it is a quick catch up

Where oh where to begin? Well, I have a job, make that two. AWESOME! So the girl who was burned out from working too many hours in her little shop is booking just about as many hours between these two jobs, and the best part is that they are entirely on your feet on the go the whole time. So basically I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am happy. At job Gym I am surrounded by skinny women and buff men. I am the chunkiest person that works there – nothing like a little peer pressure to behave on my eating habits.  At job Restaurant I am surrounded by….everybody. There are so many personalities crammed into that small kitchen space it is fascinating. I do love both jobs. And both jobs are stretching me mentally and physically. After working 16 hours yesterday getting 4 hours of sleep then heading off for 8 more hours by the time I got home today I honestly thought I might collapse and not make it into tomorrow. So what did I do, mowed the lawn.
As always I think while mowing. Thinking is such a dangerous past-time of mine. This past week+ I have been doing a lot of thinking about my choice to leave the little shop and go back into the real world. So much of my final decision had to do with heart break. In my exhaustion my heartbreak is very close to the surface as pain always is when we are tired. It seems to take more energy to stay positive. Anyways as I was mowing the lawn, wishing I wasn’t single and hence wasn’t mowing the lawn I remembered working at the restaurant last night. Walking back into the kitchen area to get ice the kitchen staff was laughing at me, I of coursed challenged their enjoyment in whatever I happened to be doing that they found so amusing, I was met with the response, “Oh you are just so beautiful”. Silly boys. I was then asked later that night if my decent was from Spain, my answer that I was Italian was met with disappointment. Silly, silly boys. There is another co-worker of mine there who I consistently find staring at me, quite certain he is smitten. Then I saw my neighbor who made very week overtures towards me last fall. At the gym there is a client who has made it quite clear he wishes to date me, I mean hey he broke up with his girlfriend/fiancé two days ago. All these thoughts were rumbling through my head as I was pushing my lawn mower back and forth, back and forth. And here is the conclusion I came to, if I wanted to I could be dating any number of men, and I am not. What does this say about me? I might be heartbroken but I still have my standards.
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OK so it’s been a few days . Think I fell asleep in the middle of the previous attempt. .
Well. It’s been a good week. Second week of my new life. I’m happy. Very happy. I haven’t been this happy since Adam and I were speaking. Yes when I wake up in the morning I feel loss, though this morning was the first I didn’t in about a month and a half. Improvement, yeah? I feel like I am starting to fit in a little. I hope it is not in my head, would stink if my perception was imaginary. I am glad I have the job at the restaurant, the gym I feel like the fattest person there, and at the restaurant I’m everybody’s sweet pea and sexy with my hair down. When going through a mental crisis fluffing is always a nice thing to have around. At both places I have discovered that I am one of a kind. N at the gym is super friendly and I adore her. However she’s a jock. She plays basketball and went to school for exercise theory or whathaveyou. I used the word harried yesterday and was met with a blank stare by all. Hairy? Hurried? Harried did not even think about computing. Now please do not misunderstand me, these people are not stupid, they are very smart, very good at what they do they just haven’t read the books I have, they aren’t interested in the world the same way I am. I asked one personal trainer who has a very unique last name where it’s origin was and he said he had never thought to look. Like I said – whole different group of personalities. At the restaurant I would have to say I would run in to very similar circumstances. Again these people are not dumb, just I am finding I am very unique in both crowds. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the positives of the past 6 months. Then stretching back to the wonderful changes in my life the past year. And lets pull it even farther – say the past 5 years.
Have you ever sat down and made a 5 year plan. You know, I’d like to be here by this date etc? I have found that most of the 5 year plans I have read involve weight loss and job title and financial status etc. But lets take a look back on each of our own 5 years. What did they really bring you? Maybe you did get job advancement, maybe you lost that weight, maybe you became a millionaire. But is that what really matters? Honestly what I would like to remember is finding my voice, finding my wings and flying like a sparrow singing my arrival wherever I go. Learning about ourselves that is really what we take with us each and every day, every moment. I am so happy I can converse with just about anyone. It is a skill I am very grateful to have learned especially seeing as my current professions would involve talking to everyone. .
I guess what I am trying to say is….all the hardship, the sleepless nights, the tears, the complete exhaustion, the complete and total heartbreak, the anxiety, the stress, the pain, the sore feet…they are all worth it because it has given me…strength, knowledge, passion, love, friends, and most of all freedom to be myself and know who that is.
So as I embark on yet another chapter of my ever growing book of life, I feel good, happy, excited and totally exhausted.
Wish me luck!