i fell in love

in this little adventure of discovering myself i fell in love. he's a great guy, but he doesn't love me. so after i bashed my head into the wall a few times i came to this realization and decided to end the emotional drama that is has created in the past 5 months. that being said the dream i used to have as a child where i would fly off the top of the roller coaster and crash to my death amongst a crowd of tourists, yeah it feels pretty much like that.

i have been watching a lot of House MD lately its good therapy for me to engulf myself in some sort of fictional drama to keep my mind off of me (addiction is a coping mechanism and comes in many forms). Unfortunately for me House reminds me of, well lets call him Adam. No he is not rude just to be rude, no he is not an ass on a general occasion, and no he is not a Dr. However he does want to live his life out singly and solitarily alone. Even if he says he doesn't.

This morning I was catching up on TV thanks to HULU and as I was watching Lie To Me I realized that in every TV show I love to watch there is an arrogant SOB who happens to be brilliant (Adam is that as well by the way, brilliant not arrogant) who i happen to find attraction to, their characters are the reason i watch these shows. In Scrubs I loved JD but I watched it for Dr. Cox. Criminal Minds, I have a massive soft spot for Hotchner. The other thing all of these characters have in common is that they are lone wolves. The funny thing about it is that they all need people, we all do, but they are so desperately afraid of admitting it that they are constantly keeping people at arms length. And so like Foster, Cuddy, Wilson, Zoe, JD, Cameron, Carla, and so on and so forth I opened up my heart and it was not reciprocated. So what did I do? I tried again and again more vulnerable, more open, more honest, more truthful, more caring, more forgiving and again rejection.

There is a song by Mumford and Sons (White Blank Page) that goes something like this; You did not think before you pushed me to the brink, You wanted my attention but denied my affection, tell me where it was my fault for loving you with my whole heart. I so thought it was right, I wanted to grow old with him, I wanted to have a life, a happy and full wonderful life. The sad part is I think we could have. He fit into every aspect of my life, he's everything I ever wanted in a man, he made me feel safe and happy, so happy, i could trust him, he never judged me, he made all of my insecurities go away, I was brave around him. I felt beautiful and strong in the weakest of ways.

It's been 4 days, 4 long terrible days. Not sleeping, not eating, a lot of crying a lot of thinking and no communication. I know that if he wanted me he would want to fight for me. I want him to fight for me I want him to call me and say lets talk about it. But he won't because he doesn't want me. That is what hurts the most, that someone i love and care for so deeply, someone that i want to be in my life doesn't want to be in mine. Of course the fact that he hasn't call that he isn't fighting for me is proof that I made the right choice, he very possibly would have drug it on for months or years and then where would I be? But the silly part is I still want him, I want him to call to get mad at me to yell at me to apologize to me to just see how I am doing, SOMETHING! I want him in my life! If he was to ask right now I wouldn't be able to tell him no. I know I would need things to be different but I would still want to give it another try. The last line of the song says; But lead me to the truth and I will follow you for my whole life. It's true, I would.