Welcome Home Beowulf and Hrothgar :-)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
it's been a long while
I have been trying to hash out this blog for weeks and with no luck. So here is a very possibly failed attempt but I need to get it out of my head.
February has been an interesting month. I'm not sure how to explain all that I have gone through this month. I finally feel like I have walked away happily from Adam. The final straw was place on the camel's back and it broke me, crumpled me. But when I got up there was no weight on me at all, not a shred. It was quite relieving actually.
I joined a chat site because I was bored. I met some entertaining people, I was proposed to twice, asked to take my shirt off countless times, asked to fly to wherever to have sex with whomever. I wasn't bored anymore, saying no to countless suitors does boost the ego and provide a laugh :-). There are a lot of interesting people in the world. Three weeks of this entertainment proved to be enough and I left the site. Before I did however I met a really nice guy. I hope his life turns out wonderfully. He deserves it.
I'm exceptionally tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people. Yesterday two customers had a 30 minute conversation about the end of the world, what foods should you plant, how should it be distributed yadayadayada this is an almost daily occurrence. The other day some friends and I drove through the caves at Park University it was then stated that when the apocalypse comes this is where one of my friends is planning on living and that some of his friends were already stockpiling food to feed the city for up to two years. This whole town lives for the end. I have been told countless times my numerous people that they are just tired of waiting and that they pray Jesus would come back today, this week, this month, soon, so that they can be together in perfect harmony. The friends of mine who have made this statement swear it is not suicidal, I think they have lost it. Why not live life? Why not enjoy the short time we have here? Why are they living for the end? This whole community of "Christians" are living a life focused on death, not the life that God has given them and I am tired of hearing about it. "Did you see the lights over Jerusalem? It means the end is coming!" "Did you hear what so&so prophet said on such&such website? It means the end is near!" "Did you hear about the potential solar storm? It means the end is near!" Did you see the grass is green?? It means the end is near!" I am so tired of hearing about death and destruction. I feel that they are missing out on incredible gifts God has given them in this life because they are focused on the hereafter.
I am well aware that location does not make one happy, nor better. However I feel stagnant where I am in now. I need a change, which is a lot coming from a person who generally avoids change and has freak outs when plans lurch in a different direction, but I think it is time.
My mother asked me a few weeks ago what my goals were in life, the conclusion was made I was goal-less. Which is true. I don't really see this as a bad thing, it is just where I am at in my life. I am aware that this lack of direction may be causing some of my anxiety of late however I don't see the point of having a goal that is determined by someone else's life seeing as I have no control over that at all.
I am amazed at the number of people who have never fallen in love. Even married ones, even people who are married to each other. I am not saying that these people do not love each other in their marriage, they do. But they never felt that dizzy, head over heels, crazy, out of their mind, passionate, life won't be the same without you feeling. For all that we are taught growing up with all the princess stories and songs and movies, and books few people I know ever actually fell in love, and if they did they very rarely married that person. My whole world regarding love, and lets face it my world has a lot to do with love, has been shaken. I don't know what I actually think on the subject. I would like to say all those people who fell in love with someone else, had their heart broken and then married the next comparable mate is a fool, but seeing as I have no actual experience regarding this and I am human therefore prone to err I would have to say I may be wrong. I would like to say to all those people that married because it was the next logical step, or who married because "God" told them to they are freaking morons, but because I have no experience in this situation and because, as I stated before, I am human I must say I may be wrong.
I feel that the more I learn about life the less I know about it. Wasn't it Galileo who said the more he learned about the universe the more confident he was that there was a god? Because in all it's vastness we more mortals could not even hope to comprehend? I think he is right, about God and the mere mortals statement. We are so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of the whole universe, made up of gazillions of stars, billions of galaxies, trillions of planets and millions of life forms. And yet we are able to gather so much beauty in our short little lives.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about what we wanted or rather needed to be happy. I know I have said this often, but I don't want to be the biggest fish in the biggest pond. I just want to be a happy fish in my little pond. Do I need a million dollar mansion and hundreds of acres with dozens of horses all out on parade all the time? An Adonis for a husband and perfect beautiful children? No. No I do not need that, nor do I want that. I want my horses in my back yard and a man who loves me who has actually fallen in love with me and I with him (I am well aware that this might be a terribly silly hopeless romantic idea but I am going to hold to it for now until proven otherwise), maybe kids I am constantly going back and forth on this sometimes yes sometimes no more often yes lately (Mom I guess you were right), I'm not afraid of hard work I'll help the household as needed, I am not afraid of hard times I'll go to hell and back if needed. But that is really it. Just a little slice of happiness in my pond wherever that pond may end up being.
February has been an interesting month. I'm not sure how to explain all that I have gone through this month. I finally feel like I have walked away happily from Adam. The final straw was place on the camel's back and it broke me, crumpled me. But when I got up there was no weight on me at all, not a shred. It was quite relieving actually.
I joined a chat site because I was bored. I met some entertaining people, I was proposed to twice, asked to take my shirt off countless times, asked to fly to wherever to have sex with whomever. I wasn't bored anymore, saying no to countless suitors does boost the ego and provide a laugh :-). There are a lot of interesting people in the world. Three weeks of this entertainment proved to be enough and I left the site. Before I did however I met a really nice guy. I hope his life turns out wonderfully. He deserves it.
I'm exceptionally tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people. Yesterday two customers had a 30 minute conversation about the end of the world, what foods should you plant, how should it be distributed yadayadayada this is an almost daily occurrence. The other day some friends and I drove through the caves at Park University it was then stated that when the apocalypse comes this is where one of my friends is planning on living and that some of his friends were already stockpiling food to feed the city for up to two years. This whole town lives for the end. I have been told countless times my numerous people that they are just tired of waiting and that they pray Jesus would come back today, this week, this month, soon, so that they can be together in perfect harmony. The friends of mine who have made this statement swear it is not suicidal, I think they have lost it. Why not live life? Why not enjoy the short time we have here? Why are they living for the end? This whole community of "Christians" are living a life focused on death, not the life that God has given them and I am tired of hearing about it. "Did you see the lights over Jerusalem? It means the end is coming!" "Did you hear what so&so prophet said on such&such website? It means the end is near!" "Did you hear about the potential solar storm? It means the end is near!" Did you see the grass is green?? It means the end is near!" I am so tired of hearing about death and destruction. I feel that they are missing out on incredible gifts God has given them in this life because they are focused on the hereafter.
I am well aware that location does not make one happy, nor better. However I feel stagnant where I am in now. I need a change, which is a lot coming from a person who generally avoids change and has freak outs when plans lurch in a different direction, but I think it is time.
My mother asked me a few weeks ago what my goals were in life, the conclusion was made I was goal-less. Which is true. I don't really see this as a bad thing, it is just where I am at in my life. I am aware that this lack of direction may be causing some of my anxiety of late however I don't see the point of having a goal that is determined by someone else's life seeing as I have no control over that at all.
I am amazed at the number of people who have never fallen in love. Even married ones, even people who are married to each other. I am not saying that these people do not love each other in their marriage, they do. But they never felt that dizzy, head over heels, crazy, out of their mind, passionate, life won't be the same without you feeling. For all that we are taught growing up with all the princess stories and songs and movies, and books few people I know ever actually fell in love, and if they did they very rarely married that person. My whole world regarding love, and lets face it my world has a lot to do with love, has been shaken. I don't know what I actually think on the subject. I would like to say all those people who fell in love with someone else, had their heart broken and then married the next comparable mate is a fool, but seeing as I have no actual experience regarding this and I am human therefore prone to err I would have to say I may be wrong. I would like to say to all those people that married because it was the next logical step, or who married because "God" told them to they are freaking morons, but because I have no experience in this situation and because, as I stated before, I am human I must say I may be wrong.
I feel that the more I learn about life the less I know about it. Wasn't it Galileo who said the more he learned about the universe the more confident he was that there was a god? Because in all it's vastness we more mortals could not even hope to comprehend? I think he is right, about God and the mere mortals statement. We are so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of the whole universe, made up of gazillions of stars, billions of galaxies, trillions of planets and millions of life forms. And yet we are able to gather so much beauty in our short little lives.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about what we wanted or rather needed to be happy. I know I have said this often, but I don't want to be the biggest fish in the biggest pond. I just want to be a happy fish in my little pond. Do I need a million dollar mansion and hundreds of acres with dozens of horses all out on parade all the time? An Adonis for a husband and perfect beautiful children? No. No I do not need that, nor do I want that. I want my horses in my back yard and a man who loves me who has actually fallen in love with me and I with him (I am well aware that this might be a terribly silly hopeless romantic idea but I am going to hold to it for now until proven otherwise), maybe kids I am constantly going back and forth on this sometimes yes sometimes no more often yes lately (Mom I guess you were right), I'm not afraid of hard work I'll help the household as needed, I am not afraid of hard times I'll go to hell and back if needed. But that is really it. Just a little slice of happiness in my pond wherever that pond may end up being.
Friday, February 18, 2011
ee cummings
in spite of evrything
which breathes and moves,since Do
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn,and(stooping
through the morning)kiss
this pillow,dear
where our heads lived and were.
which breathes and moves,since Do
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn,and(stooping
through the morning)kiss
this pillow,dear
where our heads lived and were.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
it is a chance decision
Every single day we are faced with choices. The decisions we make in regard to those choices will define us not only in that moment but for years to come. In a heartbeat we can reroute our lives. We can choose to be good or bad, kind or hurtful, a hero or a coward. Because we are imperfect in an imperfect world we often make mistakes. So when a choice is presented be careful. Very often in life we are not given second chances, but if a second chance does appear we must take it. Learn from our mistakes and make the right choice. I hope to be a person who does just that. Learn from my mistakes. And I hope that more often I will choose the high road over the low, bravery over cowardice and love over hate. Life is short, very short. We should make the most of what we have. We shouldn’t waste our time. If there is something you need to do, someone you need to say something to I beg you to do it. I pray you stand up and do what needs to be done. Very often we allow chances to miss us. Very often we sit back and do nothing. Don’t. Stop. Pick yourself up and grab life. Don’t let it pass you by. Do not be afraid of possible pain or possible failure. If we never try we can never succeed. And if we never succeed we will never find, happiness, joy, love or any of the sweet things in life.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
it is a little jazz
Tonight I sang at my little shop. I haven't done a show in FOREVER and was a little bit nervous as to how my voice would hold out. But all in all it was a great show. Had a blast. Skyped a friend in CAN and Skyped a sis in CO. It was fun to have some of my close friends who are far away near by for an evening :-).
I am still at my little shop - I took some quiet time by myself here taking those breathes that were alluded to in the previous post. I was watching an Episode of Bones, my current therapy of choice. Anyways the show ended and I was wrapping up my stuff to head home. And I looked around at the little shop all tucked in for the night, most of the lights off, all the furniture neatly back where it belongs. And I thought about how it looked a mere 45 minutes ago. Crammed with people, laughing, talking, eating. And a little wave of contentedness washed over me. Like right after you have eaten the perfect, savory, rich and not too much. That complete satisfaction.
Well it is time for this little jazz singer to go home - it was an awesome night. Thanks to all of you who came out :-).
I am still at my little shop - I took some quiet time by myself here taking those breathes that were alluded to in the previous post. I was watching an Episode of Bones, my current therapy of choice. Anyways the show ended and I was wrapping up my stuff to head home. And I looked around at the little shop all tucked in for the night, most of the lights off, all the furniture neatly back where it belongs. And I thought about how it looked a mere 45 minutes ago. Crammed with people, laughing, talking, eating. And a little wave of contentedness washed over me. Like right after you have eaten the perfect, savory, rich and not too much. That complete satisfaction.
Well it is time for this little jazz singer to go home - it was an awesome night. Thanks to all of you who came out :-).
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
it is sara bareillis
Lately I've been driving a lot. Mainly because I moved my two boys down to a friends farm 1 hour south of home and have been driving down to see them weekly. These two hours a week by myself and left alone in my own head have proven to be very therapeutic. Anyways as I was driving there yesterday I was cranking out my Sara Bareillis Kaleidescope Heart album. I was thinking about the lyrics to one of my favorite songs on the CD "Gonna Get Over You". Much of that song sums up a lot of the emotion I felt after Adam and I stopped being what we were not. Her feelings of calling it quits long before she actually did, hanging on to the word maybe and so on. The Song before this on the album "Uncharted" she talks about the depth of the pain she felt from this the worst and hardest heartbreak of all. Most of the album is about a wretched breakup and every color of the rainbow emotion that is felt during the ripping and repairing process. The saddest song on the album is without question "Breathe Again". I am very happy to say I do not cry anymore when I hear that song but that has only been in the month - as I have stated many a time before I am quite the emotional sap. ANYWAYS as I was listening to these songs and recognizing that she felt many of the same emotions that I felt I started thinking about the other girls who listen to this album and feel the same way. That is when I had an epiphany - we are all the same. Sure I know that is a blanket statement full of untruths because of course we are not ALL the same but we are all similar. Especially when it comes to our emotions. This of course has been proven by such people as Paul Ekman and the like. Anyways thats it. When you feel like you are the only one who has felt this way before know that you are not alone.
Monday, January 17, 2011
it is family
I realized tonight as I was sitting watching a "Bones" episode throughout this CRAZY year I have learned much. Very much. But one thing I have learned, a lesson I hope I will never forget is this. My family is incredible. With all our arguments and crazy events they will stick through it with me, have my back and stand shoulder to shoulder. It doesn't mean they won't call me out, keep me humble and knock me off my high horse when needed.
So I would just like to say... THANK YOU to my family. I am lucky, very lucky to have each and every one of you as part of it.
So I would just like to say... THANK YOU to my family. I am lucky, very lucky to have each and every one of you as part of it.
it is men....and women
I wrote a long long long blog over the course of three days to attempt to put all my thoughts on this subject down. I came up with Biblical references, musical quips, pop culture trivia and about 2 pages of my general ramblings. At the end of this blog I looked back and realized I sounded like I was making myself an authority on a subject I know nothing about. So here's what I will sum it all up to. We, as a human race, need to learn how to take care of each other's hearts.
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