it is late and I've had a hot buttered rum

(Please be forewarned as the title suggests I am under the influence of a most delicious spiced wintery beverage (which this is the first time I have ever drunk such a drink and it must go on my list of firsts for the year, don't let me forget) hence this blog will most assuredly ramble)


I've been thinking for days on how to write my return blog. I feel like it has been a year since I have poured my messy mind out onto cyberspace and the coming back seems a bit awkward and unfamiliar. The first thing I thought of while compiling this tome was the very interesting if not ironic way I share this blog. The majority of you lovely readers are my family and close friends. However I rarely tell people about it. In fact when I told my love, the bartender, about it somewhere in the middle of our short lived romance I actually thought he would stop wanting to see me. Which of course he laughed at but to my knowledge never once did he read this mess of my mind. None of my new co-workers know where to find this blog. In fact very few know it exists. And I especially never tell any of the men I have dated of late, even the ones that stuck around for a longer that usual time(which for me is like over three weeks lol). I seem to be totally willing to post crazy emotions for the world to have access to but heaven forbid people I know would dare read this. (Besides of course the afore mentioned friends and family :-)).

The other day I received an email from a customer/friend of mine. I cried (thanks Bry S. :-)). I haven't figured out how to reply (hence the delay but it will come). So much of what is eating at my soul now has to do with the incredible level of failure that I feel regarding the entire deterioration of that year. As I have said in a previous blog I am grateful for the learning experience but it still is painful on different levels. The email reminded me that it might not have all been a failure which of course is why I cried because the failing I can deal with the letting people down (which I know you didn't say, no one has, but it's how I feel) that I can't come to grips with.

Another issueI've been wrestling in my head is Christmas. Firstly I miss my store most at Christmas. I miss the delicious warm special drinks and the people and the little tree and the lights and the music. I miss shoveling snow off the patio at 5am. I miss closing and turning off all the lights except the twinkle lights and listening to carols when the shop was empty and sparkling. But the other thing about Christmas is, is it is the most lonely time of the year. I was driving home tonight and one of my favorite Christmas songs, All I Want For Christmas Is You, came on the radio. I love that song. I know I have mentioned it in at least one blog if not more. But here's a secret...Adam. (And I know all of you let out a collective, please can we talk about someone else?) It's just that song for years has been me wishing and hoping that he would be mine, that's all. Yes obviously I was listening to that song long before he came around, but once he did, he was all I wanted. Christmas time can be very lonely for a lot of people. No family, no friends, no special someone. Yes on the grand scheme of it I'm OK being alone. But gosh at Christmas don't you just want to snuggle up with someone? Watch old Christmas movies? Drink hot chocolate on the first snow? Get drunk on eggnog while you are putting up the Christmas tree? I dated a guy for a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving last year. He turned out to be quite the arrogant SOB (he told me I had too much neck hair. Didn't realize I had a beard...anyone else? lol. He did later apologize but I declined his offer to get back together) so that ended but he had the same plight. Towards the beginning of the relationship he hoped that we would stay together through Christmas so he could have someone to share those things with. Maybe it's the cinema hype that makes us want to be a couple not a single around the holidays. Maybe it's the start of a new year that makes that desire strong. But whatever it is I sure am lonely and I want someone to want me this Christmas. Realizing of course it's three days til the big red man drops off his gifts and that is not going to happen but it would be nice if someone I wanted, wanted me.
Which brings me to my last topic of the rambling night....Casablanca. Sometimes I sure do feel like Humphrey Bogart.

I love you all! And if you made it all the way to the end of this rabbit trail you are an amazing person! :-) I hope Christmas brings each and every one of you what your heart truly desires and I hope you know what it is so that you can realize the gift you have been given.

I of course would like a Hippopotamus for Christmas! :-)



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