it's been a long while

I have been trying to hash out this blog for weeks and with no luck. So here is a very possibly failed attempt but I need to get it out of my head.

February has been an interesting month. I'm not sure how to explain all that I have gone through this month. I finally feel like I have walked away happily from Adam. The final straw was place on the camel's back and it broke me, crumpled me. But when I got up there was no weight on me at all, not a shred. It was quite relieving actually.

I joined a chat site because I was bored. I met some entertaining people, I was proposed to twice, asked to take my shirt off countless times, asked to fly to wherever to have sex with whomever. I wasn't bored anymore, saying no to countless suitors does boost the ego and provide a laugh :-). There are a lot of interesting people in the world. Three weeks of this entertainment proved to be enough and I left the site. Before I did however I met a really nice guy. I hope his life turns out wonderfully. He deserves it.

I'm exceptionally tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people. Yesterday two customers had a 30 minute conversation about the end of the world, what foods should you plant, how should it be distributed yadayadayada this is an almost daily occurrence. The other day some friends and I drove through the caves at Park University it was then stated that when the apocalypse comes this is where one of my friends is planning on living and that some of his friends were already stockpiling food to feed the city for up to two years. This whole town lives for the end. I have been told countless times my numerous people that they are just tired of waiting and that they pray Jesus would come back today, this week, this month, soon, so that they can be together in perfect harmony. The friends of mine who have made this statement swear it is not suicidal, I think they have lost it. Why not live life? Why not enjoy the short time we have here? Why are they living for the end? This whole community of "Christians" are living a life focused on death, not the life that God has given them and I am tired of hearing about it. "Did you see the lights over Jerusalem? It means the end is coming!" "Did you hear what so&so prophet said on such&such website? It means the end is near!" "Did you hear about the potential solar storm? It means the end is near!" Did you see the grass is green?? It means the end is near!" I am so tired of hearing about death and destruction. I feel that they are missing out on incredible gifts God has given them in this life because they are focused on the hereafter.

I am well aware that location does not make one happy, nor better. However I feel stagnant where I am in now. I need a change, which is a lot coming from a person who generally avoids change and has freak outs when plans lurch in a different direction, but I think it is time.

My mother asked me a few weeks ago what my goals were in life, the conclusion was made I was goal-less. Which is true. I don't really see this as a bad thing, it is just where I am at in my life. I am aware that this lack of direction may be causing some of my anxiety of late however I don't see the point of having a goal that is determined by someone else's life seeing as I have no control over that at all.

I am amazed at the number of people who have never fallen in love. Even married ones, even people who are married to each other. I am not saying that these people do not love each other in their marriage, they do. But they never felt that dizzy, head over heels, crazy, out of their mind, passionate, life won't be the same without you feeling. For all that we are taught growing up with all the princess stories and songs and movies, and books few people I know ever actually fell in love, and if they did they very rarely married that person. My whole world regarding love, and lets face it my world has a lot to do with love, has been shaken. I don't know what I actually think on the subject. I would like to say all those people who fell in love with someone else, had their heart broken and then married the next comparable mate is a fool, but seeing as I have no actual experience regarding this and I am human therefore prone to err I would have to say I may be wrong. I would like to say to all those people that married because it was the next logical step, or who married because "God" told them to they are freaking morons, but because I have no experience in this situation and because, as I stated before, I am human I must say I may be wrong.

I feel that the more I learn about life the less I know about it. Wasn't it Galileo who said the more he learned about the universe the more confident he was that there was a god? Because in all it's vastness we more mortals could not even hope to comprehend? I think he is right, about God and the mere mortals statement. We are so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of the whole universe, made up of gazillions of stars, billions of galaxies, trillions of planets and millions of life forms. And yet we are able to gather so much beauty in our short little lives.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about what we wanted or rather needed to be happy. I know I have said this often, but I don't want to be the biggest fish in the biggest pond. I just want to be a happy fish in my little pond. Do I need a million dollar mansion and hundreds of acres with dozens of horses all out on parade all the time? An Adonis for a husband and perfect beautiful children? No. No I do not need that, nor do I want that. I want my horses in my back yard and a man who loves me who has actually fallen in love with me and I with him (I am well aware that this might be a terribly silly hopeless romantic idea but I am going to hold to it for now until proven otherwise), maybe kids I am constantly going back and forth on this sometimes yes sometimes no more often yes lately (Mom I guess you were right), I'm not afraid of hard work I'll help the household as needed, I am not afraid of hard times I'll go to hell and back if needed. But that is really it. Just a little slice of happiness in my pond wherever that pond may end up being.