it is a gorilla

So here I am walking around the Omaha Zoo. It's fantastic. Oh course as I pass the Silver Back Gorilla I start thinking of him and start to cry. Why was it that I was so sure he cared about me that he liked me was it all a lie? And then I start thinking I need to talk to him. But what am I going to say? What can I say. What do I want out of the conversation? I want him but A) he doesn't want me and B) why do I want somebody who doesn't want me. This then goes back to the whole Freddy complex as discussed in a previous blog. Of course she ends up deciding that it is better to be with someone who loves you than to be with someone you love but doesn't love you. But is that right? Shouldn't it go both ways? Does it?


-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

it is house

I have watched 6 seasons of House MD in the past three weeks. Yes that's right, I have spent over 140 hours with Dr. House and his crew since Aug 15th. I picked up a season instead of chocolate ice cream, a coping mechanism I picked up years ago (which is why those of you who have been to my house surely have noticed the massive pile of DVDs). I discovered that when I am stressed and cannot deal with a situation movies and TV tend to help me process a whole heck of a lot better than sweets. And another plus is they don't tend to add pounds to my waist :-).
As I was saying, I picked up a season of House MD to help me process my broken heart. And one season led to two and then three by the time I finished the third season I decided that when I finished the 6th I would have clarity and be able to start functioning in the real world and not be lost in my head anymore. So here is a blog to tell you, if you care to read it, what I learned while watching 6 seasons of House MD.

*Friends are wonderful. Ari and Jen were trading shifts watching the saga unfold and as things would come up and prompt me to talk they were there for me. Thank you.

*It is never sarcoidosis no matter how much the symptoms point to it, or no matter how much you want it to be it never is sarcoidosis.

*Forgiveness is often hard to come by.

* Love is really what matters at the end of the day. Without it we will be incredibly lost and alone. And no matter how hard it is for us to show love we must.

*Contrary to House's belief God is very important to us wee mortals.

*This life we lead is not a test.

*I am more like House than I originally thought, I may not be a great puzzler or a genius however if there is a question I must find the answer a little obsessively actually.

When the season finale for season 6 played across my TV at 1230 last night I laid in bed and cried and prayed for about an hour. Following the emotional outbusrt I fell into a fitful night's sleep full of dreams and wishes of things that would never be. I woke in tears wondering if it was worth getting out of bed, wondering if people really would care if there was no coffee for them this morning. And then my dog stood on my stomach and wagged her tail to be let outside, so I got up. I got to work and I realized I was actually happy not joyous down to my core, not the same happy I had felt the past 5 months but I was able to enjoy the customers coming in, the old men with there same terrible jokes the cyclists on their pit-stop, I was actually enjoying the busyness that was around me. I was actually smiling a real smile for the first time in weeks, I actually felt OK. I am not expecting this to be the cure to my heartache, I am quite sure tonight will be very hard to fall asleep in the silence that engulfs me. I am quite sure I will dream and possibly awake in tears again. But I am quite confident I will get better, eventually. Three days ago I wasn't quite sure, I went outside and watched a storm blow past from my patio, a friend drove past and saw me outside and stopped to say hello she was in the neighborhood for a random reason and when she saw me she felt it pressed on her heart to come talk, she let me cry and she talked me through some pain. When she left I felt not quite as alone, I know its silly I've had friends around me constantly supporting me and helping me as I try to wrap my head around the rejection I've been feeling and this massive sense of loss. But I've felt alone, I felt that God has actually quit trying to reach me that all that He had said the past few months I had misinterpreted, that I was being a typical silly human and read into signs what I wanted to. I was rethinking my faith, maybe thats the wrong way to put it, I was rethinking how I believed. I here I was on my sofa a friend just happened to come by in one of my darkest hours, maybe God still does care.

17

'The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. "

-A. Einstein

It is uncertainty

I was listening to the Ingrid Michaelson song "Locked Up" this morning and realized it ties into my earlier post about loving enough. Basically she is doubting whether or not her decisions regarding love are because she is fighting for her true love or if she just has locked her heart away so she is incapable of loving enough. It's quite the dilemma really. How do we ever know if we pulled the plug too soon? Did we risk enough? Hurt enough? Give enough? Nothing is ever black and white and I guess we can never be 100% sure. Too bad eh? Wouldn't it be great if we had the ability to know if we were just wasting our time or if we should keep working at it. There is a movie I watched the other day called "Timer" the basic plot line is there is a chip implanted in your wrist with a countdown to when you will meet your true love, well your most compatible mate. When you come in contact with him/her the timer makes a happy little song. Takes all the guess work out of it. I'm not asking for something quite so extreme but say after a failed attempt God could say "That's ok he/she was your second best you'll be fine." But what if you give up on your best and you end up with your second best? What then? Your life I'm sure would be happy, great even. But it could have been better if you worked a little harder, tried a little longer, loved a little more.

-- Posted From My iPhone so please excuse the typos!

EE Cummings

it is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms where new lights begin and increase,
since your mind has walked into my kiss as a stranger into the streets and colours of a town-

that i have perhaps forgotten
how, always(from these hurrying crudities of blood and flesh)Love coins His most gradual gesture

and whittles life to enternity

- after which our separating selves become museums filled with skillfully stuffed memories

i fell in love

in this little adventure of discovering myself i fell in love. he's a great guy, but he doesn't love me. so after i bashed my head into the wall a few times i came to this realization and decided to end the emotional drama that is has created in the past 5 months. that being said the dream i used to have as a child where i would fly off the top of the roller coaster and crash to my death amongst a crowd of tourists, yeah it feels pretty much like that.

i have been watching a lot of House MD lately its good therapy for me to engulf myself in some sort of fictional drama to keep my mind off of me (addiction is a coping mechanism and comes in many forms). Unfortunately for me House reminds me of, well lets call him Adam. No he is not rude just to be rude, no he is not an ass on a general occasion, and no he is not a Dr. However he does want to live his life out singly and solitarily alone. Even if he says he doesn't.

This morning I was catching up on TV thanks to HULU and as I was watching Lie To Me I realized that in every TV show I love to watch there is an arrogant SOB who happens to be brilliant (Adam is that as well by the way, brilliant not arrogant) who i happen to find attraction to, their characters are the reason i watch these shows. In Scrubs I loved JD but I watched it for Dr. Cox. Criminal Minds, I have a massive soft spot for Hotchner. The other thing all of these characters have in common is that they are lone wolves. The funny thing about it is that they all need people, we all do, but they are so desperately afraid of admitting it that they are constantly keeping people at arms length. And so like Foster, Cuddy, Wilson, Zoe, JD, Cameron, Carla, and so on and so forth I opened up my heart and it was not reciprocated. So what did I do? I tried again and again more vulnerable, more open, more honest, more truthful, more caring, more forgiving and again rejection.

There is a song by Mumford and Sons (White Blank Page) that goes something like this; You did not think before you pushed me to the brink, You wanted my attention but denied my affection, tell me where it was my fault for loving you with my whole heart. I so thought it was right, I wanted to grow old with him, I wanted to have a life, a happy and full wonderful life. The sad part is I think we could have. He fit into every aspect of my life, he's everything I ever wanted in a man, he made me feel safe and happy, so happy, i could trust him, he never judged me, he made all of my insecurities go away, I was brave around him. I felt beautiful and strong in the weakest of ways.

It's been 4 days, 4 long terrible days. Not sleeping, not eating, a lot of crying a lot of thinking and no communication. I know that if he wanted me he would want to fight for me. I want him to fight for me I want him to call me and say lets talk about it. But he won't because he doesn't want me. That is what hurts the most, that someone i love and care for so deeply, someone that i want to be in my life doesn't want to be in mine. Of course the fact that he hasn't call that he isn't fighting for me is proof that I made the right choice, he very possibly would have drug it on for months or years and then where would I be? But the silly part is I still want him, I want him to call to get mad at me to yell at me to apologize to me to just see how I am doing, SOMETHING! I want him in my life! If he was to ask right now I wouldn't be able to tell him no. I know I would need things to be different but I would still want to give it another try. The last line of the song says; But lead me to the truth and I will follow you for my whole life. It's true, I would.

it is to love enough

As some of you may know about 5 years ago I was in a car accident. I could have been hurt much worse than I was, I like to say my guardian angel was very flat that day as he stepped between me and the cement mixer. Like any person who comes face to face with their mortality I look at life differently than I did before.

In the priest's homily a couple of weeks ago he was talking about giving last rites to the elderly and how many of them share their regrets with him. He said most of the time their regrets are not that they didn't live enough, see enough or become enough, but that they didn't love enough, love more. He also stated that he believed when we die God will ask us if we became all that he intended for us. If God is love than he wants us to be love. So in theory if God asks us if we strove to become who he intended us to be wouldn't that in essence be this question, did you love like I did?

Since our creation we have believed in love. Adam walking in the garden with God himself was lonely and so God created Eve to complete his creation. Plato said that we were created with 4 legs, 4 arms and two faces and Zeus was afraid of our strength so he split us in half sending us into a constant search to complete ourselves. The Greeks also said that love was invented by the gods purely for their entertainment. For how much we know, how much we have learned there is still so much the human race doesn't know about love, and we are constantly searching. Shakespeare, Aristotle, fairy tales, music, cinema, literature, Freud, Jung have all made stabs at what love is, how we fall in love, why we fall in love with who we do, what makes marriage work, why marriages fall apart. Watching TV and movies romances always work out, why? Because the characters already know the ending, of course they are going to keep talking after she just offended him they are supposed to end up together so they will keep at it, their lines are scripted to match the other persons psyche and personality. But in real life we mess up, well at least I do. We react from our own perception and view points rather than the others. It is only natural we are all at the center of our own reality. But often in what we say, how we feel or how we act/react we hurt the other person, push them away or ruin something that could be good. Our lives aren't scripted out in advance our characters are not matched to each other. In my little shop I watch people, its a relatively small group of people in the grand scheme of the world but they are an interesting bunch let me tell you. Over the years I have watched them fall in love, get their hearts broken, get married, have children, get divorced. The only thing I think I have learned from all my watching is that there are as many types of relationships as there are people. Each one of them falls in love with different qualities than I would, each one of them breaks up over issues that I might not necessarily see to be a problem. I am rather ignorant on romantic love as far as personal experience goes. I'm still learning but I have a sneaky suspicion that I will never stop learning about love.

I do however know a bit about platonic love. Plato stated that it is the purest form of love that love between the same sex was perfect because there was no physical hang up, what I like to call the "when harry met sally" issue. My girlfriends have taught me much about love, forgiveness, understanding, patience, trust, hurt. Without their friendships I would not be the same person.

My family also has taught me a lot about love. What it means to stick through the hard times, learn from each other, how to love through change. Without their constant love and support I would not be able to show love and support to anyone else.

At the end of the day I guess the question I have for myself is; do I love enough? Do I risk enough for love? Will I live my life without the regret of not loving enough?

16

i had a birthday yesterday. so i guess i am now a year older. funny, it only felt like a day...

15

coffee is good