it is sight

I've been going through a rough patch, well that's an understatement I've been ping through the hardest time I've ever had in my short simple existence. I'm not sure why it's been so hard actually. Pain seems to be just under the surface of my being at every moment. Partly it is due to heartache. The rest of my bleak outlook is due to regular life stress, money, work, bills etc. Somehow regular life stress is so much harder when you are suffering through loneliness. Anyways onto the point of this blog....
I'll sum up really quickly what happened over the summer. I started working at a local restaurant in May in July I started falling in love with one o the bartenders and in September he or was it really I broke my heart. The first time he kissed me he told me he had wanted to kiss me from the first moment he saw me. He told me for the first few months he kept trying to get me to look at him and I never saw him. And he was right. Of course I literally saw him but I didn't SEE him. I remember the moment I did actually see him he quoted a line from a song and I said the next line he looked up at me and I saw him. I saw straight into his eyes past the surface and into his depth. Which of course scared me because the last time I saw someone like that was of course Adam and we know how that turned out. So for the next month I talked to the bartender and really grew to like the bartender but I kept my walls up quite high. Until one night a server told me the bartender was crazy about me and then we went out for waffles at one AM. This however was not the kiss moment that came a month later on my birthday weekend which by the way was the best present I ever could have dreamed for.
Of course the end of this story is all too common it ended in my heart getting broken followed by several not so proud moments. Anyways moving on with this blog.
I would like to reference my favorite fantasy novelist Ursula LeGuinn in her series the wizard of earth sea she talks about how a persons true name is where they hold their true self and in knowing a persons true name gave you control over that person. Now let's take a line from Shakespeare "journey's end in lovers meeting" Now (as I am proving myself as human as the rest of us I am interpreting something to fit my needs) knowing a persons true self does in fact give you power over that person buy here's the catch when you get to know someone truly it is impossible to not let your own walls down and let them know you too. And when shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting" how else do you know besides seeing that person. My point to LeGuinn is this once you see someone, once you know someone, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is impossible not to SEE them even when you wish you didn't and there is still a part of them that sees you. Isn't that part of the deal when you let someone get close to you, they have the ability to hurt you more than anyone else in the world just like you can in turn hurt them. I guess that's the risk. And the point that LeGuinn makes that we should guard our hearts and only let select few into them so that our soft caring organ gets as few bumps bruises and breaks along the way.
Well for the moment this heart has lost the point of the blog and is going to tuck her tired little self into fluffy chocolate colored blankets and rest for as long as she possibly can.


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