it is movement

It is time to move. I sit here stagnant. I am holding onto dreams that never will come true. Loves that never will be fulfilled and hopes that are better off dead. The last couple of years my world has turned upside down inside out and I have found myself swimming in a dark sea. I have a life-preserver, my family and friends keeping me afloat. But it is time to swim. It is time to find ground to stand on. It is time to let go of people that are holding me back. It is time to stop waiting on others so that I can live my life.
But my problem is...I don't know what life I am supposed to be living.


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it is my birthday

While my mother was heading out the door she said "she might be gray but she still has her brains" lol thanks mom :-).
Today is my 29th birthday. One year from thirty. So what am I doing today to celebrate? Well I drove with my windows down on a beautiful cool morning. Went to my favorite Italian market and got some fresh sausage and tomatoes to make lasagna for my close friends and family tonight. Baked cookies. Drank some beer. Painted my toes. Watched some old RomCom's. But today above all the birthday wishes given to me from my friends and family has kept me smiling all day. It is good to feel loved. I'm happy I was born. I am happy that my life is the crazy mess that it is. I am happy I know love and know that I can love.


Other things going on today......

Dictionary.com's work of the day is compeer which means close friend or comrade.

The US Olympic Team has 27 gold medals at the London 2012 games.

Neal Armstrong was born.

Marilyn Monroe died.

The cornerstone for the statue of liberty was laid.

Not a bad day :-)


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Drinks Vol 2

For this summer refreshment I modified a recipe I found in Yoga Journal.
Put all ingredients in your blender in the following order;
1 cup ice
1/2 of a cantaloupe
6 fresh mint leaves
1 cup coconut water
4 drops rose oil
2 pinches of nutmeg
1 dash of sea salt

Blend on low until smooth and enjoy!



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it is simple

if we must reap what we sow let us sow seeds of a sweet and tasty fruit.

it is a bit of pink happy

After a fun holiday going back to work a double just really didn't seem like my idea of a cheerful day. While I was running errands between jobs I changed out of my dress shoes into a favorite pair of flip flops. When I looked down I smiled, there were my flashy pink toes shining back at me in the summer sun :-) And that my friends silly and tiny as it was made the second half of my day seem a lot less dreary.



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Drinks Vol 1

My recipe to shake off the rainy blues:

Sunshine
Family
Fruity beverage
Smoky grilled food
Colby Calait

Sit back relax and enjoy.




Sangria Recipe

1Bottle of Sauv Blanc
1 liter of Blood Orange Soda (found mine at World Market)
1/2 liter of Club Soda
Muddle fresh blueberries and raspberries

Combine all ingredients in pitcher and stir
Garnish glasses with your favorite fruit and enjoy!

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my bodyguard

Thursday, April 12 at 215pm my bodyguard left this earth. There is an old saying that great horses are knights reincarnated and if there ever was a great horse he was one. For those of you who haven't experienced a relationship with a horse you will have no idea what I am talking about so the best way I can describe it to you is this, he challenged me, loved me, fought with me, played with me, bled for me, worked for me, gave his entire heart for me, and I did the same. We were in all definitions partners. 8 years ago he was diagnosed with COPD and with monitoring it was under control, two weeks ago the disease started taking its toll and steriods, antibiotics and antihystamines did no good. On our walk in from the pasture to get his daily med dose he had a seizure and died with his head in my hand he took his last breath. He had been my horse for 14 years, a member of my family and my friend.

I wrote the following poem years ago while grooming him late one night after a summer workout. It was and is the sum of all that he means to me.

Oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Who in a daisied meadow,

Was born of strength and grace.

Oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Whose eyes are full of wonder,

Whose beating steps shake earth

Resembling the sound of thunder,.

And oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

Whose eyes are full of wisdom,

~Whose face is full of grace.

Amazing it is to me,

That a beast so strong and true,

Would choose to be my confidante,

My guardian pure and true.

And oh my ancient steed,

Of ancient time and place,

When the lightning leaves your footsteps,

And the wind won't kiss your face,

Know this my ancient steed,

When you must leave this place;

My heart will be your home,

Where I carry memories of your face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was an amazing beast and he will be missed by many. I love you Bodyguard.

it is a diamond

I was talking with one of the guys at work the other day. We were talking about the many sides of a person that makes them who they are. This afternoon while I was window shopping with a friend at Anthropolgie I was thinking about the many aspects of myself. Here was a girl who a few hours a go was wearing a polo serving food making people laugh, tomorrow morning I would be wearing another polo working around a bunch of jocks, a few minutes ago I was jamming out to some Beyonce on the ride home I might listen to Tony Bennett. I meditate to Debussy and I wake up to Melody Gardot. I watch operas and will go to a rodeo. I will plant tomatoes in the ground and get a manicure to go out on the town. As I was thinking about all of this still at Anthropologie I realized people are full and complex but they are not onions, we are diamonds. Look again at the photo above. That is the hope diamond. One of the largest and arguably the most beautiful diamond in the world. Look at the depth, look at the shine. Each cut of the diamond adds to it's intensity and it's beauty. People are often described as onions, because we have layers. But what if we considered those onion layers as facets and what if those facets added to our intensity and our brilliance. We are brilliant and unique people. Each of us shine in a different way and each of us are beautiful sparkling diamonds.

it is sight

I've been going through a rough patch, well that's an understatement I've been ping through the hardest time I've ever had in my short simple existence. I'm not sure why it's been so hard actually. Pain seems to be just under the surface of my being at every moment. Partly it is due to heartache. The rest of my bleak outlook is due to regular life stress, money, work, bills etc. Somehow regular life stress is so much harder when you are suffering through loneliness. Anyways onto the point of this blog....
I'll sum up really quickly what happened over the summer. I started working at a local restaurant in May in July I started falling in love with one o the bartenders and in September he or was it really I broke my heart. The first time he kissed me he told me he had wanted to kiss me from the first moment he saw me. He told me for the first few months he kept trying to get me to look at him and I never saw him. And he was right. Of course I literally saw him but I didn't SEE him. I remember the moment I did actually see him he quoted a line from a song and I said the next line he looked up at me and I saw him. I saw straight into his eyes past the surface and into his depth. Which of course scared me because the last time I saw someone like that was of course Adam and we know how that turned out. So for the next month I talked to the bartender and really grew to like the bartender but I kept my walls up quite high. Until one night a server told me the bartender was crazy about me and then we went out for waffles at one AM. This however was not the kiss moment that came a month later on my birthday weekend which by the way was the best present I ever could have dreamed for.
Of course the end of this story is all too common it ended in my heart getting broken followed by several not so proud moments. Anyways moving on with this blog.
I would like to reference my favorite fantasy novelist Ursula LeGuinn in her series the wizard of earth sea she talks about how a persons true name is where they hold their true self and in knowing a persons true name gave you control over that person. Now let's take a line from Shakespeare "journey's end in lovers meeting" Now (as I am proving myself as human as the rest of us I am interpreting something to fit my needs) knowing a persons true self does in fact give you power over that person buy here's the catch when you get to know someone truly it is impossible to not let your own walls down and let them know you too. And when shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting" how else do you know besides seeing that person. My point to LeGuinn is this once you see someone, once you know someone, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is impossible not to SEE them even when you wish you didn't and there is still a part of them that sees you. Isn't that part of the deal when you let someone get close to you, they have the ability to hurt you more than anyone else in the world just like you can in turn hurt them. I guess that's the risk. And the point that LeGuinn makes that we should guard our hearts and only let select few into them so that our soft caring organ gets as few bumps bruises and breaks along the way.
Well for the moment this heart has lost the point of the blog and is going to tuck her tired little self into fluffy chocolate colored blankets and rest for as long as she possibly can.


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