it is sight

I've been going through a rough patch, well that's an understatement I've been ping through the hardest time I've ever had in my short simple existence. I'm not sure why it's been so hard actually. Pain seems to be just under the surface of my being at every moment. Partly it is due to heartache. The rest of my bleak outlook is due to regular life stress, money, work, bills etc. Somehow regular life stress is so much harder when you are suffering through loneliness. Anyways onto the point of this blog....
I'll sum up really quickly what happened over the summer. I started working at a local restaurant in May in July I started falling in love with one o the bartenders and in September he or was it really I broke my heart. The first time he kissed me he told me he had wanted to kiss me from the first moment he saw me. He told me for the first few months he kept trying to get me to look at him and I never saw him. And he was right. Of course I literally saw him but I didn't SEE him. I remember the moment I did actually see him he quoted a line from a song and I said the next line he looked up at me and I saw him. I saw straight into his eyes past the surface and into his depth. Which of course scared me because the last time I saw someone like that was of course Adam and we know how that turned out. So for the next month I talked to the bartender and really grew to like the bartender but I kept my walls up quite high. Until one night a server told me the bartender was crazy about me and then we went out for waffles at one AM. This however was not the kiss moment that came a month later on my birthday weekend which by the way was the best present I ever could have dreamed for.
Of course the end of this story is all too common it ended in my heart getting broken followed by several not so proud moments. Anyways moving on with this blog.
I would like to reference my favorite fantasy novelist Ursula LeGuinn in her series the wizard of earth sea she talks about how a persons true name is where they hold their true self and in knowing a persons true name gave you control over that person. Now let's take a line from Shakespeare "journey's end in lovers meeting" Now (as I am proving myself as human as the rest of us I am interpreting something to fit my needs) knowing a persons true self does in fact give you power over that person buy here's the catch when you get to know someone truly it is impossible to not let your own walls down and let them know you too. And when shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting" how else do you know besides seeing that person. My point to LeGuinn is this once you see someone, once you know someone, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is impossible not to SEE them even when you wish you didn't and there is still a part of them that sees you. Isn't that part of the deal when you let someone get close to you, they have the ability to hurt you more than anyone else in the world just like you can in turn hurt them. I guess that's the risk. And the point that LeGuinn makes that we should guard our hearts and only let select few into them so that our soft caring organ gets as few bumps bruises and breaks along the way.
Well for the moment this heart has lost the point of the blog and is going to tuck her tired little self into fluffy chocolate colored blankets and rest for as long as she possibly can.


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it is shakespeare

To quote Irving Berlin "The theatre, the theatre, what has happened to the theatre?" Tonight I am visiting my sister and brother in Atlanta, GA and to begin my whirl-wind trip we went to see some Shakespeare. As I was sitting there enjoying the whit of The Merchant of Venice I was struck by several things. Firstly I'm grateful my parents raised me reading Geoffrey of Mounmoth, Homer, the King James Bible and the like so that Elizabethan tongue is not so hard for me to adapt to. Secondly I remembered why I did not pursue theater. And thirdly we really haven't changed much over the centuries. The play was riddled with issues that we still see today, racism, fidelity, loneliness, business investments, high interest rate loans, religion, horrible bosses, rebellion, love, alcoholism, catty women and the like. Shakespeare being the genius that he was tapped into the classic problems that have plagued man since the beginning of time. I witnessed last night; a conversation held by Hitler stating that Christian blood is holier than Jewish blood, a court case sentencing a man for attempted murder, the unwanted attentions of suitors that the woman feigned to protest but secretly loved the adoration, the wasted attempt to tell people that love is a right that is earned not a reward that is given, and a scene from the "Real Housewives" series as the women attempted to trick their men into infidelity.
Yes, yes Shakespeare was quite the genius. And it's good to know the world doesn't really ever change, just the language does.

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it is a new year

(quick note - I do have a Christmas blog that will be posted at a later date)
Well Happy New Year everyone!!! I spent the evening carting my very drunk boss around KC. Needless to say it was an interesting evening but all has turned out well and she is now safely tucked in her own bed. This morning I stopped at one of the millions of local Panera's to grab a quick lunch before I head off to work at the gym. I am in the "upper" class region of the suburbs and am surrounded by a bunch of stuffed shirts. There is a table of 4 socialite want-to-be retired people. They seem to be getting their kicks out of talking about when it is proper to use salted butter versus non-salted butter. Talking about all the things that "common" people do that they are incapable of doing because it is either unsanitary or improper. One such "commoner" activity is public transport. This woman couldn't go 1 block before her husband, dashing to her rescue, figures out a way to remove the window pane to allow fresh air to aid his poor wife. He seemed quite proud of himself for destroying public property. They also are getting quite a rise out of talking about people who are dumber than they. My favorite comment however has to be "Oh she is dumb, but I quite enjoy her company" Which was followed by a chorus of "me too".
Oh well it might be a new year but it's good to know that the world hasn't changed. It is still full of arrogant imbeciles who think they know all the answers to life's questions.

Happy New Year! May it be better than the last and may you stick to all your resolutions! Mine this year is to stop procrastinating. As a friend of mine pointed out..."So you waited until new years to begin?" yes yes I know I am an arrogant imbecile as well, at least I'm not alone in the world. :-)


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