I feel that I am a total queen b* I feel that I am mean and rude and short tempered and I never thought that way about myself. I thought I was nice I thought people liked me that I was easy enough to get along with but now I must not be. My family keeps telling me that I am wrong that I am not an evil dictator that I am a nice person. But I keep doubting them thinking that abused people never notice they are abused until it becomes too much for them to handle so maybe they are so used to my bad attitude that they just don't see it.
-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!
Friday, September 4, 2009
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4 comments:
We don't really know each other, so my response is strictly generated by reading your blog posts.
Get over it.
I say that bluntly but *positively*, I promise.
You're tense, you're stressed, you're burnt-out and burnt-up, and you've got some unresolved angst. But the ONLY thing that appears remotely bitchy in what you've shared here and there is your reference to:
"But I keep doubting them thinking that abused people never notice they are abused until it becomes too much for them to handle so maybe they are so used to my bad attitude that they just don't see it. "
That's bull. That's selfish thinking on your part. That's an attempt to isolate yourself with arrogance. Want to not be bratty? Then don't allow yourself to assume that you've managed to become so wretched that you've manipulated everyone who knows you the best. Have you hurt them? You're human, so I'm assuming the answer is yes. They're human too, so it's safe to assume that they've hurt you. Do not blindly assume that your Royal Witchiness is all-powerful. This is a mental trap into which you're holding yourself.
Our reactions to our thoughts are choices. When you notice that sort of selfish arrogance then recognize it for what it is: a symptom of your heart-and-mind-ache. Aches like that can only be healed by turning it over to God... first in one big toss with the recognition that you're inherently insufficient and need Christ, and then in little ways over, and over, and over again as you grow in His grace. I'm not good at this.
However: there's a passage that breaks me up whenever I'm filled with tension, rage, self-loathing, despair, and fear.
"I will be to Israel like a refreshing dew from heaven. It [Israel, and us] will blossom like the lily; it will send roots deep into the soil like the cedars in Lebanon. Its branches will spread out like those of beautiful olive trees, as fragrant as the cedar forests of Lebanon." -- Hosea 14:5
This is God's promise of restoration. This is the sort of revival that can't be contained by services held in country tents on boiling summer evenings. He offered this promise to Israel (and us) after pointing out how utterly depraved, wretched, disobedient, and abusive they (and we) had become. God responds to people's willful destruction on earth with the continued promise of restoration on demand.
We can't do that sort of restoration on our own. You're hitting breaking points. You will continue to break. You can't fix this yourself. You aren't even supposed to try. This is a God thing; the work here - the healing, the restoration, the revival - that's His. Turn it over.
and when you're feeling broken, darling, and your friends tell you that they love you... then give them the respect of belief. God's going to be working on you in a variety of ways as He restores you, and they're part of the process. They're a part of that 'refreshing dew'.
(and for the record? I've never heard a single bad thing. I've only heard mention that you're hurting and that the people around you want to love you back to happiness. and you'll get there.)
dude, that totally sounded less harsh in my head last night.
I'm pretty much experiencing similar feelings these days, which likely accounts for the degree of my bluntness. Sorry. In my head it was much more encouraging, and less weird that I commented even though we don't know each other. :)
Thanks for the tough love lorien I needed it ;-) u r right and I appreciate your bluntness. My head was off sonewhere last night too I totally got way inside myself and you help pull me back into the real world more than the you such a sweet person how could anyone think that about you. I guess that was kindof my point too people are always telling me I'm so great and I know I'm not perfect so I think I just lost my center. You know how when you focus on a flaw it gets so big in your head and I think that everytime I would say something short to someone I would magnify it in my brain and dwell on it until I thought that was all I was doing. But really and truly thanks I didn't take offense :-)
not much more to say than what you two have :) You're both right. and wise. and it's good to see it being worked out here. b/c it's what we all go through from time to time. and why we all need each other. and Him.
center. right. where is center? it is deep within your heart. It is the space filled by the One who created you. Feeling out of balance? pull deep inside not to you,but to Him. then you will be centered. and balanced. and on His path that He intends for you once more. and you will begin again to see with His eyes, hear with His ears for yourself and for others, you will begin again to let Him work through your hands and guide your feet. Center. A perfect place to find rest each day. A perfect place where He can do the work from within. And we will know the balm of His healing and His restoration.
oh, man. I hope this makes sense. I'm tired. I know what I want to say and what I really mean, just not sure this tired brain is getting thru to these tired hands on this little keyboard:) love you. very much.just the way you are :)
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