It is dying alone

Late night TV for a single girl mainly consists of Sex and the City. This particular episode playing this evening (morning) Miranda buys an apartment and the fear of dying alone strikes home. The particular plot combined with a couple drinks of Sambuca has me thinking seriously about my life as a single woman. I remember one night I was quite ill and my roommate at the time, KM (now KZ :-)) took the time to worry about me and make sure I made it home ok. Waking in the morning and knowing that someone had been there to care about me and if I hadn't gotten home someone would've known. I remember one night I was talking to Adam on the phone outside my house I was pacing the street and told him jokingly to call the cops if someone stole me. He told me he'd be at my house faster than the cops to catch anyone who dared touch me. Again the knowledge that someone knew where I was and what I was doing and who would care for me, protect me brought comfort to my heart. I know my mother is reading this and thinking like any good mama bear would "tell me what you ate doing and where you are and if anyone dares harm you or if you have anything wrong your father and I will be there to help protect and serve". Truth is I am lucky enough to have parents who do think and operate like that.
Even though it is wonderful to have parents like mine typically parents die before their children or if we didn't live close by to each other.
~~~~~~ fell asleep~~~~~~~
I'm still unsure whether or not I will ever meet anyone who can put up with me long enough to decide they can put up with me forever. (I'm beginning to think that my ideas of love are a consistent deterrent to others and I can't decide if I'm the one who is wrong or if they are.) All that aside I don't want to die alone. Why? There is a song "you are nobody til somebody loves you" this I believe goes back to the human desire to be known. We long to be remembered maybe it has to do with our mortality and how we are always striving to be immortal. If someone loves you forever you become immortal to them etc etc. But I have people who will love me forever and I will love them forever. So why don't I want to be old and alone? Is it possibly just loneliness? You could say that however again unless all my friends and family die before I do (god forbid) I won't be lonely. Third possibility; economic sense. At the rate I am living my life now and at the rate of inflation as a single woman I will never be able to retire. Ok yes this would make life more convenient, two incomes and hopefully he will be better with finances than me. That's not a reason for me to search or long for someone. I could make life choices and changes and work hard and retire I'm sure. So what is my deal? Why do I want someone? I should state at this point that this issue was not an issue a few years ago. I honestly didn't care or maybe I just figured it would inevitably happen so why worry about it. Now? I don't know why maybe it's the fact I'm pushing 30 and realize it's time to be an adult. I don't know. There is still not anything in me who craves a family of my own. I already have a house and I get my female nesting desire out of the way. Hanging out in the day care at work fills my baby need well really over-fills my baby time desire. I really don't want kids of my own, however I should say that when I was madly in love with Adam I wanted kids because he wanted kids so I wanted to give him everything he wanted because I loved him. Honestly I think I'd. Be happy wither way kids or no kids. I lost my train of thought....oh right. But there is a desire in me to share life with someone. I was reading E Gilbert's book committed and she asked all her unmarried friends by they wanted to be married. One of there friends stated she had a strong desire to be chosen. Yes the is definitely that. And I feel like I have a lot of love to give and I long to give that love to someone who in turn can give me love.

Maybe that is it! Maybe I want to complete my love circle. Since my life has turned into a pursuit of love and happiness the ultimate statement of that love would be to love someone who loves me, unforgettably, uninhibitedly, unendingly.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it is sambuca

Having a night off is a rare and beautiful thing in my life. Tonight's was one of those unplanned gems due to an alignment of the planets, a cold, a chilly night and a closed patio sent me home at 4 this afternoon.
So I spent it in good Italian fashion; a slice of pizza smothered in fresh mozzarella followed up with a shot of sambuca and a glass of wine. Yum! Me being a light weight this promptly passed me out cold by 730.
Now its 130 in the morning and I'm wide awake. So whats a girl to do before dawn? Watch tv and eat some haggen daaz. TV of choice tonight? White Collar.
I love this first season of White Collar. Neal searching for Kate the sparring between Peter and Neal. And Mozzie, I love Mozzie.
Anyways this is a pointless blog. I'm lonely, bored, awake at an ungodly hour, the only person I want to talk to I can't and I have a cold. Thank the gods for haggen daaz.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it is a changing person

I've been doing deep thinking lately about change and I thought I'd revisit my blog about the subject.
The other day I was talking to a friend about his girlfriend and the problems they are having. I asked him if he really wanted things to work out between them and he said "well if she would change abc and xyz then maybe" My response was of course people don't change. Then I started thinking about how much life does change. And how much I've changed. And how much people I know have changed. But why is it whenever we speak of relationships we say 'you better love that person as they are they won't change' or 'if you have that issue with them now it's will only get worse because they won't stop that habit'? Because truth of the matter is people do change. We can't change people but people change themselves. So this of course got me thinking about my personal change and growth and learning. I really like who I am now. But I also liked who I was in the past. Truth is I think there was only a short period in my teenhood that I didn't like myself. Yet I've changed so much in the past 5 years. So here's the theory I came up with after hours of pondering..... I am the same me just a deeper older wiser version of me. I still have my sense of adventure, my kindness, my silliness, my deep pure heart, my sense of humor, my same character flaws and strengths exist.
So here is my theory. We do change, we grow, we learn hopefully we get wiser but most importantly we become more of who we already were. Our outsides might change our attitudes, our perceptions but our hearts our core our souls they don't that is who we are 'til the day we die. I believe we can unearth good or bad parts of us as time goes by but it of course can only be our choosing not being forced by someone else's mind.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it is a love song

This week has been full of love songs running through my head. Possibly because I am singing a few dozen tomorrow at my dear friends wedding :-). From Elvis to Bob Dylan, Etta James to John Legend we searched across genres and generations to find some of the best romantic love songs written, that I am capable of singing anyways.

When asked how do you know if you are in love the answer usually follows - all the love songs make sense. In fact in one song "La Vie En Rose" the author so plainly put it 'I thought that love was just a word, they sang about in songs I've heard, it took your kisses to reveal, that I was wrong and love is real'. (Oh this thought process is bringing up old blog post memories, unfortunately I cannot find the blog which I will now refer to. I'll attach it later if I find it) So here in this song it is sung that we don't understand love until we live through it, nor (would I dare to venture to say?) that we don't know love until we lose it. So here I am on a love song binge preparing for two of my best friends to get married contemplating all the different types of love I am singing about. See you have the La Vie En Rose love, the crazy passionate druggie love 'When you kiss me angels sing and even though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose (translated; life through rose colored glasses)'. And then you have the melodramatic love of Dylan 'I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue, there is nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love'. How crazy drunk in love do you have to be to feel that? And isn't there a part of each and everyone of us that wants someone to love us that over the top? Even the strong macho men (which I realize there are probably very few of you who read this blog) would want a woman to say 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me all my wildest dreams come true'? I mean who among us can say we don't want that passionate love in our lives? And don't we all deserve it?

There is also the still love (best word I could come up with to describe that). The aspect of love that makes the world seem to stop for a moment, Melody Gardot expresses it in her song 'ticks may never hear a tock, but it don't matter, because when I'm with you, the whole world stands still, you're my one and only thrill.' Or in Hoagie Carmichael's song "The Nearness of You" the connection we feel when we are in love 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me, all my wildest dreams come true.'

I think one of my favorite songs we are singing would have to be "the Story." In it's simplicity the author says the love stories have all been told, they all begin differently and some end poorly 'But if you don't try, the light won't hit your eye, and the moon won't rise'. Still being a hopeless romantic I always believe love deserves a chance at fruition.

So tomorrow afternoon I will take guests on a tour of many of the different facets of the love that lead to a life together. Most important aspect of that love which I have come to crave is the steady love. It was Dylan who also wrote 'you turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see, just being next to you is a natural thing for me, and I could never let you go no matter what goes on, I love you more than ever now that the past is gone.' I was texting with a friend the other day and I described this love as a meat and potatoes kind of love. A love that you can survive on not one that only exists on a druggy high but has stability of friendship and trust and respect. That is the kind of love I want, that natural easy stable love. Sure with a bit of the drug high a rush of adrenaline at the thought of seeing them, a stomach flip when they surprise you, a flood of passion when you kiss. But still that love that could make it through hell and back again, that (for lack of a better analogy) eat every day and survive on. (I would like to put in a side note here and state that even though you can survive entirely on meat and potatoes there should be veggies and desserts and garnishes and drink in your life as well - I know I'm weird but bear with me - I believe you need a solid love to build of of and have friends and family surrounding you so that if the potato famine hits and the cows all get hoof and mouth you have others to rely on to get you through :-))

It is the ever changing world we call home

There are very few absolutes, laws of physics aside, in this world. This past week provided proof if I needed convincing.

Last week my little shop shut for good. Sadly the man who purchased it went bankrupt and in a matter of hours almost six years of love pain happiness stress tears and joy was over. I was working at the restaurant the other day and a customer from the coffee shop was there. She asked me what happened. Told me how much she missed me there. I began to cry talking about it being gone (here I am in a busy restaurant surrounded by strangers and I'm tearing up- I am such a shameless sap!) As I was talking to her though I realized that none of my new friends in my life would get to see something that was such an instrumental part in making me who I am. They wouldn't see the people who I loved they wouldn't see me in that element ever. I am quite confident that nothing like the HB will ever exist in my life again. I don't see how it could. That whole separate world that revolved around eccentric people and good coffee. That place that I gave my lifeblood to. That little shop in so many ways was an outward physical manifestation of me. Now there is a whole new set of my life where that will be obscure.

Today I am on a plane flying to Canada for a dear friends wedding. Life moving changing growing. This weekend 3 years ago a dear acquaintance of mine died on an early morning flight. I remembered this as my flight was heading down the runway. Siting towards the back of the plane looking at the rows of seats full of people thinking of how a flight similar to this one ended up being a fiery coffin for all those people. I know I've mused about the shortness of life before but whenever I am reminded of the uncertainty it makes me think - is my life where I want it? If I were to die today here on this plane did I tell the people I care about that I do? Will my responsibilities be taken care of? Did I live my life with fear and trepidation or did I take risks and chances and did I remember to live this life?

There is never a good time for change. There is never a good time for conflict. Nor is there a perfect time to die. Change happens and the world spins. Conflict arises and we must handle it. Death is inevitable.

There are good constants too. Love will always be in the world. New life will always spring up. And peace comes after conflict.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It is love

Well it has been a wee bit since I've been on here. I've been running all over the place and haven't had time to catch up with my thoughts. I still love both jobs. Sometimes I don't honestly like the gym. I get sooooo bored. And I still don't feel 100% comfortable. However my boss today gave me a hug when I left and told me he loved me. So I guess there is some element of fitting in ;-). The restaurant? I adore. I love all the people and personalities and all the different chemistries between everyone.
Ok on to the meat of the blog.

Twice this week I called God a failure. Huh. Both of these incidences in which I stated he failed were involving love. Growing up in the circle I did one wasn't ever allowed to challenge God. If you did you were a heretic and most certainly on a slippery path to H-E double hockey sticks.

My first declaration of holy failure came when a girl at work was talking about her girlfriends family being judgmental towards her gay lifestyle. I went on a rant about how Christians walk around feeling entitled and judgmental and yadda yadda yadda. I said something to the effect of "didn't they read the bible? All God says is to love people whether they are black white purple gay straight mean nice stupid or genius!" realizing of course that 10 years ago I would've gel very similar feelings towards the "poor lost soul". It was at this point I realized God actually failed. Here he sent himself to earth and tell , nay beg people to love each other and here we are 2000 years later walking around judging hating discriminating condemning.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a new close friend of mine and he was expressing exasperation in trying to keep everyone happy and in turn was not finding or allowing happiness for himself. My response again was that God himself couldn't make all the people in the world happy so how are we supposed to.

At the end of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" the author states that God's final message to his creation was "sorry for all the mistakes." Often in humor we find a bit of truth. (and yes I know you can now all argue that we were the ones that fell and made the world imperfect and whatehaveyou).

I find it funny how life changes you. Reading through my old blogs seeing where I came from how I've changed humorous at time most definitely. And yes I realize I might be wrong in my thinking now and 5 years from now I may laugh at myself for stating such facts. Such is life I suppose.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it is the greeks

There is an ancient Greek theory that when the human race was created we were comprised of two heads, four legs and four arms. The gods grew tired of us living in happy bliss of completion and split us sending our other halves out into the world sending us on an eternal search for the rest of ourselves. This is how the Greeks explained the eternal longing we have to find true love.

The other day at the gym a couple of the old gym hounds asked me if I was still working my two jobs. I told them I was. Their response was, Any man would be a lucky man to be with you. Why are you single? I laughed and told them I was too busy. They shook their heads and said that I really should take time when the right guy comes along. I promised them I would. But there hangs that question - will the right guy ever come around?

One of the guys at the restaurant was talking to me about my single-dom (it seems wherever I go my singleness is an issue for people) he told me that I could have any guy in the place if I wanted him. That I was "one cool chic and any of the guys here would love to date me." My question to him was - so why aren't they.

I read Steve Harvey's book - Love like a Woman, Think like a Man. His basic theory was that women don't identify the way on which men love them. That we still need to love like a woman "because a woman's love hold no bounds and there is nothing else like it on earth" but that we need to identify what is going through a man's head. That they need us to identify what they are doing that actually is them showing their love - provision, ownership etc. And he said that we need to know what men are looking from us - independence and support. (Please do note that this is a summation and there was a lot more detail in the book.) He also explained to women who felt like they were just used by men why they were. His analogy was a keeper vs. catch and release. Upon reading this book I texted a guy friend of mine and told him I discovered I am the perfect woman, I'm not a slut, I am confident, I expect independence in a relationship, I am an independent person myself, I demand commitment from from men if they are not willing to have some level of it at least the level I am putting forth I'm out and I support and encourage without nagging and on top of it all I rarely judge. His reply was "yes you are which is what keeps men from actually dating you but always wanting to because they know once they are in a relationship with you they know that would be it and men are often afraid." You know the old ball and chain, the last days of their lives being wolves or wild mustangs or whatever the hell analogy that a man sees himself as in his single-dom.

Adam once told me I didn't make him feel needed (as discussed in many previous blogs no falser words have ever been spoken, well I mean the me not needing someone part I still believe to this day he was just blind to my weaknesses because he was so wrapped up in his own). Yesterday morning when I woke up my feet were moving on their own, my calf muscle were spasming so badly that my feet were actually alternating between flexing and pointing all on there own with out the assistance of any brain activity. As I was laying in bed thinking about my best move and debating whether or not I could actually walk to the bathroom to get the supplies I needed to fix my current conundrum I thought to myself "and that pansy ass rat bastard thought I was so independent I would never need him." I then cried all the way to the bathroom in pain to get my first aid muscle supplies (thank god my house is small and it was a very short painful walk).

I have to head to work and I am afraid I have no nice wrap up paragraph or phrase to tell you. It's just one of those days.

it is a lot of work to be nice all the time

Oh I had a great blog in my head last night and I have completely forgotten it. Woe to early onset short term memory loss. /-(

As my saga at the gym continues I am learning again how important to keep good friends close. A new manager has encroached upon this little kingdom. I'm sure she is a nice person but from what I am gathering so far - she is not here to make any friends. As she came in yesterday on her first day she did not ask, how was your weekend, how are you etc etc. She proceeded to tell everyone to do something menial and that she is not in charge of. Including other managing staff how to do their job. Basically, I am tired of being the friendly one here all the time. I mean seriously???? When my club manager walked in yesterday morning the first words out if his mouth were- when was the last time towels were pulled. Again, not good morning, it's nice to see you etc etc. He is a nice guy I know he doesn't mean to be rude. But seriously??? Why is it that I am the one who always has to be the courteous one? Why can't someone ask me how my day is for a change? Sigh. I guess the whole point is I had worn just about everyone down. Now I have yet another challenge and I think this one will be a doozie.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it is human density

What is with the universe? I seriously think I have the worst timing of just about anybody. For crying out loud can't fate give me a break? Sigh. I know I probably just need to take a break and breathe for 5 seconds and it will all be figured out. But still SO frustrating!
To add insult to frustration today at the gym Bear and I went out for some delicious spin pizza. As we were enjoying our slices we had a couple left over slices so I offered them to one of the PT's, who I thought was a less arrogant one, boy was I wrong. After a lecture about how I should work out more if I want to ear like that I looked at him and said "you know what i don't care how you think I look I like myself stop being an ass hole". I realized driving home that I think this is the first time in my life I have ever called someone an ass hole and meant it. I'm concerned. His response was "how come I became an ass hole for talking about your food?" DENSE!!! Bear wonderful misunderstood guy that he is gave me a hug and said the PT had no right to say that to me. People people people.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone