it is the greeks

There is an ancient Greek theory that when the human race was created we were comprised of two heads, four legs and four arms. The gods grew tired of us living in happy bliss of completion and split us sending our other halves out into the world sending us on an eternal search for the rest of ourselves. This is how the Greeks explained the eternal longing we have to find true love.

The other day at the gym a couple of the old gym hounds asked me if I was still working my two jobs. I told them I was. Their response was, Any man would be a lucky man to be with you. Why are you single? I laughed and told them I was too busy. They shook their heads and said that I really should take time when the right guy comes along. I promised them I would. But there hangs that question - will the right guy ever come around?

One of the guys at the restaurant was talking to me about my single-dom (it seems wherever I go my singleness is an issue for people) he told me that I could have any guy in the place if I wanted him. That I was "one cool chic and any of the guys here would love to date me." My question to him was - so why aren't they.

I read Steve Harvey's book - Love like a Woman, Think like a Man. His basic theory was that women don't identify the way on which men love them. That we still need to love like a woman "because a woman's love hold no bounds and there is nothing else like it on earth" but that we need to identify what is going through a man's head. That they need us to identify what they are doing that actually is them showing their love - provision, ownership etc. And he said that we need to know what men are looking from us - independence and support. (Please do note that this is a summation and there was a lot more detail in the book.) He also explained to women who felt like they were just used by men why they were. His analogy was a keeper vs. catch and release. Upon reading this book I texted a guy friend of mine and told him I discovered I am the perfect woman, I'm not a slut, I am confident, I expect independence in a relationship, I am an independent person myself, I demand commitment from from men if they are not willing to have some level of it at least the level I am putting forth I'm out and I support and encourage without nagging and on top of it all I rarely judge. His reply was "yes you are which is what keeps men from actually dating you but always wanting to because they know once they are in a relationship with you they know that would be it and men are often afraid." You know the old ball and chain, the last days of their lives being wolves or wild mustangs or whatever the hell analogy that a man sees himself as in his single-dom.

Adam once told me I didn't make him feel needed (as discussed in many previous blogs no falser words have ever been spoken, well I mean the me not needing someone part I still believe to this day he was just blind to my weaknesses because he was so wrapped up in his own). Yesterday morning when I woke up my feet were moving on their own, my calf muscle were spasming so badly that my feet were actually alternating between flexing and pointing all on there own with out the assistance of any brain activity. As I was laying in bed thinking about my best move and debating whether or not I could actually walk to the bathroom to get the supplies I needed to fix my current conundrum I thought to myself "and that pansy ass rat bastard thought I was so independent I would never need him." I then cried all the way to the bathroom in pain to get my first aid muscle supplies (thank god my house is small and it was a very short painful walk).

I have to head to work and I am afraid I have no nice wrap up paragraph or phrase to tell you. It's just one of those days.

it is a lot of work to be nice all the time

Oh I had a great blog in my head last night and I have completely forgotten it. Woe to early onset short term memory loss. /-(

As my saga at the gym continues I am learning again how important to keep good friends close. A new manager has encroached upon this little kingdom. I'm sure she is a nice person but from what I am gathering so far - she is not here to make any friends. As she came in yesterday on her first day she did not ask, how was your weekend, how are you etc etc. She proceeded to tell everyone to do something menial and that she is not in charge of. Including other managing staff how to do their job. Basically, I am tired of being the friendly one here all the time. I mean seriously???? When my club manager walked in yesterday morning the first words out if his mouth were- when was the last time towels were pulled. Again, not good morning, it's nice to see you etc etc. He is a nice guy I know he doesn't mean to be rude. But seriously??? Why is it that I am the one who always has to be the courteous one? Why can't someone ask me how my day is for a change? Sigh. I guess the whole point is I had worn just about everyone down. Now I have yet another challenge and I think this one will be a doozie.


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it is human density

What is with the universe? I seriously think I have the worst timing of just about anybody. For crying out loud can't fate give me a break? Sigh. I know I probably just need to take a break and breathe for 5 seconds and it will all be figured out. But still SO frustrating!
To add insult to frustration today at the gym Bear and I went out for some delicious spin pizza. As we were enjoying our slices we had a couple left over slices so I offered them to one of the PT's, who I thought was a less arrogant one, boy was I wrong. After a lecture about how I should work out more if I want to ear like that I looked at him and said "you know what i don't care how you think I look I like myself stop being an ass hole". I realized driving home that I think this is the first time in my life I have ever called someone an ass hole and meant it. I'm concerned. His response was "how come I became an ass hole for talking about your food?" DENSE!!! Bear wonderful misunderstood guy that he is gave me a hug and said the PT had no right to say that to me. People people people.


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It is people

I feel like I have certainly titled more than one post this title but what else can I say?

I'm sitting here on my short break from 24 thinking about all the people I have met within the past month or so. INCREDIBLE! I have met a dozen personal trainers with a Narcissus complex, lesbians, gays, happily married, un-happily married, happily divorced and un-happily so. I have met single parents, new parents, parent to be. I have met young people well very few older people to tell you the truth. I have met happy managers, unsatisfied managers, people who misunderstand themselves and people who are misunderstood by others. And here is what I have learned so far about the human race- each and every one of us feel the same. Of course we ate not all feeling the same way at the same time but we all share the common bond of emotion. We all get hurt, we all love, we all long to be loved, we all are scared, we all can be brave.

For the purpose of this blog i am going to focus on two guys I have met. Boy 1) bear, boy 2) Texas. Bear is terribly misunderstood by people. I've heard nothing but what a jerk this guy is since I arrived at this job. I would like to tell everyone a) he is not an b) GROW UP! I would like to point out that they are actually the jerks. The other day as I was standing listening to two psycho girls go on and on about why Bear is such a jerk and why blah blah blah I wanted to smack both of them and tell them that high school was over and as both of them are approaching their 24th birthdays it was time to start acting like an adult and MOVE ON. And learn not to gossip about random incidents that happened over a year ago and have NOTHING to do with the present time. Ugh, why do people have to be so hateful so immature and just downright mean? Bear and I get along just fine. He's not an ass hrs made mistakes but he's actually just a big Teddy Bear who despite his façade of a tough outer shell he is a sweet kind hearted soul.
Texas is my only real friend here at the gym. I adore him for the fact that he is the only one of the dozen or so trainers here who didn't judge me at first sight. We've bonded over Tom and Jerry cartoons and good conversation. I am so grateful he works there with me. Not sure honestly I could deal with all the narcissism with out at least one friend. Besides being sweet, kind, handsome, cute southern drawl, fantastic blue eyes, great sense of humor, intelligence and a plethora of other positive qualities I am not attracted to him. This I cannot figure out, mainly because I do adore him. But there is not an inkling of attraction there for me. Huh. It's making me wonder what actually causes attraction. Something to ponder.


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it is two halves that make a whole

One thing I've learned the past week or so is to take breaths, deep deep ones.

At the restaurant on Friday night they did the schedule all funky and left me by myself on the patio during happy hour. I have to say I am incredibly grateful there is more than one manager there. And usually more than one manager is there at a time on busy nights (ie Friday nights). So while I was serving 8 tables 2 manger asked if she needed to help me with anything. And the other said "aren't you capable of handling 8 tables?" To add enjoyment to my day by the time I got home at 1245am I had worked from 6am Friday morning sans 1 hour of driving. So that all adds up to what....17hours of actual work? Oh yeah and those 17 hours were spent on my feet. Driving home I thanked God for giving me tough feet. :-)
At the gym there are 4 count them 4 other employees who say hello to me first. I know this is stupid but honestly I've been there a month now and when you come in to work in the morning can't you say hello? Why do I have to be the one who says "Hey so&so good morning how are you how was your weekend etc etc" I'd say 20% of the time I don't get a hello back. I've resorted to passive aggressiveness. When one trainer- who I actually do get along with did not greet me back I "Oh my weekend was awesome thanks for asking" as he walked away. Which resulted in a smile a laugh and help with the towels later. I'm still trying to fit in. Kinda pisses me off a bit that the two new girls are loved by all. This is purely because they are short, cute, athletic little things. Both of whom I really like by the way. And they seem to get along with me just fine. But still when they are asked by everyone in the place how there day if they need help etc etc it can be frustrating and a little, well basically it pisses me off. I guess I feel like a fish attempting to fly.
On the flip side at the restaurant I feel like my personality meshes a little better. Co-workers get my jokes and the clients generally like me. In fact I have been invited to join activities outside of work. I'm again grateful I have two jobs. Stressful as it was to start two on the same day I feel like it was the best thing to do. If I was only at the gym I would end up hating my physicality and my self-esteem would have suffered while if I was only at the restaurant I wouldn't be making enough cash to survive. So again I might be exhausted, sometimes pissy but generally happy with my latest adventures.


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it is a quick catch up

Where oh where to begin? Well, I have a job, make that two. AWESOME! So the girl who was burned out from working too many hours in her little shop is booking just about as many hours between these two jobs, and the best part is that they are entirely on your feet on the go the whole time. So basically I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am happy. At job Gym I am surrounded by skinny women and buff men. I am the chunkiest person that works there – nothing like a little peer pressure to behave on my eating habits.  At job Restaurant I am surrounded by….everybody. There are so many personalities crammed into that small kitchen space it is fascinating. I do love both jobs. And both jobs are stretching me mentally and physically. After working 16 hours yesterday getting 4 hours of sleep then heading off for 8 more hours by the time I got home today I honestly thought I might collapse and not make it into tomorrow. So what did I do, mowed the lawn.
As always I think while mowing. Thinking is such a dangerous past-time of mine. This past week+ I have been doing a lot of thinking about my choice to leave the little shop and go back into the real world. So much of my final decision had to do with heart break. In my exhaustion my heartbreak is very close to the surface as pain always is when we are tired. It seems to take more energy to stay positive. Anyways as I was mowing the lawn, wishing I wasn’t single and hence wasn’t mowing the lawn I remembered working at the restaurant last night. Walking back into the kitchen area to get ice the kitchen staff was laughing at me, I of coursed challenged their enjoyment in whatever I happened to be doing that they found so amusing, I was met with the response, “Oh you are just so beautiful”. Silly boys. I was then asked later that night if my decent was from Spain, my answer that I was Italian was met with disappointment. Silly, silly boys. There is another co-worker of mine there who I consistently find staring at me, quite certain he is smitten. Then I saw my neighbor who made very week overtures towards me last fall. At the gym there is a client who has made it quite clear he wishes to date me, I mean hey he broke up with his girlfriend/fiancé two days ago. All these thoughts were rumbling through my head as I was pushing my lawn mower back and forth, back and forth. And here is the conclusion I came to, if I wanted to I could be dating any number of men, and I am not. What does this say about me? I might be heartbroken but I still have my standards.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
OK so it’s been a few days . Think I fell asleep in the middle of the previous attempt. .
Well. It’s been a good week. Second week of my new life. I’m happy. Very happy. I haven’t been this happy since Adam and I were speaking. Yes when I wake up in the morning I feel loss, though this morning was the first I didn’t in about a month and a half. Improvement, yeah? I feel like I am starting to fit in a little. I hope it is not in my head, would stink if my perception was imaginary. I am glad I have the job at the restaurant, the gym I feel like the fattest person there, and at the restaurant I’m everybody’s sweet pea and sexy with my hair down. When going through a mental crisis fluffing is always a nice thing to have around. At both places I have discovered that I am one of a kind. N at the gym is super friendly and I adore her. However she’s a jock. She plays basketball and went to school for exercise theory or whathaveyou. I used the word harried yesterday and was met with a blank stare by all. Hairy? Hurried? Harried did not even think about computing. Now please do not misunderstand me, these people are not stupid, they are very smart, very good at what they do they just haven’t read the books I have, they aren’t interested in the world the same way I am. I asked one personal trainer who has a very unique last name where it’s origin was and he said he had never thought to look. Like I said – whole different group of personalities. At the restaurant I would have to say I would run in to very similar circumstances. Again these people are not dumb, just I am finding I am very unique in both crowds. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the positives of the past 6 months. Then stretching back to the wonderful changes in my life the past year. And lets pull it even farther – say the past 5 years.
Have you ever sat down and made a 5 year plan. You know, I’d like to be here by this date etc? I have found that most of the 5 year plans I have read involve weight loss and job title and financial status etc. But lets take a look back on each of our own 5 years. What did they really bring you? Maybe you did get job advancement, maybe you lost that weight, maybe you became a millionaire. But is that what really matters? Honestly what I would like to remember is finding my voice, finding my wings and flying like a sparrow singing my arrival wherever I go. Learning about ourselves that is really what we take with us each and every day, every moment. I am so happy I can converse with just about anyone. It is a skill I am very grateful to have learned especially seeing as my current professions would involve talking to everyone. .
I guess what I am trying to say is….all the hardship, the sleepless nights, the tears, the complete exhaustion, the complete and total heartbreak, the anxiety, the stress, the pain, the sore feet…they are all worth it because it has given me…strength, knowledge, passion, love, friends, and most of all freedom to be myself and know who that is.
So as I embark on yet another chapter of my ever growing book of life, I feel good, happy, excited and totally exhausted.
Wish me luck!

it is exhausting

So.....anybody have the magic potion to heal a broken heart? If so can you clue me in? I'm tired of myself being sappy and lonely.

it is eliminating an if

It has been a long time since I posted. I'm actually working on an exceptionally long post that I am having issues forming. Anyways, it will be posted in time. But for now....

I was catching up on "Castle", one of my favorites. The ending line in this particular episode was something to the effect of not letting a what if rule your life. Basically this was said so that maybe Beckett and Castle would finally get over their issues and admit their love for each other.

Of course we all take things personally, but I was thinking about that auspicious day I contacted Adam. I didn't want to live with that "what if" any more. And even though it ended in heartache, and even though I still feel the relationship was never given a fair shot I am so glad I didn't let that what if haunt any longer.

it is the old revisited

Today while I was mowing the lawn my mind wandered, which it often does while performing just about any task, but as I was mowing under the apple tree I remembered a conversation Adam and I had. He had decided, in a moment, that he wanted to help me with my yard work and so as I was dressed for an afternoon party in my skirt and heels I followed him along picking up the branches he trimmed. When we got to the apple tree he asked which branches I wanted off. I told him none, even the low hanging ones had to stay. You see when you stand underneath the tree it creates a canopy of green and red and in my mind is one of the most enchanting places on earth. He said to me "You know you should put a bench under here, it is very intimate." We discussed where the best spot for said bench would be. He said "I kinda like it right here its quiet and secluded you feel all alone here. What do you think?" I responded with something to the effect "it will be you sitting on the bench with me so if you like it I like it." He used to get this look, you know the look when you are thinking about something happy that hasn't happened yet, you're imagining something good, pleasant etc. Anyways then he just said "Huh" If you don't know Adam you wouldn't understand the huh, but he packed a lot of info into a huh. Anyways I was then thinking about Adam and how we never would get to sit on that bench, which of course made me sad. To remind myself of why he and I shouldn't have ever worked out I thought about all the things that he did that pissed me off, namely not reading this blog. In his defense he read it once, he read the post about Freddy, he said it hit too close to home and didn't want to read anymore. In truth that particular post had nothing to do with Adam. It was actually something I had been thinking about for some time and had just found the words to express my thought and so I wrote it out. (If you want to read that post click here) Anyways I found myself thinking about said post and about Freddy. You see in the movie My Fair Lady he ends up alone, but in the play he ends up with Eliza. It seems that even the writers couldn't decide whether it is better to love or to be loved.

Now I was thinking about this dilemma, to be loved or to love and comparing it to myself. I'm still admittedly in love with Adam, I know we probably shouldn't be together, that we just keep hurting each other and that neither one of us are apparently willing or able to be what the other needs or wants, I get that. But I am still in love with him. Then we have Jimmy, sweet guy from CA. He texted me today asked if we could be friends even if we couldn't be together. Said a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't wondered how I've been. He is crazy about me, he doesn't really know me at all, but he's crazy about me. If this was My Fair Lady we have all the characters. Henry would of course be Adam, I would be Eliza and of course Jimmy would be Freddy. Could I be Eliza of the film and be with Henry who doesn't love me but wants me in his life? No. I can't really. I would be miserable. Nor could I be Eliza of the play and go and be with Freddy, it's not fair to him... and I would end up miserable.

I guess I should be glad life isn't the movies, or a play :-)