it is polite propriety

You could classify me as a "good girl" a "nice girl" or any other sweet adjective. Working in customer service I am nice, sweet or good to many people in a day. In my past friendships I have been on the giver, or better put the used one in the relationships. As I was watching Brothers and Sisters Sunday night the end one of the Characters puts aside what she wants to be doing in order to be polite to another and I couldn't help but seeing my present and past in this act. How many times a day to I talk to someone a little longer than I wanted to let someone use my cell phone when I don't necessarily want them too. Much of this is my job, and I understand that and its fine. But I do still struggle with getting a person to stop talking and when I finally do get them to stop I feel like a total heel. Once I was actually just short with a salesperson who came in to sell me credit card processing. Once he left my mother reprimanded me for being rude, it made me feel worse than I had already. The point I am trying to make is that well I just don't know how to be in control, in charge, direct, assertive without feeling or apparently coming across a total B*. And unfortunately many times the the act of the smiling face always caring even though someone has had the same problems for the 3 years of them coming in here and dumping on me, breaks down while I'm among my family and friends and I take the pent up angst on them in shortness, arguments etc. I feel horrid when this eruption occurs because it's not their fault I've been burying my emotions all day. I hope someday I'll be able to put into practice that in my future the most important person is me and I have to do what is best for me, no matter how selfish I feel, sometimes I have to look out for number one. And hopefully when I have mastered this my family and friends will suffer less, the last people I want to hurt.