it is my answer to my question

A couple of weeks ago I was making a coffee run on a beautiful spring day (in January) to a small retreat center behind this pond (that they call a lake). This retreat center is owned by a local church organization that has kindof taken over our town. They are not bad people and without them economically our town would have died a long time ago. Though I do often find myself disagreeing with their doctrine and theology. Thousands of people flock to this organization from all around the world. Which is cool because I get to meet people from all around the world. I have always wondered though what this "church" has that others don't. Its not really their theology, most non-denominational evangelical churches have many the same views. Its not their "colleges" unaccredited and taught by non PhD wielding smart-pantses. Its not their "prayer rooms" because really anyone can pray anywhere in the universe at any point in time. So what is it? Throughout recent history the Judea-Christian religion has always had some sort or "movement" running through it. And they always come in like the tide and go out the same way. But again my question has been why? Why the Jesus movement in the 60's and 70's, revival tents in the 30's and 40's (and then some)? As I was driving to the little house on the pond it hit me. A sense of belonging. That is why these people flock to this establishment. They are welcome as long as they fit into their click. There were neighbors talking having heated religious debate, joggers praying, a lady walking and reading her Bible. And that was it, these people were longing for a sense of belonging, that someone else is like them and that they know where that person is coming from, that they share their pain. We all as humans are constantly trying to fit in with people, since we were very little. As soon as are parents shoved us out into the great big world of play dates, day care, preschool etc we have tried to find friends, fit in with the crowd. In high school it is painfully evident, the clicks, the popular kids vs the outcasts, drama vs music. Hopefully as we get older we establish our own list of beliefs values morals etc. But there is still that need to not be alone. Say I believe that all paper should be pale yellow while the rest of the world seems to think white is the answer to all professional uses of paper. OK so I am at a paper convention and everyone is talking about how great paper is and how beautiful and crisp white a new package of xerox is, I'm not going to step out and say hey, wouldn't it be great if all paper was a tad yellow. No, bad example. I guess what I am trying to say is I get it, I finally get it. I understand why these people follow blindly after their leader, why they flock to one location to sit and wait for further guidance. Its because they feel like in this little corner of the world they belong, they have a purpose in something bigger than themselves, they feel like they have a community around them that will support them throughout the rest of their lives here on earth. And really who can blame them because don't we all do that in our own lives, even if in very small ways?

it is a sad portrayal

I went last night to go see He's Just Not that into you with my girlfriends and it was a terrible film I don't recommend anyone go and see it. Every single man in this film was an unmitigated ass. They tied much of their relationships around sex whether or not he or she was sleeping with you and at what point in the dating relationship should you have sex with a person and if that was not happening then you should probably get out of said relationship because that mean he/she doesn't like you. And why were these girls having groping make out sessions on the first meeting? Not even date but random meetings in bars. Don't they know that that is how most women are raped murdered beaten and dumped in central park? As a whole it made you want to swear off men feeling that all of them would eventually cheat on you, lie to you, turn into couch potatoes and not care about you and that all men were basically horny beasts. If I were a man I would be furious to be portrayed in such a light. As a single female I felt very happy to be single and not have to deal with their view of the dating scene. The single girls in this movie had such a lack of confidence in themselves they were pathetic. Every single one of them tied their identities into whether or not they had a man. Is that really what single-dom is about? I thought we where empowered women who don't need a man. Where we can fight for equal rights in the work place, that we did not need a man to tell us we are great, we are on our own. That our relationships were relationships of equals. Well apparently i was horridly mistaken.

it is a two person dance

A not so frequent flier came in the other day and when I asked how she was she stated that she had left her husband. When I asked if she thinks that the issues were something that could be worked through she said she had given him the ultimatum to get help or not so she was waiting to see. And then she states, and you know my boyfriend has been giving me grief too... OK so does anyone else see the problem here? I knew a couple several years ago who were getting a divorce because they were too good friends. They never fought the wife said. And he made enough money so all she had to do was run around and do her pet projects. In my mind an excellent marriage, but the wife was bored so she moved out, he was crushed. Another customer has said to me that her husband is not as attentive as she would want him to be. And another has stated that her husband of 11 years has been dictating her life. The thing is I think that if these people would really just stop and think about both sides of the relationship they would see that the other party is not entirely to blame. Somewhere in the Bible it says pull the log out of your own eye before you try to pull the speck from your brothers. I am not sure people pay enough attention to this piece of knowledge. The first customer I mentioned said that she has been waiting 9 years for him to change but they have only been married 7 so that would imply that he had these problems before they wed. The wife who feels her husband doesn't show enough affection? He was that way when they got married and in fact she is well aware of that. The best friends? I will bet you $100 that they got married because they were best friends and that friendship had blossomed into something deeper. The wife who feels her husband is controlling I know for a fact married him for that reason. The point I am trying to make is maybe we are too quick to judge the faults of others than to lay part of that blame on ourselves. A psychology teacher of mine once said, 'Men marry women and want them to stay the same, women marry men planning on changing them.'

it is a girl thing

I have a friend who is very much so tied up in her femininity. The thing is though I think she is really tied up on her sense of fashion or as she believes the lack there of. This friend feels that one of our mutual acquaintances is not feminine because she doesn't do up her hair, wear a bunch of make-up etc etc. In defense of this person she does do all those things just not often. I have a very close friend of mine who does her hair every morning, wears all the right clothes etc etc. But does that make her more feminine than the one who does it only on occasion? Merriam-Webster states, that feminine is a characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women (ie; feminine beauty or a feminine perspective). Femininity is the quality or nature of the female sex. While effeminate is having feminine qualities untypical of a man : not manly in appearance or manner. So with all that it sounds to me that my friend is really trying to show outward effeminacy, though someone has told her that is what it is to be feminine. This friend of mine considers me to be feminine, when I never wear makeup can often be found slumming in sweats and am pretty comfortable around dirt. So what is it that makes me feminine? Is it my emotional state of being? My love of flip flops and high heels? One of my dearest friends is a blonde vixen. She doesn't consider herself feminine at all, yet she has men falling over themselves while around her. Are there as many definitions of feminine as there are women in the world? Are fashion models more feminine than Midwest house wives? Is outward appearance the only thing that makes you feminine or not? Is it internal? Genetic? Emotional? Hormonal? Do you realize the wars that are being fought right now are because of the different views of femininity? Is it that important?

it is only human

I have this employee, Jessica, and she is an incredible woman. She is so strong, the things in life she has had to deal with seem so hard, emotionally and physically. And yet she still smiles, gives a hug, is there to support others. She is truly amazing. I don't know if people understand sometime how easy their life is. There is nothing more amusing to me when people attempt to empathize with a story of their own and then once the story is told all you can do is stare at them for thinking that what this other person is going through is anything like what they experienced. I don't lead the easiest life, nor do I lead the hardest. I think the point I am trying to make is that it is astounding what we little humans can endure. And at the same time how we can blow the small things way out of proportion. My sister met this professor who compared everything to HIV kids in Africa. Funny as it was to hear him constantly say this he makes a valid point. Maybe sometimes in life we just have to see someone worse off then us to realize how good we have it. Maybe we shouldn't sit and say poor me but instead reach out to assist someone else. Maybe we should when we are going through a hard time in our own lives focus on the smallest good that happened. Maybe we should try to look beyond our world and into another's for a change.

it is christmas

Have you ever noticed that all the holiday movies that come out every year always have people discovering the true meaning of Christmas, giving, sharing, loving, remembering. But it seems to be a lesson that is never truly taught. Why is it that we here, at least the people I run into in this little Midwestern town, still are missing the meaning of this time of year. I am constantly amazed at the human race's ability to turn something beautiful and wonderful into something controversial. Think about it. Love, we are constantly trying to find it in all the wrong places, and in fact to so much extent that many people it does not exist ( and I am not talking about romantic love, which that word could be considered used incorrectly when two perfect strangers "make love"). Children, little blessings, or so they should be. You have the one child rule in China, abortions all over the world, abused and battered (that of course could tie into love). How about religion, oh this is a good one. Think about all the wars fought on behalf of someone's god. Think about the mental anguish caused by someone attempting to be god-like (or what they assume is god-like). Let alone the people who are driven away from God because of asinine people taking authority and abusing it. Now lets take Christmas, because that is the season we are in, Christmas when first celebrated was a remarkable event. Christians would gather in secret and celebrate the fact that someone cared enough about them to come and save them. You see the whole point in being is that Christ, Jesus was already dead on the cross the very second he was conceived in Mary's womb. So you see Easter was already sworn in stone right there at that point. Now fast forward 2000 years and here we have it, a bunch of people buying gifts that will not be remember the following year. People spending money that they don't have. People complaining about their family members, Begrudging the time they get to spend with one another. Its sad really. In church yesterday Father's sermon was about love. True honest to goodness love. And he quoted from St Ignatius and he said he could just see 3 beings of God looking down on the earth and asking what would it take to teach their creation how to Love. I wish that people did know how to love. I wish I knew how.

Just some thoughts.

You know what is fantastic? Discovering why you are who you are. Thanking the people who helped mold you into an adult, forgiving those who held you back, laughing at the experiences that helped make you stronger, crying at the experiences that made you tougher. Accepting the pain, moving through it to find joy. Its wonderful. It has made me so grateful for the life that I have led. I am so thankful for my parents, while I complained about them being too strict growing up I now know that with out their guidance and without excepting that guidance I would seriously be a messed up soul. And the books that I read, I am so grateful good literature was instilled in me, I am grateful my Mom got me hooked on books. I am grateful for my parents instilling a good work ethic in me. I am thankful that we were poor growing up. I am thankful my parents let me be involved with horses. I am thankful for my sisters teaching me things simply by being a part of the family. I am thankful for my "friends" who used me and trampled on me so that I could know true friendship. I am grateful for Michael M for showing me how to live with a disease and still be one of the happiest people I knew. For Thomas F for showing me that you should always do what you truly love to do because you don't know how long you will have the chance. I am grateful for the cement truck driver for teaching me that life can be pushed off the tracks and that the effort to get it back on is hard but worth it in the end. I am grateful for the people at the "church" who successfully scarred my family and whose repercussions we and other families are still dealing with because with out them I wouldn't have learned about grace. Do you know those books Choose Your Own Adventure? I love playing that game with my life. I like to look back at some event that changed the course I was on and see what would not have happened if I had gone the other way. I always focus on the positive things because bad always comes with the good and if you think that no bad things would have happened while on the other adventure you are stupid. Like, if we hadn't moved to KC, I never would have met my best friends, I wouldn't own the horses that I do, I wouldn't have my dog, I wouldn't have my little house, I wouldn't have my scooter, I wouldn't have my own business. Just some thoughts.

I have decided I hate Blog Titles

Can you believe it is almost Christmas time?? I am so exceptionally excited, i love Christmas. I feel sorry for those who have been burned by the commercialization of the holiday and who cannot enjoy it anymore. I also feel sorry for the people who are caught up in that commercialization and enjoy for the wrong reasons. Yes don't get me wrong it is wonderful to give and to get but the true spirit of Christmas is not that. Funny that the first present of Christmas was the ultimate sacrifice, the giving of a life for a world that did not love that life or understand it and still doesn't. My roomy and I were talking a week or so ago and discussing the fact that so few people just live love and that if everyone in the world was to focus on that one thing there would be no wars, blood feuds, acts of terrorism or the like. But still we focus on our differences and are consistently at odds with each other. Throughout history we can see the repetitive nature of the human race. We think that we have advanced, and we have as far as technology goes but our true nature unfortunately has not advanced as much as I would have hoped it had. I find myself being as judgmental as the next and must ask for the worlds forgiveness. The fact is it is a struggle to really be love that is why it took God himself to show us what that meant. At this time of year we tend to focus on the down-trodden the poor and hopefully attempt to show charity to our fellows but a majority of us (at least American's and i would imagine a good chunk of the affluent world) focus on the presents the money spent and the remarkable amount of food consumed. The fact is the only reason the general population is at all giving in because of St. Nick, he lived love and he showed the the modern world what Christ meant. We can all be Christlike this year by following his example of giving unconditionally (note I did not say uncontrollably) and find the true meaning of Christmas is love.

Summer/Fall Photos