In this vast world we have managed to shrink travel time and space all with the promise of being more connected but what we have done is actually lost true friendships. True loves, true family. 

A couple of weeks ago I wanted to play some board games and invited some friends over. What surprised me was the number of people who wanted to sit and talk and drink and play my 1980's version of trivial pursuit. I remember as a kid having family game night, reading books aloud and never being plugged in to anything other than each other. 

I challenged myself this year to build connections. To make the effort to stay in people's lives who matter to me. It's my greatest flaw. I have so many amazing people in my life and I often lose track of them. It's always my own fault. I'm too busy, is always my excuse. But I'm too busy doing what? Watching TV surfing the web and getting sucked into Facebook. I know why. It's easy. It's easy to not make the effort. It's far less scary to talk to someone on-line than it is to make a real connection. But at the end of the day I feel lonely. Because in fact I am alone. I have done an excellent job of whittling people out of my life. I have cut much of the world out of my life. When I lived on the beach my days off were spent people watching, soaking in the sun and listening to the waves. All last year I don't think I spent a single day outside unplugged and just absorbing. That's sad and wrong. 

So in addition to my challenge to make efforts into keeping relationships alive I am going to challenge myself to unplug from technology and plug into the universe. If I spend an hour watching TV I have to spend an hour doing yoga, meditating, walking, reading, playing with a dog. Hopefully, eventually I will start building the connections with the world that I want to, and need to have. So that the next time someone asks what does color feel like I will know, green feels like the rustle in the trees, blue feels like freedom and yellow the heart and warmth that keeps us alive. 

5k #13

Beat Beethoven's 5th 5k. Ft Collins, CO. First 5k at altitude - exhausting! 40:33

 

5k #12

Whiskey Run 5K Happy St. Patty's!

39:45 

5k #11

Sweetheart Run Valentines Day 2015

40:04

5k #10

Battle of the Bean 1/17/15

41:42 I hate running in the cold!! Lol

it is the follies of our youth.

The journey of our lives is not scripted, we are apt to fall flat on our faces at any given moment, we sorrowfully hurt ourselves and others, we often find ourselves clueless to our next step and sometimes find our choice of footing unstable. I have often thought about the saying "it is in the journey not the destination". I understand the concept but it often seems so far and foreign to me as I am actually on the journey constantly seeking the destination. So today I am choosing to focus on the little moments that will make the destination so much sweeter once I reach that end. If last years focus was to discover who I am and what makes me me this years focus will be to be present in my new found self. 

I pray for the patience to allow myself to breathe, the wisdom to allow myself to learn, the grace to allow forgiveness of my faults, the imagination to grow a better world, and the presence to enjoy each moment as it happens.