it is a fleeting memory

This morning as I was driving into work a song on the radio mentioned holding someone's hand. I remembered the first time I held Adam's hand I had reached out in urgency to prove a point and just when I was about to pull away I noticed he was staring at our hands clasped in front of us which is when I realized we were in fact holding hands. :-) I still get that little knot in my stomach thinking about the happy moments we had. Then comes the pain of all that was destroyed and the heartache that followed all the joy. There is not a single bit of me that doubts we are not supposed to be together. But still he is sometimes missed.


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it is female insanity

Dear heavens - Sometimes I wish that I, well, was perfect :-). Which of course I realize I will never achieve. Ugh I hate it when all my faults seem to come to the surface in one big voluminous eruption of crazy. You know that part in You've Got Mail when she finally lets Tom Hanks have it, all her rage and stress and emotions just blast out of her, yeah totally went there. I am such an IDIOT sometimes! Sigh well maybe someday on this road of life discovery I'll figure out how to control my hormotions. But until that point I would like to apologize to all of you who I snapped on. I promise to try harder. < 3

it is life and boy if it isn't a messy one

these last few days have been exhausting. I don't know why. Every day I wake up I am more tired then when I went to sleep. I feel very very alone. I know I have said that before, but it is as true now as it was then. Possibly truer.

Life is MESSY. We should never be under the delusion that it is otherwise. Have you ever seen the movie About a Boy? One of my favorites. I should watch that tonight when I get home. Anyways. In this movie Hugh Grant believes that man is an island and men who decide to attach themselves to other people are going against nature. Then this boy comes along who after his mother attempts suicide decides that there needs to be more than 2 people in a family unit, that way if one person goes off the deep end there will still be someone to lean on and vice versa. He picks Hugh Grant to add to his family unit. Kids, they are often a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Anyways all this is to say the kid is right. THE ONLY WAY we will ever get through this life is with someone to fight shoulder to shoulder with us. Some one who can take the lead if our arm gets tired of holding the machete and cutting the spiderwebs (this reminds me of a Gwen Stephanie song :-)). We all need someone else and in my exhausted, over extended, stressed past all reasoning state I am just wondering....where is this person?

it is a circle

Last year I read Eat, Pray, Love. Great book, even though I am sure some of you have differing opinions but after all are entitled. During her travels to Bali she visits an old medicine man, Ketut, he was talking about meditation and in his meditation he has gone both down and up, meaning he has gone both to heaven and hell. When asked what hell is like he stated it is the same as heaven, love. He said the difference is that to get to heaven you go through seven happy places while to get hell you go through seven sad places. At first when I read this I thought - CRAZY! There is a place for good people and a place for bad. Hitler is in hell, Mother Theresa is in heaven. End of story. I have often thought about this idea. Tossed it back and forth in my head, could it possibly be right? My father has often told me that we should always leave room in our thinking for the possibility that we are wrong. I often fail but I at least attempt. The little church group that has prominence in our town focuses a lot of their practice on the end times. They are very caught up in the final battle, signs of evil and and the like. A friend of mine stated, do they know that Jesus defeated the devil already? Of course we have all heard the story, Jesus having been willing to go to the cross defeated death and all it's power. He then went down and fought with the devil and rose victorious. Right. OK. BUT there are still bad people in the world, women who pimp out their kids for drugs, men who beat and rape their wives, people who plan mass murders, children who murder children, politicians who conduct genocide, religious who promote suicide don't these people DESERVE to go to hell? I was reading my current thrill "Borrower of the Night" by Elizabeth Peters and in it she was describing the torture the peasants were put through during the Peasant's Revolt in Germany during the great schism of the church. As she was describing these people who implemented this torture I thought to myself 'Oh I hope these people are burning right now.' WHAT?! Becca why are you wishing ill on these people that God loves just as much as you? In that moment was I any better then the torturers, I was wanting them to be burning for all eternity in a terrible place where their sins would be rubbed in their face over and over again. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT! If I believe that I deserve grace then don't these humble beings as well? Would I like my sins and imperfections rubbed in my face day after day forever and ever? If we really want to be honest all of us deserve to rot in a dungeon for the pain we have caused on God's creation. We hurt our friends, we say mean things to our families, we treat our "enemies" like they are the devil. I know I have been guilty of all of the above and more. If God loves each and every one of us equally and He loves us all unconditionally then wouldn't his forgiveness extend very very far past the reaches of mine? Remember the murderer who was hanging on the cross? Jesus forgave him in an instant with the full knowledge of what he had done. Catholics believe in purgatory, easiest way I grasp it is a cleansing of the soul to be prepared to see God. So let's take that into consideration in regards to Ketut's idea of the circle. Maybe he is right. Maybe the really mean people spend a long time in the 7 sad places before they get to sit in the all encompassing power of God's love where as the general population gets to go through the 7 happy places. Or maybe he was smoking too much hookah (I have no idea if he smokes hookah) one day. I don't know, doubtful I ever will but it is a thought worth pondering.

it is prison

I am sitting here watching CSI poaching internet off of a neighbor all curled up on my sofa. This episode takes place in prison. I always love these episodes, they always seem a little bit more intense or exciting. My theory behind this added entertainment is because prison is a world so beyond myself, a subkingdom in the US that I know very little about. In psych class in college the teacher was talking about the US prison system and what part worked and why it most often didn't. It was an interesting debate, how often people get better care in prison hence making it a "good idea" to stay in. Fascinating. To me it seems like the ABSOLUTELY WORST idea ever. I was talking to a new friend the other day and he told me he had been arrested twice. Once was in TX and his 12 hold was the longest 12 hours of his life. The other was in his home state and it was highly enjoyable, good food, friends from high school etc. I was arrested once (SURPRISE!) it was for a non-payment of a ticket, actually I had payed the ticket but late and I did the math wrong (CURSE MY MATH INABILITY), anyway I cried and cried and cried. It was SO humiliating. When I told my friend this he laughed and laughed and laughed :-). I did not have to stay in jail, I was released and told to pay my fine within the week. But it was one of the worst experiences in my life. All this is to say I NEVER wish to be on the inside of a prison cell. I will stick with my CSI fix :-)

it is pansyness

Life is often hard. I feel like I've said this before :-). I have a good life. I have family and friends who love me. I have a roof over my head, critters that I can love and care for, an almost unlimited supply of coffee. Yet there is stress in my life. I know people who have a harder life than I and when I have a breakdown and then think about them I feel like a pansy. I think I might be a pansy. Huh, well what am I going to do about this pansyness?

it is the passing of time

Einstein said the reason for time is so that everything does not happen at once.

My life, though it is barely yet lived has been full. Full of love, full of pain, full of laughter, full of joy, full of tears, full of friends, of family, of peace, of distress. And all of these things come with the passing of time. As time passes we change. As time passes water cuts stone and creates canyons. Sometimes, well I'll be honest often, I am impatient I want things to happen to move to be done NOW. :-) I highly doubt I will ever master this virtue.

I have had a great life. Better than most. I have people in my life I can rely on. I have love around every corner. I am secure in who I am and who I have been shaped to be. However I still get scared, I still feel insecure, and I still need love. As my time here on this lonely planet continues on I am constantly amused and amazed. It makes the Greek belief that we were created for the gods to have something to watch as their eternity lulled on understandable.

My life is moving forward I am entering into a new chapter, the closing chapter to this volume of my life. I am both scared and excited to see what time will bring me. Time will only tell.

FISHIES!

Welcome Home Beowulf and Hrothgar :-)

it's been a long while

I have been trying to hash out this blog for weeks and with no luck. So here is a very possibly failed attempt but I need to get it out of my head.

February has been an interesting month. I'm not sure how to explain all that I have gone through this month. I finally feel like I have walked away happily from Adam. The final straw was place on the camel's back and it broke me, crumpled me. But when I got up there was no weight on me at all, not a shred. It was quite relieving actually.

I joined a chat site because I was bored. I met some entertaining people, I was proposed to twice, asked to take my shirt off countless times, asked to fly to wherever to have sex with whomever. I wasn't bored anymore, saying no to countless suitors does boost the ego and provide a laugh :-). There are a lot of interesting people in the world. Three weeks of this entertainment proved to be enough and I left the site. Before I did however I met a really nice guy. I hope his life turns out wonderfully. He deserves it.

I'm exceptionally tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people. Yesterday two customers had a 30 minute conversation about the end of the world, what foods should you plant, how should it be distributed yadayadayada this is an almost daily occurrence. The other day some friends and I drove through the caves at Park University it was then stated that when the apocalypse comes this is where one of my friends is planning on living and that some of his friends were already stockpiling food to feed the city for up to two years. This whole town lives for the end. I have been told countless times my numerous people that they are just tired of waiting and that they pray Jesus would come back today, this week, this month, soon, so that they can be together in perfect harmony. The friends of mine who have made this statement swear it is not suicidal, I think they have lost it. Why not live life? Why not enjoy the short time we have here? Why are they living for the end? This whole community of "Christians" are living a life focused on death, not the life that God has given them and I am tired of hearing about it. "Did you see the lights over Jerusalem? It means the end is coming!" "Did you hear what so&so prophet said on such&such website? It means the end is near!" "Did you hear about the potential solar storm? It means the end is near!" Did you see the grass is green?? It means the end is near!" I am so tired of hearing about death and destruction. I feel that they are missing out on incredible gifts God has given them in this life because they are focused on the hereafter.

I am well aware that location does not make one happy, nor better. However I feel stagnant where I am in now. I need a change, which is a lot coming from a person who generally avoids change and has freak outs when plans lurch in a different direction, but I think it is time.

My mother asked me a few weeks ago what my goals were in life, the conclusion was made I was goal-less. Which is true. I don't really see this as a bad thing, it is just where I am at in my life. I am aware that this lack of direction may be causing some of my anxiety of late however I don't see the point of having a goal that is determined by someone else's life seeing as I have no control over that at all.

I am amazed at the number of people who have never fallen in love. Even married ones, even people who are married to each other. I am not saying that these people do not love each other in their marriage, they do. But they never felt that dizzy, head over heels, crazy, out of their mind, passionate, life won't be the same without you feeling. For all that we are taught growing up with all the princess stories and songs and movies, and books few people I know ever actually fell in love, and if they did they very rarely married that person. My whole world regarding love, and lets face it my world has a lot to do with love, has been shaken. I don't know what I actually think on the subject. I would like to say all those people who fell in love with someone else, had their heart broken and then married the next comparable mate is a fool, but seeing as I have no actual experience regarding this and I am human therefore prone to err I would have to say I may be wrong. I would like to say to all those people that married because it was the next logical step, or who married because "God" told them to they are freaking morons, but because I have no experience in this situation and because, as I stated before, I am human I must say I may be wrong.

I feel that the more I learn about life the less I know about it. Wasn't it Galileo who said the more he learned about the universe the more confident he was that there was a god? Because in all it's vastness we more mortals could not even hope to comprehend? I think he is right, about God and the mere mortals statement. We are so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of the whole universe, made up of gazillions of stars, billions of galaxies, trillions of planets and millions of life forms. And yet we are able to gather so much beauty in our short little lives.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about what we wanted or rather needed to be happy. I know I have said this often, but I don't want to be the biggest fish in the biggest pond. I just want to be a happy fish in my little pond. Do I need a million dollar mansion and hundreds of acres with dozens of horses all out on parade all the time? An Adonis for a husband and perfect beautiful children? No. No I do not need that, nor do I want that. I want my horses in my back yard and a man who loves me who has actually fallen in love with me and I with him (I am well aware that this might be a terribly silly hopeless romantic idea but I am going to hold to it for now until proven otherwise), maybe kids I am constantly going back and forth on this sometimes yes sometimes no more often yes lately (Mom I guess you were right), I'm not afraid of hard work I'll help the household as needed, I am not afraid of hard times I'll go to hell and back if needed. But that is really it. Just a little slice of happiness in my pond wherever that pond may end up being.