it is the end hence it is the beginning

Today is the 4th to last day for me before I embark on my little adventure and leave my little shop, for a bit anyways. I realized as I told a customer to report back on their upcoming trip to Disney World that I would never get to know that story. Who here would know that she went, I wouldn't get to hear stories, see photos enjoy in her trip to the happiest place on earth. 'I should tell one of the Baristas to make sure they ask,' I thought. Then my next thought was as follows, 'This is why I have to leave I feel responsible for these people. I need to make sure that they feel remembered, respected, wanted, this is why I have to leave, I have to remember that my happiness is important as well, that I count, I matter, I am wanted by if no one else myself.

When I got into this little shop I told myself 5 years, we celebrated our 5th Anniversary the beginning of this month. And what a 5 years they have been! I think back on who I was when. I was a shy shy shy little 22 year old who knew very little of the world. I knew nothing about coffee, and had not a single idea on how to run a business. I was often flustered, I was often confused. My mother and I working side by side was so hard for both of us, trying to find a balance between mother & daughter / employee & boss. The first actual employees outside of the family, the training, the payroll, the taxes, the insurance, the ordering, the inventory, the firing, all of these things feeling my way through blindly.

This little shop has been so wonderfully good on so many levels. I learned who I was, I feel like I might have a slightly better grip on the world, as least I am not afraid of it anymore. The people that have come through this, my little corner of the world, have changed and shaped me. I have been graced with friends, true honest to goodness friends who love me and who I have no doubt will continue to do so until I die. I have learned (am still learning) what it is to love, I have learned (am still learning) what it is to lose, I have found a voice, my voice, and I am not afraid of it. I have found how much I can take, and I found what it is to break. I found happiness and sadness, well I could continue but I'm thinking you get the general idea. I am both stronger and meeker since the doors opened on that auspicious March day in 2006.

On one hand I am very excited, I get to go discover myself in a different way, here is a newer version of me advancing into the great unknown. Before I was so naive but now I have knowledge to back up my leaps (I leap quickly and with quite some length). On the other hand I have this sense of failure. I feel like I am being weak, a pansy, a loser. I feel like I am just running away taking the easy way out. I know what I am doing is the right thing to do. Why is it that so often the right thing is the hard thing? I know that I need a break, I know that I need to care for myself, I know that it is actually better for the shop for me to be gone. But there is still that little voice, see, you knew you would fail why would you succeed? who are you anyways? Donald Trump? that rings in my head as I go to bed. I would like to say to that evil little voice DONALD TRUMP HAD TO START SOMEWHERE DIDN'T HE!?!?!? Not that I have any desire to be Mr Trump but I hope you catch my drift. :-)

At the end of the movie Eat Pray Love (I know you must all think I am obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert at this point but I promise out of all the things in the world I am obsessed with she is not one. However I do greatly admire her work) there is a line that says something like "if you view each person in your life as a teacher" I love that idea. Looking back on all my choices good and bad and all the people I have met along the way, those who have helped me those who have hurt me many of them are in (or not in my life anymore) because of this shop.

For all that these past 5 years have brought me I am grateful, yes in the end I am very grateful. I am scared and excited about the next phase. I will miss many people terribly during my absence. I will not miss others :-). I will find joy and happiness in my day again, I will remember how to breath, I will be stronger and better for this new chapter. I am sure there will be tears (I'm Italian I can't help but be emotional :-)), I am sure there will be laughter, I am sure I will both win and lose battles. But through it all I will have friends, love, and strength around me.

Wish me luck!

it is old friends

The last several days I have spent a bit of time with some good old friends. Each and every one of these people have known me for at least 15 years. I once read it is important to keep old friends around that way you never forget your childhood or whence you've come. I can't remember who wrote that bit but for me I think he spoke truth. There is something very relaxing, almost settling about being around people who have known you so long. They knew me trough my awkward puberty, they knew me through my arrogant teen years, and they accept me still as I am today. I realize I am quite lucky to have people like that in my life. So thank you to old friends may our friendship last many more years to come. And here's to new friends may we create memories to become old friends in the future!
* that final line made me laugh but I'm afraid it's 6am and I cannot think of a better way to word it :-)


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it is a fleeting memory

This morning as I was driving into work a song on the radio mentioned holding someone's hand. I remembered the first time I held Adam's hand I had reached out in urgency to prove a point and just when I was about to pull away I noticed he was staring at our hands clasped in front of us which is when I realized we were in fact holding hands. :-) I still get that little knot in my stomach thinking about the happy moments we had. Then comes the pain of all that was destroyed and the heartache that followed all the joy. There is not a single bit of me that doubts we are not supposed to be together. But still he is sometimes missed.


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it is female insanity

Dear heavens - Sometimes I wish that I, well, was perfect :-). Which of course I realize I will never achieve. Ugh I hate it when all my faults seem to come to the surface in one big voluminous eruption of crazy. You know that part in You've Got Mail when she finally lets Tom Hanks have it, all her rage and stress and emotions just blast out of her, yeah totally went there. I am such an IDIOT sometimes! Sigh well maybe someday on this road of life discovery I'll figure out how to control my hormotions. But until that point I would like to apologize to all of you who I snapped on. I promise to try harder. < 3

it is life and boy if it isn't a messy one

these last few days have been exhausting. I don't know why. Every day I wake up I am more tired then when I went to sleep. I feel very very alone. I know I have said that before, but it is as true now as it was then. Possibly truer.

Life is MESSY. We should never be under the delusion that it is otherwise. Have you ever seen the movie About a Boy? One of my favorites. I should watch that tonight when I get home. Anyways. In this movie Hugh Grant believes that man is an island and men who decide to attach themselves to other people are going against nature. Then this boy comes along who after his mother attempts suicide decides that there needs to be more than 2 people in a family unit, that way if one person goes off the deep end there will still be someone to lean on and vice versa. He picks Hugh Grant to add to his family unit. Kids, they are often a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Anyways all this is to say the kid is right. THE ONLY WAY we will ever get through this life is with someone to fight shoulder to shoulder with us. Some one who can take the lead if our arm gets tired of holding the machete and cutting the spiderwebs (this reminds me of a Gwen Stephanie song :-)). We all need someone else and in my exhausted, over extended, stressed past all reasoning state I am just wondering....where is this person?

it is a circle

Last year I read Eat, Pray, Love. Great book, even though I am sure some of you have differing opinions but after all are entitled. During her travels to Bali she visits an old medicine man, Ketut, he was talking about meditation and in his meditation he has gone both down and up, meaning he has gone both to heaven and hell. When asked what hell is like he stated it is the same as heaven, love. He said the difference is that to get to heaven you go through seven happy places while to get hell you go through seven sad places. At first when I read this I thought - CRAZY! There is a place for good people and a place for bad. Hitler is in hell, Mother Theresa is in heaven. End of story. I have often thought about this idea. Tossed it back and forth in my head, could it possibly be right? My father has often told me that we should always leave room in our thinking for the possibility that we are wrong. I often fail but I at least attempt. The little church group that has prominence in our town focuses a lot of their practice on the end times. They are very caught up in the final battle, signs of evil and and the like. A friend of mine stated, do they know that Jesus defeated the devil already? Of course we have all heard the story, Jesus having been willing to go to the cross defeated death and all it's power. He then went down and fought with the devil and rose victorious. Right. OK. BUT there are still bad people in the world, women who pimp out their kids for drugs, men who beat and rape their wives, people who plan mass murders, children who murder children, politicians who conduct genocide, religious who promote suicide don't these people DESERVE to go to hell? I was reading my current thrill "Borrower of the Night" by Elizabeth Peters and in it she was describing the torture the peasants were put through during the Peasant's Revolt in Germany during the great schism of the church. As she was describing these people who implemented this torture I thought to myself 'Oh I hope these people are burning right now.' WHAT?! Becca why are you wishing ill on these people that God loves just as much as you? In that moment was I any better then the torturers, I was wanting them to be burning for all eternity in a terrible place where their sins would be rubbed in their face over and over again. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT! If I believe that I deserve grace then don't these humble beings as well? Would I like my sins and imperfections rubbed in my face day after day forever and ever? If we really want to be honest all of us deserve to rot in a dungeon for the pain we have caused on God's creation. We hurt our friends, we say mean things to our families, we treat our "enemies" like they are the devil. I know I have been guilty of all of the above and more. If God loves each and every one of us equally and He loves us all unconditionally then wouldn't his forgiveness extend very very far past the reaches of mine? Remember the murderer who was hanging on the cross? Jesus forgave him in an instant with the full knowledge of what he had done. Catholics believe in purgatory, easiest way I grasp it is a cleansing of the soul to be prepared to see God. So let's take that into consideration in regards to Ketut's idea of the circle. Maybe he is right. Maybe the really mean people spend a long time in the 7 sad places before they get to sit in the all encompassing power of God's love where as the general population gets to go through the 7 happy places. Or maybe he was smoking too much hookah (I have no idea if he smokes hookah) one day. I don't know, doubtful I ever will but it is a thought worth pondering.

it is prison

I am sitting here watching CSI poaching internet off of a neighbor all curled up on my sofa. This episode takes place in prison. I always love these episodes, they always seem a little bit more intense or exciting. My theory behind this added entertainment is because prison is a world so beyond myself, a subkingdom in the US that I know very little about. In psych class in college the teacher was talking about the US prison system and what part worked and why it most often didn't. It was an interesting debate, how often people get better care in prison hence making it a "good idea" to stay in. Fascinating. To me it seems like the ABSOLUTELY WORST idea ever. I was talking to a new friend the other day and he told me he had been arrested twice. Once was in TX and his 12 hold was the longest 12 hours of his life. The other was in his home state and it was highly enjoyable, good food, friends from high school etc. I was arrested once (SURPRISE!) it was for a non-payment of a ticket, actually I had payed the ticket but late and I did the math wrong (CURSE MY MATH INABILITY), anyway I cried and cried and cried. It was SO humiliating. When I told my friend this he laughed and laughed and laughed :-). I did not have to stay in jail, I was released and told to pay my fine within the week. But it was one of the worst experiences in my life. All this is to say I NEVER wish to be on the inside of a prison cell. I will stick with my CSI fix :-)

it is pansyness

Life is often hard. I feel like I've said this before :-). I have a good life. I have family and friends who love me. I have a roof over my head, critters that I can love and care for, an almost unlimited supply of coffee. Yet there is stress in my life. I know people who have a harder life than I and when I have a breakdown and then think about them I feel like a pansy. I think I might be a pansy. Huh, well what am I going to do about this pansyness?

it is the passing of time

Einstein said the reason for time is so that everything does not happen at once.

My life, though it is barely yet lived has been full. Full of love, full of pain, full of laughter, full of joy, full of tears, full of friends, of family, of peace, of distress. And all of these things come with the passing of time. As time passes we change. As time passes water cuts stone and creates canyons. Sometimes, well I'll be honest often, I am impatient I want things to happen to move to be done NOW. :-) I highly doubt I will ever master this virtue.

I have had a great life. Better than most. I have people in my life I can rely on. I have love around every corner. I am secure in who I am and who I have been shaped to be. However I still get scared, I still feel insecure, and I still need love. As my time here on this lonely planet continues on I am constantly amused and amazed. It makes the Greek belief that we were created for the gods to have something to watch as their eternity lulled on understandable.

My life is moving forward I am entering into a new chapter, the closing chapter to this volume of my life. I am both scared and excited to see what time will bring me. Time will only tell.