it is a love song

This week has been full of love songs running through my head. Possibly because I am singing a few dozen tomorrow at my dear friends wedding :-). From Elvis to Bob Dylan, Etta James to John Legend we searched across genres and generations to find some of the best romantic love songs written, that I am capable of singing anyways.

When asked how do you know if you are in love the answer usually follows - all the love songs make sense. In fact in one song "La Vie En Rose" the author so plainly put it 'I thought that love was just a word, they sang about in songs I've heard, it took your kisses to reveal, that I was wrong and love is real'. (Oh this thought process is bringing up old blog post memories, unfortunately I cannot find the blog which I will now refer to. I'll attach it later if I find it) So here in this song it is sung that we don't understand love until we live through it, nor (would I dare to venture to say?) that we don't know love until we lose it. So here I am on a love song binge preparing for two of my best friends to get married contemplating all the different types of love I am singing about. See you have the La Vie En Rose love, the crazy passionate druggie love 'When you kiss me angels sing and even though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose (translated; life through rose colored glasses)'. And then you have the melodramatic love of Dylan 'I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue, there is nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love'. How crazy drunk in love do you have to be to feel that? And isn't there a part of each and everyone of us that wants someone to love us that over the top? Even the strong macho men (which I realize there are probably very few of you who read this blog) would want a woman to say 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me all my wildest dreams come true'? I mean who among us can say we don't want that passionate love in our lives? And don't we all deserve it?

There is also the still love (best word I could come up with to describe that). The aspect of love that makes the world seem to stop for a moment, Melody Gardot expresses it in her song 'ticks may never hear a tock, but it don't matter, because when I'm with you, the whole world stands still, you're my one and only thrill.' Or in Hoagie Carmichael's song "The Nearness of You" the connection we feel when we are in love 'when I'm in your arms and I'm holding you so close to me, all my wildest dreams come true.'

I think one of my favorite songs we are singing would have to be "the Story." In it's simplicity the author says the love stories have all been told, they all begin differently and some end poorly 'But if you don't try, the light won't hit your eye, and the moon won't rise'. Still being a hopeless romantic I always believe love deserves a chance at fruition.

So tomorrow afternoon I will take guests on a tour of many of the different facets of the love that lead to a life together. Most important aspect of that love which I have come to crave is the steady love. It was Dylan who also wrote 'you turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see, just being next to you is a natural thing for me, and I could never let you go no matter what goes on, I love you more than ever now that the past is gone.' I was texting with a friend the other day and I described this love as a meat and potatoes kind of love. A love that you can survive on not one that only exists on a druggy high but has stability of friendship and trust and respect. That is the kind of love I want, that natural easy stable love. Sure with a bit of the drug high a rush of adrenaline at the thought of seeing them, a stomach flip when they surprise you, a flood of passion when you kiss. But still that love that could make it through hell and back again, that (for lack of a better analogy) eat every day and survive on. (I would like to put in a side note here and state that even though you can survive entirely on meat and potatoes there should be veggies and desserts and garnishes and drink in your life as well - I know I'm weird but bear with me - I believe you need a solid love to build of of and have friends and family surrounding you so that if the potato famine hits and the cows all get hoof and mouth you have others to rely on to get you through :-))

It is the ever changing world we call home

There are very few absolutes, laws of physics aside, in this world. This past week provided proof if I needed convincing.

Last week my little shop shut for good. Sadly the man who purchased it went bankrupt and in a matter of hours almost six years of love pain happiness stress tears and joy was over. I was working at the restaurant the other day and a customer from the coffee shop was there. She asked me what happened. Told me how much she missed me there. I began to cry talking about it being gone (here I am in a busy restaurant surrounded by strangers and I'm tearing up- I am such a shameless sap!) As I was talking to her though I realized that none of my new friends in my life would get to see something that was such an instrumental part in making me who I am. They wouldn't see the people who I loved they wouldn't see me in that element ever. I am quite confident that nothing like the HB will ever exist in my life again. I don't see how it could. That whole separate world that revolved around eccentric people and good coffee. That place that I gave my lifeblood to. That little shop in so many ways was an outward physical manifestation of me. Now there is a whole new set of my life where that will be obscure.

Today I am on a plane flying to Canada for a dear friends wedding. Life moving changing growing. This weekend 3 years ago a dear acquaintance of mine died on an early morning flight. I remembered this as my flight was heading down the runway. Siting towards the back of the plane looking at the rows of seats full of people thinking of how a flight similar to this one ended up being a fiery coffin for all those people. I know I've mused about the shortness of life before but whenever I am reminded of the uncertainty it makes me think - is my life where I want it? If I were to die today here on this plane did I tell the people I care about that I do? Will my responsibilities be taken care of? Did I live my life with fear and trepidation or did I take risks and chances and did I remember to live this life?

There is never a good time for change. There is never a good time for conflict. Nor is there a perfect time to die. Change happens and the world spins. Conflict arises and we must handle it. Death is inevitable.

There are good constants too. Love will always be in the world. New life will always spring up. And peace comes after conflict.



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It is love

Well it has been a wee bit since I've been on here. I've been running all over the place and haven't had time to catch up with my thoughts. I still love both jobs. Sometimes I don't honestly like the gym. I get sooooo bored. And I still don't feel 100% comfortable. However my boss today gave me a hug when I left and told me he loved me. So I guess there is some element of fitting in ;-). The restaurant? I adore. I love all the people and personalities and all the different chemistries between everyone.
Ok on to the meat of the blog.

Twice this week I called God a failure. Huh. Both of these incidences in which I stated he failed were involving love. Growing up in the circle I did one wasn't ever allowed to challenge God. If you did you were a heretic and most certainly on a slippery path to H-E double hockey sticks.

My first declaration of holy failure came when a girl at work was talking about her girlfriends family being judgmental towards her gay lifestyle. I went on a rant about how Christians walk around feeling entitled and judgmental and yadda yadda yadda. I said something to the effect of "didn't they read the bible? All God says is to love people whether they are black white purple gay straight mean nice stupid or genius!" realizing of course that 10 years ago I would've gel very similar feelings towards the "poor lost soul". It was at this point I realized God actually failed. Here he sent himself to earth and tell , nay beg people to love each other and here we are 2000 years later walking around judging hating discriminating condemning.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a new close friend of mine and he was expressing exasperation in trying to keep everyone happy and in turn was not finding or allowing happiness for himself. My response again was that God himself couldn't make all the people in the world happy so how are we supposed to.

At the end of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" the author states that God's final message to his creation was "sorry for all the mistakes." Often in humor we find a bit of truth. (and yes I know you can now all argue that we were the ones that fell and made the world imperfect and whatehaveyou).

I find it funny how life changes you. Reading through my old blogs seeing where I came from how I've changed humorous at time most definitely. And yes I realize I might be wrong in my thinking now and 5 years from now I may laugh at myself for stating such facts. Such is life I suppose.


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it is the greeks

There is an ancient Greek theory that when the human race was created we were comprised of two heads, four legs and four arms. The gods grew tired of us living in happy bliss of completion and split us sending our other halves out into the world sending us on an eternal search for the rest of ourselves. This is how the Greeks explained the eternal longing we have to find true love.

The other day at the gym a couple of the old gym hounds asked me if I was still working my two jobs. I told them I was. Their response was, Any man would be a lucky man to be with you. Why are you single? I laughed and told them I was too busy. They shook their heads and said that I really should take time when the right guy comes along. I promised them I would. But there hangs that question - will the right guy ever come around?

One of the guys at the restaurant was talking to me about my single-dom (it seems wherever I go my singleness is an issue for people) he told me that I could have any guy in the place if I wanted him. That I was "one cool chic and any of the guys here would love to date me." My question to him was - so why aren't they.

I read Steve Harvey's book - Love like a Woman, Think like a Man. His basic theory was that women don't identify the way on which men love them. That we still need to love like a woman "because a woman's love hold no bounds and there is nothing else like it on earth" but that we need to identify what is going through a man's head. That they need us to identify what they are doing that actually is them showing their love - provision, ownership etc. And he said that we need to know what men are looking from us - independence and support. (Please do note that this is a summation and there was a lot more detail in the book.) He also explained to women who felt like they were just used by men why they were. His analogy was a keeper vs. catch and release. Upon reading this book I texted a guy friend of mine and told him I discovered I am the perfect woman, I'm not a slut, I am confident, I expect independence in a relationship, I am an independent person myself, I demand commitment from from men if they are not willing to have some level of it at least the level I am putting forth I'm out and I support and encourage without nagging and on top of it all I rarely judge. His reply was "yes you are which is what keeps men from actually dating you but always wanting to because they know once they are in a relationship with you they know that would be it and men are often afraid." You know the old ball and chain, the last days of their lives being wolves or wild mustangs or whatever the hell analogy that a man sees himself as in his single-dom.

Adam once told me I didn't make him feel needed (as discussed in many previous blogs no falser words have ever been spoken, well I mean the me not needing someone part I still believe to this day he was just blind to my weaknesses because he was so wrapped up in his own). Yesterday morning when I woke up my feet were moving on their own, my calf muscle were spasming so badly that my feet were actually alternating between flexing and pointing all on there own with out the assistance of any brain activity. As I was laying in bed thinking about my best move and debating whether or not I could actually walk to the bathroom to get the supplies I needed to fix my current conundrum I thought to myself "and that pansy ass rat bastard thought I was so independent I would never need him." I then cried all the way to the bathroom in pain to get my first aid muscle supplies (thank god my house is small and it was a very short painful walk).

I have to head to work and I am afraid I have no nice wrap up paragraph or phrase to tell you. It's just one of those days.

it is a lot of work to be nice all the time

Oh I had a great blog in my head last night and I have completely forgotten it. Woe to early onset short term memory loss. /-(

As my saga at the gym continues I am learning again how important to keep good friends close. A new manager has encroached upon this little kingdom. I'm sure she is a nice person but from what I am gathering so far - she is not here to make any friends. As she came in yesterday on her first day she did not ask, how was your weekend, how are you etc etc. She proceeded to tell everyone to do something menial and that she is not in charge of. Including other managing staff how to do their job. Basically, I am tired of being the friendly one here all the time. I mean seriously???? When my club manager walked in yesterday morning the first words out if his mouth were- when was the last time towels were pulled. Again, not good morning, it's nice to see you etc etc. He is a nice guy I know he doesn't mean to be rude. But seriously??? Why is it that I am the one who always has to be the courteous one? Why can't someone ask me how my day is for a change? Sigh. I guess the whole point is I had worn just about everyone down. Now I have yet another challenge and I think this one will be a doozie.


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it is human density

What is with the universe? I seriously think I have the worst timing of just about anybody. For crying out loud can't fate give me a break? Sigh. I know I probably just need to take a break and breathe for 5 seconds and it will all be figured out. But still SO frustrating!
To add insult to frustration today at the gym Bear and I went out for some delicious spin pizza. As we were enjoying our slices we had a couple left over slices so I offered them to one of the PT's, who I thought was a less arrogant one, boy was I wrong. After a lecture about how I should work out more if I want to ear like that I looked at him and said "you know what i don't care how you think I look I like myself stop being an ass hole". I realized driving home that I think this is the first time in my life I have ever called someone an ass hole and meant it. I'm concerned. His response was "how come I became an ass hole for talking about your food?" DENSE!!! Bear wonderful misunderstood guy that he is gave me a hug and said the PT had no right to say that to me. People people people.


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It is people

I feel like I have certainly titled more than one post this title but what else can I say?

I'm sitting here on my short break from 24 thinking about all the people I have met within the past month or so. INCREDIBLE! I have met a dozen personal trainers with a Narcissus complex, lesbians, gays, happily married, un-happily married, happily divorced and un-happily so. I have met single parents, new parents, parent to be. I have met young people well very few older people to tell you the truth. I have met happy managers, unsatisfied managers, people who misunderstand themselves and people who are misunderstood by others. And here is what I have learned so far about the human race- each and every one of us feel the same. Of course we ate not all feeling the same way at the same time but we all share the common bond of emotion. We all get hurt, we all love, we all long to be loved, we all are scared, we all can be brave.

For the purpose of this blog i am going to focus on two guys I have met. Boy 1) bear, boy 2) Texas. Bear is terribly misunderstood by people. I've heard nothing but what a jerk this guy is since I arrived at this job. I would like to tell everyone a) he is not an b) GROW UP! I would like to point out that they are actually the jerks. The other day as I was standing listening to two psycho girls go on and on about why Bear is such a jerk and why blah blah blah I wanted to smack both of them and tell them that high school was over and as both of them are approaching their 24th birthdays it was time to start acting like an adult and MOVE ON. And learn not to gossip about random incidents that happened over a year ago and have NOTHING to do with the present time. Ugh, why do people have to be so hateful so immature and just downright mean? Bear and I get along just fine. He's not an ass hrs made mistakes but he's actually just a big Teddy Bear who despite his façade of a tough outer shell he is a sweet kind hearted soul.
Texas is my only real friend here at the gym. I adore him for the fact that he is the only one of the dozen or so trainers here who didn't judge me at first sight. We've bonded over Tom and Jerry cartoons and good conversation. I am so grateful he works there with me. Not sure honestly I could deal with all the narcissism with out at least one friend. Besides being sweet, kind, handsome, cute southern drawl, fantastic blue eyes, great sense of humor, intelligence and a plethora of other positive qualities I am not attracted to him. This I cannot figure out, mainly because I do adore him. But there is not an inkling of attraction there for me. Huh. It's making me wonder what actually causes attraction. Something to ponder.


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it is two halves that make a whole

One thing I've learned the past week or so is to take breaths, deep deep ones.

At the restaurant on Friday night they did the schedule all funky and left me by myself on the patio during happy hour. I have to say I am incredibly grateful there is more than one manager there. And usually more than one manager is there at a time on busy nights (ie Friday nights). So while I was serving 8 tables 2 manger asked if she needed to help me with anything. And the other said "aren't you capable of handling 8 tables?" To add enjoyment to my day by the time I got home at 1245am I had worked from 6am Friday morning sans 1 hour of driving. So that all adds up to what....17hours of actual work? Oh yeah and those 17 hours were spent on my feet. Driving home I thanked God for giving me tough feet. :-)
At the gym there are 4 count them 4 other employees who say hello to me first. I know this is stupid but honestly I've been there a month now and when you come in to work in the morning can't you say hello? Why do I have to be the one who says "Hey so&so good morning how are you how was your weekend etc etc" I'd say 20% of the time I don't get a hello back. I've resorted to passive aggressiveness. When one trainer- who I actually do get along with did not greet me back I "Oh my weekend was awesome thanks for asking" as he walked away. Which resulted in a smile a laugh and help with the towels later. I'm still trying to fit in. Kinda pisses me off a bit that the two new girls are loved by all. This is purely because they are short, cute, athletic little things. Both of whom I really like by the way. And they seem to get along with me just fine. But still when they are asked by everyone in the place how there day if they need help etc etc it can be frustrating and a little, well basically it pisses me off. I guess I feel like a fish attempting to fly.
On the flip side at the restaurant I feel like my personality meshes a little better. Co-workers get my jokes and the clients generally like me. In fact I have been invited to join activities outside of work. I'm again grateful I have two jobs. Stressful as it was to start two on the same day I feel like it was the best thing to do. If I was only at the gym I would end up hating my physicality and my self-esteem would have suffered while if I was only at the restaurant I wouldn't be making enough cash to survive. So again I might be exhausted, sometimes pissy but generally happy with my latest adventures.


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it is a quick catch up

Where oh where to begin? Well, I have a job, make that two. AWESOME! So the girl who was burned out from working too many hours in her little shop is booking just about as many hours between these two jobs, and the best part is that they are entirely on your feet on the go the whole time. So basically I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am happy. At job Gym I am surrounded by skinny women and buff men. I am the chunkiest person that works there – nothing like a little peer pressure to behave on my eating habits.  At job Restaurant I am surrounded by….everybody. There are so many personalities crammed into that small kitchen space it is fascinating. I do love both jobs. And both jobs are stretching me mentally and physically. After working 16 hours yesterday getting 4 hours of sleep then heading off for 8 more hours by the time I got home today I honestly thought I might collapse and not make it into tomorrow. So what did I do, mowed the lawn.
As always I think while mowing. Thinking is such a dangerous past-time of mine. This past week+ I have been doing a lot of thinking about my choice to leave the little shop and go back into the real world. So much of my final decision had to do with heart break. In my exhaustion my heartbreak is very close to the surface as pain always is when we are tired. It seems to take more energy to stay positive. Anyways as I was mowing the lawn, wishing I wasn’t single and hence wasn’t mowing the lawn I remembered working at the restaurant last night. Walking back into the kitchen area to get ice the kitchen staff was laughing at me, I of coursed challenged their enjoyment in whatever I happened to be doing that they found so amusing, I was met with the response, “Oh you are just so beautiful”. Silly boys. I was then asked later that night if my decent was from Spain, my answer that I was Italian was met with disappointment. Silly, silly boys. There is another co-worker of mine there who I consistently find staring at me, quite certain he is smitten. Then I saw my neighbor who made very week overtures towards me last fall. At the gym there is a client who has made it quite clear he wishes to date me, I mean hey he broke up with his girlfriend/fiancé two days ago. All these thoughts were rumbling through my head as I was pushing my lawn mower back and forth, back and forth. And here is the conclusion I came to, if I wanted to I could be dating any number of men, and I am not. What does this say about me? I might be heartbroken but I still have my standards.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
OK so it’s been a few days . Think I fell asleep in the middle of the previous attempt. .
Well. It’s been a good week. Second week of my new life. I’m happy. Very happy. I haven’t been this happy since Adam and I were speaking. Yes when I wake up in the morning I feel loss, though this morning was the first I didn’t in about a month and a half. Improvement, yeah? I feel like I am starting to fit in a little. I hope it is not in my head, would stink if my perception was imaginary. I am glad I have the job at the restaurant, the gym I feel like the fattest person there, and at the restaurant I’m everybody’s sweet pea and sexy with my hair down. When going through a mental crisis fluffing is always a nice thing to have around. At both places I have discovered that I am one of a kind. N at the gym is super friendly and I adore her. However she’s a jock. She plays basketball and went to school for exercise theory or whathaveyou. I used the word harried yesterday and was met with a blank stare by all. Hairy? Hurried? Harried did not even think about computing. Now please do not misunderstand me, these people are not stupid, they are very smart, very good at what they do they just haven’t read the books I have, they aren’t interested in the world the same way I am. I asked one personal trainer who has a very unique last name where it’s origin was and he said he had never thought to look. Like I said – whole different group of personalities. At the restaurant I would have to say I would run in to very similar circumstances. Again these people are not dumb, just I am finding I am very unique in both crowds. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the positives of the past 6 months. Then stretching back to the wonderful changes in my life the past year. And lets pull it even farther – say the past 5 years.
Have you ever sat down and made a 5 year plan. You know, I’d like to be here by this date etc? I have found that most of the 5 year plans I have read involve weight loss and job title and financial status etc. But lets take a look back on each of our own 5 years. What did they really bring you? Maybe you did get job advancement, maybe you lost that weight, maybe you became a millionaire. But is that what really matters? Honestly what I would like to remember is finding my voice, finding my wings and flying like a sparrow singing my arrival wherever I go. Learning about ourselves that is really what we take with us each and every day, every moment. I am so happy I can converse with just about anyone. It is a skill I am very grateful to have learned especially seeing as my current professions would involve talking to everyone. .
I guess what I am trying to say is….all the hardship, the sleepless nights, the tears, the complete exhaustion, the complete and total heartbreak, the anxiety, the stress, the pain, the sore feet…they are all worth it because it has given me…strength, knowledge, passion, love, friends, and most of all freedom to be myself and know who that is.
So as I embark on yet another chapter of my ever growing book of life, I feel good, happy, excited and totally exhausted.
Wish me luck!