it is new

The current road I am on is full of uncertainty. I have more questions than I have answers. I am afraid of the unknown. If last year's goal was to teach me how to let go, this year is seemig to want me to learn to trust. As I'm heading down this path my only comfort is the call of the wild. I cannot wait to be surrounded by the silence that can only be found in the wood. I am certain I will find the answers in the quiet. 

it is 8months of learning

This month signifies 8 months of being with my man. Next month it will be a year since we met. That also means it will have been one year since I moved to Moab, started this amazing journey that changed my life forever. As always with life changing, growing and learning it has not been all sunshine. Of course the storms there are rainbows to remind us of God's love as we go through this journey. I am so grateful for the bravery I had to take the first huge step and pack up my car and head west. I continue to pray and learn to be brave, strong, gracious, kind, loving and a better person than I was yesterday. 

I painted this for my love, I definitely took some artistic liberties of how Tucson actually is but I wanted to show him how beautiful I find his home. Learning to love someone in all their places and with all their pieces has been a challenge for me but I am grateful I have a patient man by my side. And one of the things I love about him the most is that he always supports my art. Even though it's far from anything I actually consider art, he loves each piece ❤️

its a chance for life

This blog has been a long time coming. I wrote it 4 months ago when I left Moab and I just got around to editing it (though I'm sure its far from perfect but I'm going to go ahead and roll with it). The Summer I rode 31 horses I am quite certain my father thought I had lost my mind when I told him I was moving to Moab, UT. I had worked hard at my career for ten years, working my way up, just about to achieve my goal when I decided I didn’t want it. Not only did I not want it, I realized it might kill me if I got it. In fact, it had already begun to kill part of me. That realization came to me, on the floor of my shower screaming in pain as my heart broke and the man I loved disappeared from my life. After the tears subsided and I could breathe again I felt an overwhelming need to break free. I knew I needed a change. With a stubborn mind I set my course and started on my way. Selling or giving away everything that I didn’t need, I packed up my little car and planned to camp in Moab Utah for the next six months in hope of finding a job, an adventure, but most importantly I hoped to find me. As I drove across the country I was met with a feeling of ultimate freedom. In giving everything up, everything I had put on myself, everything I felt like I was expected to do, excepted to want, expected to have I found that when I let myself go out of that box I had kept myself in I found total freedom. It was amazing! It was like I was seeing the world for the first time. Possibilities of my future flooded my mind. I could feel weight I hadn’t even realized I was carrying lifting off me. I had received a job offer the day before I got in the car. I was surprised and blessed. It was a tangible proof from God that I would be OK and that I was doing what I was supposed to do. The job was exactly what I had hoped I would find. I was going to be a horseback trail guide through the Moab desert! Horses had been an exceptionally important part of my childhood. After college however financial and business demand made it impossible to compete and I was lucky if I made it to the barn to see my horses a couple times a week. I was so exited to be able to get in touch with that part of me that I had allowed to be shut off for so long. The job was at a 4 star resort off the beaten path along the Colorado River and much to my mother’s delight, it came with housing. I remember laying in the dorm bed the first night, I was amazed at how lucky and blessed I was to have a roof, four walls and a kitchen. Then I had a panicked thought, would I be too comfortable to actually change my life? Would I still be pushed to my limits? Would I still be challenged to find myself? The self I had forgotten, the self that I had denied life? The beautiful, strong, courageous, uninhibited woman that I was meant to be? I had planned to live in a tent, to sweat, to bleed, to be ultimately alone so that I could find me. The fact that I had modern comforts, would that change my outcome? I promised myself that night, I would seek adventure and nature every chance I got. And I did. I hiked and explored whenever I could. It helped that my job was outside. In the heat, in the sun, I was cut and tried hours a day. By the horses I was asked to give and give and communicate and love. And I gave and gave and loved the wonderful beings with every ounce I had. There were two of us, just two to care for 31 horses, two pigs, 12 bunnies, six goats 14 chickens and three miniature ponies. It was a lot of work. Hot work. But I did it. I sweat and cried and muscled through the work. And I loved. I loved the horses. I loved the pigs and even though they were annoyingly loud and smelly I loved the goats. I learned all their personalities and quirks. I grew the confidence as a rider that I had lost as the career took over. Running through the hills, feeling the wind in my face, tasting the freedom that comes from the connection between horse and rider. Nothing else in the world exists except your two heartbeats racing the wind. Daring your horse to go faster, to stretch further. The more he trusts you the faster he runs, the more sure-footed he becomes, the higher the mountains you can climb. The more I rode the more relaxed and happy I became. The more free my heart felt. The more tired my body was the more peaceful my soul became. With the housing came people. There was on average 40 people living in three large housing units with multiple dorms. I worked and lived with these people, cook outs and evening drinks and parties in the common area outside our dorms built a quazi-family since we had all left our homes to live in the middle of nowhere. I made a friend, my neighbor, who had become my confidant and my only true friend in Moab. It was good to have connection far from everything familiar. It was good to have someone smile when they saw me come home after a long day. It was good to have someone to talk to as my heart went through so many emotions. Two months into the summer, my friend and I went camping to Bryce Canyon and the Dixie National Forest. The stunning rock formations, the pine trees and the eagles called my name. As we hiked through the wild I began to feel free. More and more free. I felt another weight come off me. Like the eagles above I could feel my heart begin to fly. And I flew. And my friend, he let me. He watched as my heart took flight, he supported me and smiled as I ran through the trails. And in that moment my heart that had been broken more times than it should have, my mind that had been stretched beyond all possibilities became whole. The healing that began months ago on my shower floor suddenly accelerated. It was going to fast for my brain to keep up. I found myself almost afraid. My mind didn’t trust my tender heart. I spent the next week arguing with myself, weighing possibilities, thinking of every possible outcome I could think of, reminding my heart that if I failed it would hurt again. I took a drive, a long drive through the mountains and into Colorado. I was supposed to meet up with a new friend and camp out at a music festival. When I got to the festival location I realized all I wanted to do was be back at the ranch and talking with my best friend. I finally allowed myself the answer. My little broken heart and bruised mind and injured soul had found a way to love again. In the abandonment of everything I had known, I found everything I had ever wanted. I cannot tell you how my life will turn out. I cannot tell you what my future will hold. But I can tell you this. I had lost myself. I had lost my soul, my passion, my happiness, my peace and most of all my strength. And in losing all of me I was forced to fight for me. I found the courage to search. I found a value in myself worth investing in. Most importantly I found out that I the strength to do it. I could live. I could live fully, happily, freely. So no matter what happens in my future I have the keys to unlock my potential and the courage to open those doors, walk through those challenges and not lose myself in the process. Only going through the darkness can we appreciate the light and now that my fire is lit again I will not allow it to be put out. Thank you to each of my friends and family members who allowed me to go. Thank you for believing in who I am. Thank you for the constant love and support. I could not have done this without you even though ultimately I had to do it on my own.

it is the ride

Life is never what we think it will be. But it's ok. Better actually. Enjoy the ride. I'll try to remember to. 

I am Woman

Recently I have found myself talking to women about what it means to be a woman. I believe the answer is different for every woman. However, I also believe we share similar traits and common core elements. This poem came to me last night at a concert as I watched the women around me react differently, than each other but more importantly they reacted differently than the men. I don't believe this poem is perfect or for all women but like everything I post in this blog it is for me. And if you enjoy it, well that's awesome. 💖B

Remember I am a woman and I am soft. 

The world speaks to me differently fhan you. 

People react to me in different ways. 

When I touch something it does not feel the same to me as you. 

Remember I am a woman and my emotions run deep. 

So deep sometimes I don't understand them. 

They swirl and change and are powerful. They should be respected not shunned. 

Remember I am woman and I love to watch things grow. 

Children, flowers, men. 

I see the potential in all and I will feed that potential even if it kills me. 

Remember I am a woman and I break. 

And when I break it hurts differently.  

It breaks me to the core and my pieces shatter across the earth. 

  

Remember I am woman and my spirit soars. 

When the wind touches my hair my soul flies with it. 

Freedom breathes life into me. 

Remember I am woman and I am strong. I can suffer a universe of pain to give life. 

I can carry you when you cannot stand.

I can start a fire that could take over the world. 

I can heal with a kiss. 

I can cure with a word

I can forgive unspeakable wrongs.

Remember I am woman and my love is power. 

I can love into the darkest fathoms. 

I can love the unlovable. 

My love can heal the world. 

My love can change your life. 

My love can change the world. 

 

it is the sun

The natural light show that slow that slowly births light across the land reminds me that time is ever marching towards an untold future. The sun whispers in my ear, "today is going to be a good day." I go out and seek the goodness. Allow any negativity to disappear with the morning rays. I welcome the newness of today. I welcome the joy and warmth of the sun. I welcome the future. I welcome life. 

it is soul jewels

The tree is only as strong as its roots. And the roots grow according to what they are fed. If you starve the tree of good things the roots will shrivel and struggle. If you flush the tree with good water and sunshine the roots will take hold and the tree will climb to great hieghts providing shelter, food and comfort for those around him. Our souls is like a tree. If we starve our souls from goodness we do not have goodness to give. If we flood our souls wth love, caring, compassion, forgiveness, joy and peace we will in turn grow and thrive and be able to give those good things to others.  

it is free flight

Yesterday I took the chance and went and found some wild mustangs. For the record it was better than I imagined. I was able to get quite close to these magnificent animals. I work with horses every day and see them running through fields, climbing mountains and jumping fences however seeing these untouched creatures was astounding. While I was sitting eating a picnic lunch with my beau I thought about what has taken place in my life to get me to that place. The short answer is a lot has happened. The biggest step that I think I took is letting go. Of everything. If I hadn't taken that leap and cleared out my life and my brain, I would not have been up on top of that mountain searching for wild ponies. I would not have focused on healing my heart for 4 months and actually putting the pieces back together, I would not have found bits of myself I had lost along the way and I would not have learned to bloom. I am so grateful I listened to that voice inside. I am so grateful I found myself here on this adventure. And I am so glad I put myself back together so that I could open myself back up to love. And what a beautiful day that was when my heart finally felt free. When it could soar above all the pain that's been holding it back for so many years.  I am grateful for the people who let me go as well. My friends and family who listened to me and allowed me to go on this crazy whim of an adventure. Without their blessing and support it would have been a lot harder to fly. ❤️

it is good

I am sitting in front of a lake surrounded by pine trees. The butterflies dance amongst the sun rays. The mountain stream rushes past my ear as to fill my soul with her power. The birds sing in the air as the fish splash the water, both celebrating their life and freedom in this magnificent home. The faint sound of a fellow camper playing his guitar floats up from behind me. The ambient chords make no song I know, just the bringing the knowledge of a person adding his gift to what lays around me. It is no wonder God looked at his creation and said it is good.